Bachelor Colton: Week 7

Isn't it funny how a few weeks can change your perspective on everything? Remember when Catherine was set up to be a villain? Remember when Elyse seemed to be a front runner? Remember when Hannah B. seemed like a total liar? My, my, how the tables have turned.

At the end of last week, I had a lot of questions about, well, most of the women left. Does anybody here actually care about Colton? Who were the three ousted ladies referring to? After seeing Tayshia and Sydney's conversation on the group date (cue swinging bamboo sticks and eating bugs), I was certain they were talking about Hannah and long-hair-Heather. Let's face it; they did give off serious Disney channel vibes. Turns out, they were actually warning about Cassie and Caelynn who are allegedly master manipulators.

More on that later, because the tea is scalding hot and spilling all over social media! But first, let's travel to Denver to meet the one that got away Ben Higgins and a really cute dog. That would be my ideal date on this show, for anybody wondering. Please give him another shot, ABC. Can't be worse than this crap.

Tayshia gets the first one-on-one date, which I felt a little salty about because I'm not sure I like her after last week. All of a sudden, I got the distinct feeling she sucked after she was whispering to Kirpa at the end of the episode. But then again, I don't really like any of them.

COLTON: Today we're going to just spend a typical Saturday in my hometown doing normal, everyday things like eating oysters and drinking wine and walking in and out of stores without paying for a thing.

Let's not think for a second that Taysia getting the first date is a coincidence. They must know how bored America is with Colton (winner winner chicken dinner) so the rest of this season is going to be orchestrated perfectly to give us the drama we've been missing. Colton asks Tayshia if she knows anything, clearly fishing for a name. He was probably banking on her throwing out the name of someone he planned to send home anyway, giving him an out for breaking a heart right before hometown dates. But instead, plot twist, she names Caelynn and Cassie. If you somehow missed it, Colton basically didn't react at all. They go back to an apartment that is most certainly not his and make fish. Uh.

Back at the house, Caelynn and Cassie are scrambling to figure out who knows the truth what was said. We've already seen a glimpse of Caelynn's true colors (flashback to her throwing massive shade about Hannah G. relying on her looks to get her far in life) but so far we haven't seen much from Cassie. Like, not even really seen her period.

But, for the sake of the story, Caelynn gets the second date card because of course she does. How else does this thing shake out? Normally, I'd comment on how pitiful her snowboarding attempts were but we've got bigger fish to fry.

I'm talking a lot about fish in this blog I'm realizing.

COLTON: Taysia told me that you're not ready to be engaged and you're trying to be the Bachelorette.

CAELYNN: These allegations are false, fraudulent and hurtful. Mischievous and deceitful. These are trying times, and we will not let fear win. World peace. I'm Caelynn Miller-Keyes, and I approved this message.

Colton seems completely comfortable accepting this as fact. He SHOULD be more perturbed. He SHOULD ask more questions. But he chooses to believe her,  just like we choose to believe that vacation carbs, weekend carbs and Thanksgiving carbs don't count. We want it to be true, so we choose ignorance and bliss.

Cut to her confessional interview, Caelynn, no longer in her baby voice, is furious and dropping F-bombs left and right including but not limited to, "How the f*** would Taysia know if I'm ready?" and, "I better get a fucking rose or I will call that stupid bitch out," and just a good old helping of "fuck her."

She gets the rose anyway, so let's pause on this drama and shift focus to another of Caelynn's victims who is heading on her one-on-one and probably regretting wearing a crop top. Poor Hannah B. Always being set up for disaster.

This date is painful to watch for a number of reasons, but mostly because the editing is so, so savage. Hannah is in one room trying her darndest to string a sentence together about how she feels while Colton is pretty much telling his dad he only brought her here because it's closer to the airport.

Hannah leaves with grace, destined for greater things in Tulum this summer in life.

Caelynn and Taysia have the much-anticipated confrontation back at the house, but not before Caelynn runs and tells Cassie everything. Ya know, so that their stories match.

Let the record show that just because I don't trust Caelynn, it doesn't mean I think Taysia is a saint. You guys, she gave zero fucks that Caelynn confronted her and looked her dead in the face, unwavering, and pretty much said, "We all voted and you lost." 

The rest of the girls are on the group date now, and Heather doesn't even let the sound crew set up before she peaces out. Maybe a producer encouraged her to do it herself so Colton didn't have to break up with her himself. Maybe she just really wanted to take another ride on that train. Anyway, bye. 

Kirpa uses her one-on-one time with Colton to make sure there is no confusion that Cassie is, in fact, just as evil and calculating as Caelynn and she should be dealt with accordingly. We'll never know what was in her tiny pink notebook, but I can only imagine it was a burn book dedicated to Caelynn and Cassie.

Cassie is v nervous going into her time with Colton on the date, so much so that she brings it up while Heather is riding away on the caboose. Whether or not there's any truth to the Bachelorette talk, Cassie seems to be incredibly concerned with her name being attached to this tidbit of information. Looks like she didn't have anything to worry about, though, because all she had to do was pout a little and Colton kissed her mid-sentence. She can't even get a whole coherent sentence out to defend herself, dude! You deserve whatever is coming to you. 

Now Kirpa and Cassie are arguing on the couch and this two minute segment should tell you all you need to know about Kirpa's maturity vs. Cassie's. AGAIN, Cassie can't even come up with something to maintain her innocence. 

Hannah G. was also there. 

Colton lets Hannah G. go home early so he doesn't have to deal with this bullshit, and the ladies at home are so happy to see her because they hate each other. I guess I can start just calling her Hannah at this point. Anyway, she spills the beans that Kirpa called Cassie out and Caelynn is so afraid that their lies are going to be exposed because she must know Cassie is a shit liar so she runs to crash their date and tell Colton that Cassie should stay. I should be surprised that this works, but I'm just not surprised about anything at this point. 

Did these two sign some sort of agreement before coming on the show? Did they agree to go on Amazing Race and split the profit afterwards? WTF is going on here?

Bachelor Colton: Week 6

You know when you’re out at a bar and you see two drunk girls fighting? Despite having no allegiance to either of them, you really can’t help but kick back and enjoy watching them go at it to see who wins. It’s all good fun but when it’s over, you go back to your jack and coke and never think about it again a day in your life.

That’s sort of how I feel about Onyeka and Nicole, only in this situation, there can be no winner because you both are losers (the winner is Chris Harrison who seemingly popped up out of the ocean to console Colton). I’m disappointed that Nicole turned out to be the poor man’s version of JLo in the Wedding Planner, and I’m even more disappointed that Onyeka will probably end up on Bachelor in Paradise.

Cut, print, moving on.

The only thing worse than being forced on a season with Colton would be me getting dragged to Vietnam to fake interest, but that’s where we’re off to because clearly the production team got a good deal on flights. There’s literally no other explanation. Hannah G. finally gets a one-on-one and I’m so ready to stare at her hair see what their chemistry is like because she’s one of the few left I kind of like.

This date is eerily reminiscent of his date with Cassie. There’s little-to-no talking on the date followed by an awkward conversation at dinner (remember when Cassie tried to make not being a virgin a thing?).

COLTON: Tell me about a hard time in your life.

HANNAH G: My mom did donuts in our yard once to piss off my dad.

Who wouldn’t give her a rose for that exhilarating story?

Meanwhile, back at the house, my dreams are coming true as Caelynn is finally showing us her inner Tonya Harding. I had to giggle when she—the pageant queen—threw shade at Hannah G. for relying on her looks all of her life and accused her of lacking depth.

Ma’am.

Continuing with this low-budget season, today’s group date will literally be swinging sticks and beating each other up on a concrete slab. Extreme disappointment that this is the second time this season Caelynn and Hannah B. could have gone at it, but ABC took the high road. However it did leave us with the best quote of the whole season, “I hope her insurance works in Vietnam.”

Demi uses her time with Colton on the group date to call her mom who has recently been released from prison. Was this her way of enticing him to keep her for a hometown? You were better off with the paddle.

You guys, Hannah B. swinging the bamboo sticks around has sent Sydney into a downward spiral. She steals some time to tell Colton that she thinks she can get more from him if he would juuuuust learn her name pay a little more attention to her. Colton sort of nods, and then Sydney goes back to tell Taysia all about it. After counting to ten, she goes back and tells Colton she’s leaving because she can’t possibly continue dating somebody who is still considering somebody in pigtails.

BEWARE OF SHINY OBJECTS.

Kirpa gets the next one-on-one and everyone in America was shocked, including Kirpa. I think she was honestly there for the travel at this point. The date was fine I guess but like my trips to the dentist are also fine. There was no spark. Kirpa is easily ten times smarter and more articulate than Colton, not to mention a decent human being. She gets the rose which, like the time I was a mathlete in high school, made no sense.

Demi has guts, I’ll give her that. She wants to wear a table cloth? She wears one! She wants to look girls square in the face after wildly offending them? Not a problem. She thinks 27 is the qualifying age for medicare? Great! The real tragedy here is that Demi was finally starting to show that she’s got moods other than crazy, but it was too little, too late. Colton sends Demi packing and she did not see that coming, like, at all. She managed to pull it together enough to warn Colton that some of his choices seem safe, and that he may not end up happy in the long run.

Aw, bb. Maybe you can catch a direct flight to Mexico.

The rose ceremony sends Katie packing, but not before she leaves Colton with the third and final ominous warning of the episode: “You have a great group of girls. Some are ready, and some aren’t. Just be smart about those girls.”

 Colton, like the daft noodle he is, can’t seem to wrap his head around this warning because he assumed everybody was talking about Demi.

In what might have been the weirdest ending to this episode, Taysia is seen whispering not-so-quietly to Kirpa telling her that they are going to “take this thing” and that they were going to be the final two. Now let’s be clear; nothing in this show is a mistake. There are hours of footage, so everything and anything they choose to show us is for a reason. They wanted us to see Taysia and Kirpa whispering, and they definitely cut immediately to a shot of Cassie and Caelynn for a purpose. We’ll just have to wait until next week to find out!

Bachelor Colton: Weeks 4&5

In an effort to keep up with the details, I take notes on my phone each episode and then email it to myself to write the next day (or month) on my lunch break. Sometimes I go through phases where I need to clean my mental and physical space to reset and recharge. Sometime between last Monday and now I must’ve done that because I for sure deleted my notes for week four. So, here is my abridged version:

• ·        Tayshia has a super-fun date where they jumped SOLO off of a bridge into the world’s tiniest pool (lame) and it turns out she is recently divorced and like, really pretty. Why is ABC hiding these people from us?
• ·         The group date was putting leeches on your body and eating fish eyes so no thanks.
• ·         Caelynn’s 1-on-1 is heartwarming and heart-wrenching all at the same time. That is enough genuine emotion for one season.
• ·         Hannah B. will do eat anything for attention as we have learned and threw serious shade at Chris Harrison when he accidentally called her Caelynn. It’s cool, though, because those girls totally buried the hatchet.
• ·         Courtney is out-of-control and of course she is best friends with crybaby Nicole. I can’t believe this is coming out of my mouth, but Demi was not wrong and Courtney deserved to get the boot alongside prehistoric Tracy.

AND NOW FOR WEEK 5

We all knew long-hair-Heather was going to get a date at some point, because ABC was not going to let her steal Colton’s thunder on a national stage without capitalizing on it. Someone with LESS sexual experiences than Colton? This will not stand. Now that she has been kissed, she is of no use to them, and she should be gone in a week or two. 

I’d feel differently if she had a moment of interesting conversation, nay, any conversation with Colton that didn’t lull me to sleep. Instead, she flipped her hair no less than 600 times while they piped in soundbites of her moaning loudly over footage of them very clearly sitting in silence.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Elyse is real mad because she is just now realizing she is going to have to share Colton with other women for the remainder of the season. I can’t be sure, but I have to believe that this was listed somewhere in the contract you signed.

Elyse spends some time curling her hair (which she immediately threw up into a bun), slides on her most ethereal white dress, and clip-clops down the path to Colton’s hut. He is confused to see her (didn’t I just take you on a date, like, two weeks ago?) and even more confused to hear what she has to say, which went a little something like this:

ELYSE: I want to build a relationship with just you and me, not all these people. I can’t accept a proposal in a few weeks. I also really like you and don’t want to do this.

She leaves and Colton is like:

The next group date confirms my suspicions that ABC is on a tight budget this year. Canoe races, leeches, and now setting them free in the forest to find bugs?

Taysia wins the group date by literally sending her teammates off into the forest to find bugs so she can make out with Colton AND THEY JUST DO IT. They literally just turned around and walked away. You deserve your fate, ladies.

Hannah B. eats another non-food item.

At the after-party, Onyeka pulls aside her best gal pal (lol) Demi to tell her some gossip about Nicole. Demi concurs that she should tell Colton, so of course she does:

ONYEKA: I am here for you, so I just wanted you to know that Elyse told me that she heard from Jenny who heard it from her cousin Rita’s manicurist who read it on twitter that Nicole came on the Bachelor to leave Miami.

COLTON: Who is Nicole?

First of all, that’s not even shady. You all came on the Bachelor to travel and for opportunities. Second of all, put those two pieces of hair slithering down your face somewhere else.

Onyeka goes back to the group to tell them what she’s uncovered, and Taysia is having none of it:

TAYSIA: Actually I was sitting right there for that conversation and that’s not what happened at all. It was Rita’s facialist.

Nicole catches wind of all of this from Colton and she is furious. She holds onto this anger for a FULL TWO DAYS because she brings it up again at the cocktail party and it ends in an all-out war of words between Onyeka and Nicole. Colton is having some one-on-one time with Katie and has to literally get up and go mediate these two grown women who he can hear screaming somewhere on the other side of the mansion. 

Cassie also had a date, but I kind of don’t get the appeal. ABC is clearly editing it to not include her much up until this point, but then shows all the women talking about how obvious Colton’s connection with her is. She also earned zero points for trying to make admitting you were a virgin on national television and admitting you were not a virgin on national television the same and it’s not the same, little darlin’.

Until next week….

Bachelor Colton: Week 3

I’ll start by apologizing, as I often do, for the blog being so far behind. Normally, it is because I’ve lost interest in the season or gone on vacation. This time, it is because we unfortunately lost Josh’s father unexpectedly earlier last month. He was so young—53—and showed zero signs of heart disease, but ultimately had severe cardiac blocking and after a massive heart attack passed away on January 13^th. It has been a really tough time but we are getting back into the swing of things. I know my readers are primarily close friends and family who already know but for those who didn’t know, that is the latest in the Scarpa/Alleman/Scarpaman household.

So now I have caught up on the Bachelor and am ready to talk about the craziness of the last few weeks. Reading this after-the-fact might help you remember some of the shenanigans, which is always fun. Let’s start with the pirate boxing date, which in my opinion would have made a much better date for, like, week 6 when these ladies really hate one another.

There was a lot of confusion surrounding this date for me. Just to be clear, the challenge was to be the best pirate, and the two women who were the best pirate would get to participate in an all-out battle to save Colton and his extreme v-neck from the plank. Although Hannah B. beat everyone at the tightrope joust, Tracy must’ve had some pirate skills not suitable for tv because I literally didn’t know she was on this date until she won. She battles Caelynn on the tightrope joust and wins, but somehow Caelynn is the one to sprint up the pole and free Colton. And then…

THE MOST AWKWARD FIRST KISS IN BACHELOR HISTORY.

Now we’re having the after party and Tracy literally can’t deal, you guys. I get that Demi called you a dinosaur, but that was a bit of an overreaction, even for someone going through menopause. She is a ticking time bomb and I am here for it. Demi seems to have that effect on people because she interrupts Courtney who silently exits and then goes back to the group to bitch about it. And by bitch I mean whisper because I literally cannot hear a word the chick says.

Elsewhere, long-hair-Heather and Hannah B. are discussing just how much Hannah B. hates Caelynn and Heather, being of sound mind and wanting to eliminate some bitches, encourages Hannah to self-destruct tell Colton all about it. This is a savage move, even by Bachelor standards, because we all know Hannah can’t form a sentence in his presence let alone craft an argument as to why she’s more wifey material. It doesn’t go well, as it never does on this show, and now she has made the situation much, much worse.

Caelynn and Colton have the exact same conversation, only it goes so much better because Caelynn chooses to throws shade, ever-so-gently, and says, “I want to tell you about my past, but I didn’t think this was the time or place,” unravelling Hannah B.’s plan with one sentence. Let’s take bets now…is it going to be the best two-on-one in Bachelor history? The answer is no, because nothing will ever beat the time Ben left Olivia on an island flew off in a helicopter, but a girl can dream.

Elyse has a one-on-one date. She’s normal, it’s an awesome date, they really like each other. I’m not wasting time on this because there’s enough footage of future episodes to suggest she doesn’t last until the end, and she’s just too normal to be the one. It’s not that I don’t like her, but it’s not interesting.

You know what is interesting? Women trying to pull a limousine. This date was fun to watch, mostly because it was fun to watch these women suck so hard. Onyeka wins, which you know I hated, but she didn’t get the group date rose anyway. At the after party, Colton talks to the poor man’s Kaitlyn Bristowe and this girl has literally nothing to say about her life. He asked her very specific questions, and she couldn’t come up with even her favorite color for God’s sake. Cue the first not-so-shocking elimination on a date of the season. Girl, bye.

No cocktail party this week, but instead we get to go to a pool party! Only we don’t because the whole day is spent on the pageant queen debacle. The other ladies have had enough of this shit, and even Chris Harrison shows up to see what the hell is going on. Colton is having a hard time because he likes both of these women. DO YOU, THO? Because Hannah has done literally nothing to make you like her. In her confessional, Hannah shares that she and Colton have the strongest connection. WHAT? Maybe these two are delusional enough to be a pair.

Someone called Nina goes home.

Bachelor Colton: Week 2

We’re back for week two and if this morning selfie video of Colton is any indication of the quality of this season, I’m already regretting my decision to agree to this. But, if I make a commitment, I’m going to stick to it. Unless it’s a commitment to Planet Fitness.

So now it’s time for our first group date and as usual, the theme is discomfort. I expect to see D-list country singers on this show but when I see talented, funny actors I have to question how widely-cast the net of this show really is in this country.

The ladies are told they have to get up and tell stories about milestone firsts in their lives. The directions couldn’t have been more clear: use this opportunity teach Colton something about yourself. And what did they do? They told stories ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

Onyeka: ...and that’s the story of the first time I wore a snorkel mask and blew a whistle on national tv.

Colton: I know. I was there.

Elyse wins, and not just because she’s my age and has the red hair I always wished God gave me, but because she had a plan and she executed it. It was funny, it was relatable, and it did not make me writhe in pain. So what if she still hasn’t learned that you only curl your hair away from your face. She’ll get there. Aside from maybe Bri and Hannah, everyone else made my eye muscles hurt from rolling. And then there was Demi.

Oh, sweet young Demi. Never have I seen someone destined for Bachelor in Paradise so hard. Also, I have had about enough of the grandma doily dresses. I think she will go as far as hometowns, but will be majorly disappointed if she makes it to fantasy suites. The line between cockiness and confidence has been severely interrupted and I definitely see girls self-destructing in the coming weeks over this little tart. Obvi Toni Collette Tracy will be the first to detonate.

Alabama Hannah gets the one-on-one and this was…this was something. You knew from the season previews that she wasn’t going anywhere, which almost made it more interesting to watch. Like, after this barnyard explosion of an attempted toast, what could she possibly do to redeem herself? Nothing. The answer is nothing, because I thought dinner was as equally painful as the horseback riding through Arizona-ish. I think because she just nodded and agreed with everything that Colton said, he just remembered that the producers needed her drama with Caelynn decided to give her a chance.

This summer camp date was really unfair because obviously the yellow team (minus Sydney who I am really regretting not putting in my top five like I said I would, people!) was the island of misfit toys and the red team demolished them without even trying. It was kind of close after that canoe race but never fear, laryngitis Alex put the whole rope in her giant mouth and won the tug-of-war for the red team. Huzzah!

Then Colton actually sent the losers home which solidifies that he didn’t really know the names of any of them.

The cocktail party is messy for week two. We’ve got women in robes giving massages in closets, we’ve got pots and pans and airhorns, and we’ve got people admitting they don’t want children. The whole thing is just a freakin’ mess. I need to schedule a housewarming so people can bring me a year’s supply of wine to get through the rest of this chaos.

He sends home four ladies, including my beloved Annie, and now I have my sights set on Cassie and Hannah G.

Where is Lucy?