Bachelor Arie: Week 3

Imagine middle school. Braces, acne, greasy hair that just couldn’t be conquered. Liking boys but not sure what you really do with one. Limbs that move independently from the rest of your body. Constant discomfort.

That’s what last night’s episode felt like, times ten.

Jaqueline: I’m very scared about this date because I’m not athletic at all.

                                                                              America:

We start off with a group date to a ladies wrestling competition and it’s clear that Arie has a weird fascination with women beating the shit out of each other. Of course Krystal shows up wearing navy blue and black and it’s like could I hate her ANY more? The women on this date get a crash-course in fake wrestling and the two instructors are real assholes. Bibiana and Tia are having none of it and sit off to the side while Bekah talks shit about them to Lauren. “It’s supposed to be fun, it’s acting. I don’t know why she’s crying.” I can’t wait for her to be bawling her eyes on in a few weeks because you know it’s coming.

How could they do this to her? LMAO

After some awkward and sexually-charged matches, the women are taken to a glamorous trailer park where they take turns meeting with Arie so he can tell them how sexy they looked in their costumes. Bekah takes this opportunity to tell him that he only dates women who make him feel manly and needed, which is a hundo percent true because he just finished telling Tia she should always come to him when he’s upset so he can make her feel better because, “I’m the guy.”

Arie: I just didn’t expect you to be so overwhelmed.

Tia: Well she pulled my hair, so.

Krystal is being interviewed nearby in a trailer and is acting like it’s week nine and she’s got this shit in the bag. This isn’t an HBO miniseries; you’ve got a while to go. Take several seats.

The most upsetting part of the date is how blatantly obvious ABC is being about using Bibiana for laughs. She is so serious about trying to find someone and it’s upsetting that they’re letting her continuously make a fool of herself. She has paradise written all over her.

Arie: Bekah, I have to give you this rose because you wore leather today.

Now Lauren S. is going on a wine tasting date and couldn’t decide if she wanted to wear her hair straight or curly so she decided to go with both. The date is very low-key and relies solely on conversation skills which is not Arie’s strong suit. Luckily for him, Lauren talks enough for both of them during the date. To be fair, all the girl has had all day is wine and it’s definitely a hundred degrees there so give her a break. Unfortunately, Lauren talks for about three hours straight and Arie has to cut her off by picking up the rose and waving it in her face.

Arie: I really wanted this for us but I can’t give you this rose because you’re freaking weird.

The women aren’t expecting anyone so the producer who comes in to get Lauren’s suitcase makes sure to slam the door…twice. Krystal, who is already acting like she’s won and is back next season giving advice, is irritating AF telling the girls to take advantage of the time they get because you don’t know when it’ll be gone. Watch out, Chris Harrison. She’s coming for your job.

The doggie date was probably cool but I couldn’t pay attention to any of it because there was a woman on stage with a lampshade on her head. Did you peep? They can afford a helicopter but not a lamp on this show?

So now Annaleise is afraid of dogs, too. The bumper cars could’ve been a coincidence but this has to be the work of the producers. You guys are mean. The slow motion dogs are too much for me! PLEASE tell me you all saw the rest of her story during the end credits? Dead.

After an amazing one-on-one with normal-spelling Becca, she and Arie reunite to have meaningful conversations about her yoga pants and make out in what looks like a closet. But it’s Mama Chelsea who gets the group date rose. Guess he has a thing for ponytails. And assholes.

I needed a cocktail by the time this rose ceremony came around and it only got worse. Annaleise tries to give him a drink as he entered the room in hopes that his vision will be blurry later when she tries to mount him. Poor Bibiana sets up an air mattress and a telescope in hopes of having some alone time and in a strange turn of events was the only person not to sit on it all night. Jenna decides her best course of action is straddling him in a floor-length gown which he is 100% here for. If I had any questions about what a sleaze he was before this, I’m certain now that he’s a trash monster.

Oh my GAWD this Annaleise situation is a car wreck that you just can't look away from. She makes him walk all the way up to the bell tower and the first words out of Arie’s mouth are, “You seem a little stressed out.” Her response?

Annaleise: You can totally kiss me if you want.

Arie: Hell no.

…and that was the end of Annaleise. Bibiana is the last on the chopping block, making three cuts this week. Next week, I need to see Chelsea, Krystal or Bekah get yelled at or I may have to stop watching.