Bachelor Arie: Premiere

Let me start by wishing you all a happy and healthy new year. Despite it being negative forty degrees, 2018 is off to a fabulous and promising start. Five, yes, FIVE of my good friends are getting married this year which makes me both very excited and very poor. I’m really feeling the love this year, so let’s keep the love train rolling and start dishing on the Bachelor premiere.

If you’ve made it to this blog post, then there’s a good chance you fall into one of two categories; you either are a die-hard Bachelor Nation fan or you’re a friend of mine who reads the blogs just because I write them and may catch an episode here and there to make sense of it all. Either way, 

So let’s blow past the part where they remind us of Arie’s heartbreak with Emily years ago. I remember this season well because I liked Emily so much until the very end. It was bad enough she picked Jef with one “F” but then she had to go and not read his journal. THE MAN KEPT A JOURNAL. You picked the skateboard. Take your veneers and go.

Sean and Catherine come to the mansion to…show us their baby? Cool. Yes, we know you were on the show and yes we know you’re still married and no, I’m not going to buy FabFitFun so stop asking.

Now let’s meet these ladies. ABC always selects a few women to showcase before the limo entrances; a little bit of sass, a little bit of diversity, a little bit of weird. This was no different.

First we meet Chelsea, who seemed sweet and nurturing in her interview, which we now know to be fake news. Next we meet Caroline the real estate agent from Florida who showed a family a home wearing a cutout bodycon dress paired with jade bead bracelets, both of which were bewildering choices. Marikh, the lost Kardashian sister, is gorgeous and owns a restaurant with her mom who also has brows on fleek. She’s not used to having to pursue anybody though, guys, so this should last until…eh…I’ll give her week four or five. Next up is Kendall the taxidermist, who immediately reminded me of Ashley S. from Ben’s season. #MesaVerdeForever

And then we meet Krystal. I had to give Krystal her own paragraph because I’m pretty sure my friend Tierney is gonna love this girl and I need to call attention to the fact that every season, I find somebody dreadfully irritating and Tierney’s kind soul finds them sweet and endearing. T – if you’re reading this, how do you feel about Krystal? Because I think her voice and her video package feeding the homeless—who were 100% Bachelor producers that they blurred out—was too much for me.

So now we’re at the Mansion where it has conveniently rained moments ago and the limos are arriving.

My favorite entrance award goes to Sienne who gave a set of Elephant cufflinks with the sweet tagline, “An elephant never forgets, so I hope you don’t forget to come find me inside.” She was classy and refined and probably will go unnoticed because her boobs weren’t out.

Then we meet 28 Laurens, Jenna the social media manager who most certainly popped a molly before getting out of the limo, and Bri who wasted no time throwing a softball at him. Bitch, his nose is already crooked! Manners!

And here comes Chelsea, who suddenly has a low, slow, raspy voice and a flare for the dramatic. “There’s a lot to know…” Um, that you have a kid? He’s been there, done that, got the tshirt as my friend Kathleen would say. If you have a long bob with an aggressive center part your Bachelor fate as a villain is sealed. There’s really no question that she sucks so let’s move on.

Out pops Annaliese the kissing bandit in a mask and bag of Hershey kisses that nobody ate. The only thing more disappointing was when Arie later took her mask off and she def was only really a 6.

Now we’re inside toasting while Arie gives his “I was once in your shoes” speech while the women emphatically nod remembering watching his season in diapers. Chelsea steals him away first and nobody bats an eyelash extension because nobody knows she’s evil just yet, but it doesn’t take long for her first tantrum when Maquel interrupts Chelsea’s time outside. She pretends to be gracious and mysteriously saunters away plotting Maquel’s death.

Maquel: So why did you decide to come back?

Arie: Well Peter was unavailable, so…

The night continues with some nice conversations (baby Bekah & Brittany, both using cars as props) and twice as many painful ones. We’ve got Jacqueline with the curly hair who promises not to ‘therapize’ him despite her profession being “researching coordinator,” Jessica who overused the “you-met-my-dad” argument, and who could forget Krystal and Arie’s intellectual conversation on the outdoor couch.

Arie: Enough about me, I want to know everything about you!

Krystal: I’m Elle Woods, and this is Bruiser Woods. We’re both Gemini vegetarians.

Eventually, Arie grabs the first impression rose and thank god because I’m ready for this episode to be over. He gives it to Chelsea and her beak and she’s real keen on spending the rest of the night bitching to everyone about Maquel. But it’s baby Bekah wastes no time running around spreading Chelsea’s complaints and now, in a matter of hours, everybody is giving mad side-eye to Chelsea. Nothing bonds people together like a common enemy but beware, Bekah. You’re no match for Chelsea.

Some women go home and I don’t remember any of their names so I’m sure you don’t either. All you need to know is that it was basically all the black women, the two reporters, the girl who has seen all the weiners, and the girl who made him smell her pits. Shocking. Also unsurprising is that the season preview shows the women giving Bekah shit for being a newborn and she proves them wrong by running to Arie and hysterically crying.

Which leads me to my confused attempt to name a top five. For the first time in a while I have, like, no clue. I feel like it needs to be three parts blonde and two parts brunette to have a chance at succeeding, but I like a lot more of the brunettes so here’s taking a swing in the dark:

Top 5: Caroline, Tia, Rebecca (NOT Baby Bekah), Jaqueline, Lauren S. I’m going to be honest that I have no idea and I only picked Lauren S. over Lauren B. because we can’t have another Lauren B. and Lauren S. said she liked Hamilton. So.

Until next time….

xoxo