Bachelor Arie: Week 2

It’s week two and IMO this is when the season actually starts. Now we get to take a better look at the personalities, the outfits and the implants. If you watched this episode and say you remembered every single girl then you are a damn liar. Oh, you do? Then who is this?

So let’s recap what we learned last week: Arie has a thing for youngins, moms, boobs and cars. He’s just as nervous about being the Bachelor as America because TBH he really had no business being here and he knows it. He’s just enjoying himself while he can because the fact that he will go back to being irrelevant is inevitable.

This week, we’re doing two one-on-ones and one jumbo group date. Normal-spelling Becca gets the first date card and I’m excited because she was in my top five and seemed sort of normal. Becca climbs atop the rented his motorcycle and drives away happily while the women awkwardly stumble out of the house to watch. Most of them look pissed and Annaleise looks like she’s about to cry. Oh, boo boo, your week is about to get way worse.

Sienne, Krystal and Chelsea are sitting out back discussing the date and how cool it would be to get the first one-on-one and Krystal is all, “Motorcycles are dangerous, people have died.”

Oooookay, Krystal. Raise your hand if you think she actually would’ve turned down a date because of a motorcycle. Nobody? Didn’t think so.

So this date is…basically Arie watching Becca try on clothes and proving that he knows how to pronounce Louboutin. Here’s Rachel Zoe, because Arie couldn’t possibly be expected to go through a whole date and carry on a conversation on his own.

Becca: I get to keep all of this?

Arie: Well, I saw the shit you packed, so yeah.

Then, like the savage he is, Arie sends Becca back to the mansion to drop off her diamondz and get ready for the evening portion of their date. The hyenas women are waiting, and Bibiana’s head just about pops off when she’s sees the red bottoms of the shoes. Despite all the hype for this date, though, it ends up being a nice evening of conversation and flirting. Becca is beautiful in a natural way; gorgeous but just uncomfortable enough in those heels to be relatable and likable. Let’s hope that she doesn’t have the first one-on-one curse like so many before her.

Ugh, eye roll. Krystal gets the next date and since they spent all of the money on Becca, Krystal gets to watch home movies of Arie at his house. Then they go to meet Arie’s family (da fuq?) and Arie’s mom sits down on the couch RIGHT between them. “Take your patchouli and go.” Even his sister-in-law isn’t feeling it.

Later, they have a gag-worthy dinner where Krystal explains her rough childhood and how little family support she had. Arie is completely unsure of how to be a human so he just sort of nods and pats her on the leg.

Arie: I have one more surprise for you.

Krystal: What was the first surprise?

We know on this show that surprise either means d-list singer or fireworks. Which will we get?

Now the women find out that they are going on the largest group date in Bachelor history. I think only like three women stayed at home, which is a serious fuck you, even for ABC. Everyone comes downstairs in their jammies to hear the date card including Maquel who made sure to put on her choker with her jammies.

P.S. if you tell me Maquel isn’t Lauren B. and Corrine’s lovechild you’re wrong.

                                               

Oh, a date about cars? Profound.

Personally, I would’ve handled this date exactly as Brittany did. I would’ve tried to pray on the weak and beat the shit out of these women since there’s a good dozen of them that I already hate. Mad props to Brittany, who was the first girl in Bachelor history to get injured on a group date and choose NOT to show up to the after-party because she was having way more fun in her robe at home.

Most of you are probably expecting me to comment on Annaleise’s bumper car trauma, which I think we can all agree was funny and sad at the same time. Funnier was Arie trying so damn hard not to laugh in her face while she described her terror at being hit repeatedly with bumper cars as if it wasn’t the very basis of the activity. But the real winner of the date is Jenny whose 15 minutes of fame will be remembered as the girl who was savage AF on the date and cried because she was going to miss her new friends. #shewasheretomakefriends

Time for some cocktails and screaming. The most important part of the evening is the brawl between Bibiana and Krystal, but honorable mention goes to Kendall and her taxidermy because it’s just so funny and I am here for it. Arie definitely isn’t feeling it though, and you can almost see the color drain from his face as he simultaneously realizes that this chick is crazy and that the producers are gonna make him keep her around for a while.

 

Let’s get one thing straight, Bibiana is insane but she’s had a rough week. First the Louboutins, then she got no alone time on the group date and now Krazy Krystal is interrupting her. Somebody had to have paid Krystal to act this way, right? Word to the wise: nobody touch Bibiana, okay? Her patience has been trialed.

In the end, black Lauren, Valerie (ugly yellow dress from night one) and mean girl Jenny are sent packing. Jenny has never been broken up with in her entire 12 years of life and leaves without saying goodbye to Arie. I would’ve just let her go, because who cares, but Arie goes after her to explain.

Arie: Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

Jenny: I’m not crying over you. I just really miss Bibiana.

And with that, we’re ready for week three. Who will get more airtime, Krystal or Chelsea? My money is on Krystal because she’s the easy target right now. It’ll take a few more weeks for Chelsea to really piss people off. So much to look forward to!

P.S. I’m off Monday and Tuesday this week and I’ll be celebrating MLK day of service by watching LIVE on Monday and the blog can be up on Tuesday like old times. That was his dream, wasn’t it?

xoxo