Bachelor Ben: Week 4

It has become abundantly clear that this season will not be the most dramatic in Bachelor history and we know this because Chris Harrison hasn’t said dramatic once the whole month it has been on. I think we can all agree that this season isn’t spicy and probably is going to become even more dull as Olivia and Jubilee self-combust over the next few weeks and eventually exit, leaving us with several normal, kind, beautiful women. This is all slightly unprecedented as far as this show goes; we usually have a villain who makes it pretty far, a secret or two to be exposed and a front-runner who ends up leaving on her own. It doesn’t look like any of that is going to be happening for us. So, instead of bashing Ben (I still love him. That man is fine), let’s just accept him for his vanilla goodness and talk about the crazies while we still have them.

Chris Harrison and his tiny tiny man jeans come to the house to tell the ladies to pack their bags because they are going to the annulment marriage capital of the world! Shrieking ensues. Olivia earns one point by suggesting that she might use her downtime in Vegas to go see Celine. I’ll go with you. Not even you could ruin that experience for me.

JoJo deservedly gets the first one-on-one and she and Ben head outside to an obvious helicopter pad the rooftop to drink champagne at 10 a.m. Ben tells her he thought they could just have a quick drink and JoJo says she loves that. Do we remember the last time Ben took JoJo to a rooftop? She also loved that he took ten minutes to get to know her. She pretty much loves everything, Ben. You could’ve asked her to join you at your colonoscopy and she would’ve loved that, too.  She’s just really thankful, guys.  

The helicopter arrives and the vultures watching from the window are baffled and envious for about 12 seconds before shuffling off to the mini bar in disgust. JoJo and Ben have a great date doing who knows what because they don’t show us. Later, on a cozy couch with uneaten snacks and some fabulous lanterns from Hobby Lobby, JoJo tells Ben all about her trust issues because of her ex-boyfriend who was talking to other girls behind her back. Note to self: If somebody like JoJo is getting cheated on, give up now. There is no hope for the rest of us peasants. Anyway, Ben gives JoJo the rose and they go back to another roof and watch fireworks. And you know what? She loved it.

The next day the group date card arrives and whichever producer writes the date cards and determines the order in which the roses are given out is out for blood, leaving Olivia for last in all possible scenarios. You could see her brain start to unravel as she almost gets the one-on-one and instead gets added to the group date, leaving Becca as the lucky gal home alone with JoJo today.

But you know what? Olivia decides to make the best of it by slipping on her favorite sleeveless turtleneck and heading out with the rest of the ladies to the talent competition. Ben says he wants to find a woman who doesn’t take herself too seriously and can laugh at herself. He ended up with a chicken, a clown on a pogo stick and a busted showgirl who popped out of a cake. 

He should’ve been more specific.

We can all agree that Olivia’s performance was abysmal, mostly because she wasn’t even pointing her toes while she was kicking. Everyone knows that’s the first rule of a kickline, you amateur! She immediately goes from awkwardly laughing in the crowd to an alleged panic attack backstage. I’m no doctor, but that didn’t really seem like a panic attack to me. That seemed like indigestion at best. Rachel rushes to her aid, seeking her 15 minutes of fame. Kiss of death, Rachel. Do you remember Jami, who tried to help Olivia last week? No, you don’t. Because she’s gone. And so are you. BOOP.

Cut immediately to Lauren B. who is leading the sweetest girl power huddle ever, telling everybody they should be proud of themselves for getting up there and doing that. Can she get any cuter?

It is, Olivia. It sure is. 

PEOPLE OF THE WORLD!

At the after party, Caila steals Ben away and decides there’s no time like the present to climb into his lap and make out. Ben isn’t sure about this and tells Caila they should probably wait to get physical. JK! Ben is totally all about it and no words are spoken for the rest of the time they are together. Get it girl.

Olivia wants to tell Ben she’s sorry for being awkward on the date but she should really be sorry for wearing that heinous grey romper. Whoever said grey is the new black is seriously disturbed. Ben tells her not to worry about it and let’s move on. Which Olivia cannot do because she still feels awkward and it’s all about her.

In a strange twist of events, Lauren H. the kindergarten teacher is still on the show and actually kisses Ben and his puppet during some one-on-one time. I think everyone used those four minutes to get up and get a snack, am I right?

This is Lauren B. 

The date rose goes to Lauren B., who sparkles like the shining star she is. 

Becca’s one-on-one date is weird. First of all, how quick are these weddings? They performed at least seven. I know we were all confused by that Asian man who kissed his bride 3 times and went to Google to see if it was some sort of little-known tradition. I didn’t find anything p.s. I also wasn’t sure why Becca was wearing white to somebody else’s wedding. The whole thing was just odd. The night portion was good, though. Becca basically told Ben he was way more interesting than farmer Chris and they made vows to each other for the rest of their days. Which is about 28 if I’ve calculated correctly. They are altogether very mundane, but it wouldn't be the first time we saw two robots fall in love. 

At the cocktail party, my girl Jennifer stole Ben away before the Jaws of Life could claim him. It was really sweet because she immediately told him how nervous she was and how she had been planning it all day. The whole exchange was giving me the feels until OLIVIA had to come and steal him away. Let me be clear in the event that this hasn’t been obvious so far. Olivia is, above all things, selfish. She is concerned only with making herself feel better at all times. She felt uncomfortable about what she did at the talent show and wants to go back to feeling like number one. She is clearly not listening to a word Ben says because he has reassured her countless times that it’s over and let’s move on. If she actually was listening to him, she would’ve taken his warning at the group date seriously and talked about something—anything—else to get the conversation flowing. Instead, she and her disco dress complained and apologized not once but twice while interrupting everyone she could.

I CAN’T WITH HER.

She heads back to the group and JoJo immediately calls her over.

JoJo: How did it go?

Olivia: It went really well. I told him I was falling for him. And he said he loves me, too.

JoJo: He did?

Olivia: Well, not exactly. He blinked twice, quickly. That’s sort of the same thing.

Meanwhile, Caila takes Ben for a little walk and stops for a quick and forceful makeout on the way. Mama is thirsty this episode.

Jubilee is still whining about being different and I’m probably more over her than I am with Olivia. Ben is reassuring her, as usual, that she is kind, she is smart, she is important. But you can see the constant need to reassure the needy ones is getting to him. I don’t see it lasting much longer before he breaks.

Also, you’re not complicated. You’re a brat. There’s a difference.

The rose ceremony results come as a shock to no one because Rachel (who?) and Amber both shot themselves in the foot by fraternizing with the villain too early. Have you watched this show? You can’t confront the villain until final four. God, Karen, you’re so stupid!

 Oh wait, I straight up forgot the part with the twins. Whatever, it was awkward and obviously a ploy by ABC to not have to pay for Haley’s flight home from whatever city they go to next. Emily will be around for another week or two and maybe we will learn something about her besides the fact that she only eats pizza bagels. Did anybody else hear her say that last week?

xoxo

Bachelor Ben: Week 3

More hot tubs, please!

This episode opens on Amanda and Lauren chatting about how awful Olivia is. ABC is wasting no time with this villainous plotline, especially since they really don’t have anything else to go on. This is the first of many chats about the good dinosaur this evening, so let’s keep it movin’.  

Lauren B. gets the first date card and Olivia is pretty confused because Ben brushed her leg earlier and she though it meant they were getting engaged. Nonetheless, she is fake-excited for Lauren B. and will probably put a stink bomb under Lauren’s bed while she is out on the date and then make this face:  

The plane date is sort of cute but maybe would’ve been cuter for somebody who doesn’t, yanno,  work on a plane. Call me crazy but if Ben took me on a date to a college fair I would be pretty pissed.

Ben: "What does life look like to you? Like what does an average day look like?”

Lauren B: “What do you mean?
 

That one wasn’t meant to stump you, Lauren. I guess we should start small. Let’s spend some time talking about your dad’s garden instead. And let us not forget the time Lauren blurted out that she wanted to meet Ben’s family on their second date. He is unfazed by this, which either makes him crazy or awesome. Did you ever see the 1996 film Fear starring a young Reese Witherspoon and Mark Wahlberg? He asks to meet her family on their second date. He later broke into her home and tried to murder her family. So.

P.S. If you haven’t seen that movie, what is your life?

Meanwhile at the mansion, Caila is having all the feels as she realizes, just now, that Ben is going on dates with other people. JoJo nods sympathetically, but really is searching for the nearest exit.

Now it’s time for the soccer date, the one date—besides the Broadway one—that I would want to be on! Would I be disqualified if I just punted the ball directly at Olivia’s head? Better not, for fear she would swallow it whole and then get to go to the hospital with Ben.

 This is the most deplorable example of athleticism I have ever experienced and I’m offended FOR the U.S. team members who had to endure that atrocity. They’re all huddled around the ball like toddlers hacking away at each other’s shins. Twin A is killing it as the goalie while Lace struggles across the field. 

Leah: Nobody told Lace she could use her hands. 

Rachel: One time, she asked me how to spell orange. 

Eventually, Olivia’s team wins and they head to a hotel where they sit around and discuss Olivia’s toes. Jami (who wants her 15 minutes, damnit!) makes a beeline for Olivia to tell her what the others were saying. Cameras rolling, she pretends to be politely offended by this but I know she definitely switched out Amber’s relaxer for bleach when they got home.

Olivia: People find me intimidating. Idk why?

Ben: I believe the term they used was raging bitch, but don’t quote me.

Amber gets the rose and nobody is more surprised than Amber. Except maybe America.

Back at the mansion, Jubilee is crying to JoJo, telling her how hard she has it.  

Jubilee: I'm so much more complicated than everybody else here. This is a weave! I can’t just get in a pool like you.

Jubilee’s date was refreshingly honest and genuine. I know America is rooting for her, just not this American. Let’s get one thing straight; I understand that she’s had a tough road and that some of her issues are deeply rooted in guilt and insecurity. I get that. However, I can’t condone getting up and removing yourself from the group—very intentionally—and then turning around and saying it’s because you’re awkward. It’s painfully obvious you haven’t made one tiny effort, so, no, I’m not going to feel sorry for you. You’re a miserable wet rag until you get your way. That has nothing to do with adoption. Plus, I strongly believe that if you are intelligent enough to vocalize your issues, you can also be held accountable for your actions.

Cocktail party! All of their faces are different colors from their bodies. Tell me any one of them isn't spray tanned. Tell me!

Ben tells us two family friends passed away in a plane crash and he is feeling kind of bummed about it. Naturally, Olivia talking about her cankles to cheer him up.

Amber decides to confront Jubilee about her holier-than-thou attitude in front of Ben, which is certainly the kiss of death on this show. If you didn’t have that rose, you would be gone gone gone this week.

In the end, Shushanna and Jami go home because who cares.

In the preview for next week, Olivia has a panic attack just like badlands Kelsey. I seriously hope it goes over similarly.

The two-on-one date should be coming soon. Are you there, God? It’s me, Amanda. Please put the twins on the two-on-one. Pretty please.

Side bar- does anybody besides me and Kris Jenner watch Bachelor Live? I kind of got the vibe from Chris Soules that he’s not really feelin’ Becca these days and that he shared that sentiment with Ben. Anybody else pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down?

Until next time…

Bachelor Ben: Episode 2

Ciao! I have returned from the land of pasta and crazy driving and am totally ready to talk Bachelor. It was horrifying to find I couldn’t use my ABC app internationally and that I would have to wait twelve days to be caught up on the season, until I returned and found out that this season is turning out to be about as exciting as a rice cake. No matter, let’s dive in.

We open with shirtless Ben fixing his hair with water and I just wanted to spoon my own eyes out in that moment. Leave it alone. He’s not hot Sean and he’s never going to be. Let him be barefoot-tea-drinking-Ben, okay?

Time for a group date. ABC senses the impending doom of the season so naturally they send the best and brightest to the high school themed date where we learn that nobody knows what Indiana is and that Lace might not be able to read.  

 

Jubilee: I will not murder Lace, but she may tactfully disappear.

Nobody expected it to come down to crazy Mandi and what’s-her-face and I certainly don’t think Ben was even one iota excited that Mandi came barreling barefoot through the finish line and into his arms. But if we’re being honest, the lesson we learn from this is that, in life, it doesn’t matter if you try your hardest and follow the rules. Ultimately, if you’re weird as hell and possibly on drugs, you can’t stay on the Bachelor. Bye, Mandi.

After everyone changes out of their crop tops, Becca steals Ben away first to show him that she’s not a complete waste of space and can make at least 4 free throws in a row. True or false: Becca said more words during this exchange than she did in the entire season with Chris? TRUE!

I don’t know who Jennifer is yet but Ben kissed her and I’m just glad it wasn’t Mandi.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Olivia says that the date card coming is the only thing getting her through the day. Um, we already learned that you guys just got there yesterday. Did you swim in the pool? Did you even walk around this mansion? Have you unpacked your toothbrush? How could you be struggling already? Oh yeah, I forgot. Because you are a mean girl with the mouth a size of a black hole.

Lace is talking to Ben, reassuring him that she’s not crazy – we prefer the term mentally ill – and he’s just sitting there taking it, mostly because she interrupts him every other word. Jubilee comes and swoops in (no wonder Ben likes her so much) and Lace is not entertained. Jubilee tells Ben she was adopted and has a lot of love for the charity work she saw him do once on instagram.

Lace decides she will go back to talk to Ben because she didn’t get enough time, and instead of lurking patiently behind a wall like she normally does, she busts right in on LB’s time with Ben leading with, “I’m not crazy, I just need one more minute…”  LB got up real quick because she’s trying not to be a casualty of this barnyard explosion and would rather go eat the spinach dip anyway.

Fresh off her embarrassing geography blunder, JoJo is feeling some type of way about not getting to talk to Ben at all when he whisks her away to a rooftop where they kiss and talk about how she’s never been on a roof before.

JoJo: I'm glad you took the time to get to know me.

Ben: The best 8 minutes of my life.

Caila gets the one-on-one and what better way to spice it up but by throwing Ice Cube and Kevin Hart in the mix. They casually drive through L.A. and visit a liquor store before getting into a hot tub display at a store. Too bad they didn’t end with a nap at Sleepy’s. Later, they have a great conversation about why Caila hasn’t found the right guy, but all I can think about is that poor chicken who lost its life for no reason because nobody is eating.

Her hair tho.

Then Ben has a special unprecedented Bachelor surprise. A Grade D artist is going to serenade them while dancing awkwardly in a circle.

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING. BEN IS SINGING TO HER.

I’ve definitely felt weird about some of the group dates they’ve had on this show before, but never have I felt the terror I experienced watching the smelling date. As you all know, without the ability to smell, I often fear I smell of eggs and soccer cleats. I keep a men’s deodorant in my desk drawer, my car, my purse and my bathroom at all times. Feel free to check. So naturally, this date gave me the ultimate heeby jeebies.

 “She smells flowery, this one smells beachy, this one smells like Spuds.”

Olivia of course scores amazingly high at this completely unscientific test while Samantha tries to get to the root of what smells sour on her. Olivia cautions Samantha that if Ben is a big believer in Science, she would be concerned. If Ben is a big believer in Science, he SHOULD be concerned that a dinosaur managed to squeak through time undetected and ended up on his show.

At the after party, Olivia steals Ben away immediately and the rest are left to plot her demise. But not so fast, Dino, because here comes flight attendant Lauren to swoop in and steal him away.

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING HE PRINTED HER HAD A PRODUCER PRINT LAUREN A PIC OF HERSELF!

I’ve said before that if I were on this show, I would enjoy every minute living in somebody else’s mansion and eating their food and making friends, despite the fact that nobody does any of these things on the show. Lauren straight up tells Ben she made friends and is having fun and this makes her the coolest contestant ever.

Ben was talking to Amanda at the cocktail party and touched her leg and I immediately realized how often I would have to shave on this show. Certainly more than once a season. But on a serious note, she can stay forever because every time he says my her name, I get all warm and fuzzy.

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING. THEY’RE MAKING BARRETTES.

In the end, LB decided that Oklahoma fashion was more exciting than Ben (probably true) and peaced out on her own along with sour Samantha, crazy Mandi and this girl. 

Yeah, me neither. 

So long, suckers. 

Bachelor Ben: Premiere!

Jade bought me a Taylor Swift notebook a while back and shortly before the New Year I started using it as a journal. Looking back at my first entry sometime December (okay, it was Taylor’s birthday because duh), I wrote something about feeling a big change coming on in my life soon and while I didn’t know what was to come, my intuition was feeling that something mayjah was on its way. At that moment, I thought maybe the big change for 2016 would be a boy, a new job or breaking four miles on the treadmill, but I was seriously mistaken. My intuition was preparing me for something far greater. I was getting ready for:

THE LEAST DRAMATIC SEASON IN BACHELOR HISTORY.

Many moons ago, the Bachelor was really just a show about finding love and included moderately-ridiculous dates and slightly above-average looking humans. This phenomenon we see here today is not what it once was, much to the chagrin of old schoolists like my mother. “I don’t need all that dramatic stuff! I want to see him get to know them,” she said to me on the way to work today during our daily morning face time. I kindly reminded her that she was the minority in that matter and that most people like the fighting, love the drama and care very little about the love part until, like, week 9 when the villain finally gets the boot.

Coming off a season like Kaitlyn’s—with that absurd season preview where you KNEW she did one of them during the season and then was seen telling them all on a cozy huddle all about it—it’s hard to imagine what could occur to top such an ordeal. Enter stage left: Ben, the nicest human on earth, whose preview for the season got about as juicy as, “Olivia is not who he thinks she is.” If that’s all they could pull for the preview, which is usually much more exciting than the actual season, I shudder to think that Ben might actually not have a dramatic season at all. He might actually have a season about…love.

Which I’m kind of okay with. This might be the season that the Bachelor just lets Ben do things his way. He had one brief shirtless scene, few dramatic staring-off-into-the-distance shots, and not nearly as many puns as usual. So, in summation, I’m foreseeing that this season is able to top the others simply for being different and getting back to the roots of this show.

And now, onto the slaughter episode.

Ben first goes to Indiana where some people cheered for him and then he sat in some Adirondack chairs with his parents and talked about feeling unlovable. His dad told him he really understood that, so we’re off to a good supportive start. Also, #realtalk here, I had to google if there were lakes in Indiana because I had a hard time getting on board with that concept.

Then, not shown on tv, Ben went and got the sides of his hair faded for absolutely no reason.

The limos arrive and the most notable entrances of course go to Ben’s skinny tie and Chris Harrison’s black-on-silver ensemble. Well done, sir. Divorce suits you (see what I did there?). 

I have a soft spot for Lauren B. already. She seems genuine and I appreciate that she took a risk with that dress color in mid-October. Shoutout to JoJo aka unicorn who seems like she is going to be a favorite of mine as well as LB who gives off the calm, cool and collected vibe I think he’s going for. And Caila! Precious angel Caila. When she doesn’t win, I think she’ll def be a shoe-in for Paradise next summer.

But that’s about as far as my kindness stretches because the rest of these women are busted. Let’s start with Mandi. Now, those of you who know me well know you can’t call me Mandy. Some of you refuse my request and do it anyway, but hopefully you will now understand why I desperately hate to be called the ‘M’ word. I’m sure there are nice Mandis out there. I even know one or two. But for every one nice Mandy, there are ten to twelve out there ruining it for the rest of us and this whack is no exception. Dress was cute, though.

Leah, you had one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted. And you chose to bend over and spend upwards of ten minutes gathering your tulle to throw arguably the worst football snap in history. Girl got a rose, though. Respect.

To the girl who made him a save-the-date, pump the brakes on your crazy train. What part of that seemed like a good idea during the ten minutes it took to order that from snapfish?

Lauren (XQVHJ?) threw that bouquet at him and immediately threw away her side-pony chances at love. You and other social media stalker Lauren can ride Maegen’s tiny pony off into the sunset while she and Jubilee compare guns in the backyard. But make sure you pick up all of Breanne’s bread from the driveway first. Somebody better eat it. That right there is a crime.

If I went on the Bachelor, which would be an egregious mistake on the producer’s part, I would bring Spuds as my offering. Boom! Hometown.

The cocktail party was like, five minutes of this whole episode but I guess that’s all they needed to show us the crazy to come.  My girl Lace is out for blood and make no mistake about it, it has nothing to do with the chardonnay. That girl is crazy all on her own. I told you in my preview blog that she was likely under your beds. I hope you all checked like I suggested.

On more than one occasion, red velvet sidekick can be seen trying to escape Lace’s talons and failing miserably. Poor Emma Stone Laura is just trying to get some one-on-one time with Ben and somehow every time we turn around, she’s been cornered by Lace in a scene eerily reminiscent of Regina George.

Lace: You look, like, way better in that dress.

Laura: Wow, thank you.

Lace: So you agree? You think you look way better in that dress?

Only this time we have two Karen Smiths appearing to us in the forms of Haley and Emily, the twins. By the grace of god, it appears at some point that they end up on the 2-on-1 date together and I couldn’t be more thankful about the prospect of him sending them both home at the same time. I’d rather hear them cry in unison than have to hear them cry separately.

So by this point, everyone has arrived (smirkface emoji) and Ben tries to give the usual “Here’s to a good night” speech but is thwarted by Mandi who is, like, really concerned about his gums. The pinball game begins as lady after lady steals Ben away to tell him how down-to-earth and normal she is when—ding dong—here comes Becca and Amber to ruin their day. Okay, actually just Becca. The room immediately fills with outcries of fairness about how Becca got her chance and blew it. Um, if anyone deserves a pass on this one, it’s her. Because farmer Chris.

After some nice chit chat laser beam death eyes from the other ladies, Becca finds Ben who is being bored to death by Lauren (JTFCB?) in a quiet room somewhere. Ben is excited to see her, but nowhere near as excited as this Lauren chick who fangirls out a little over Becca and gets up and bows out gracefully before she is even asked.

Lauren (NPEKL?): Aw, fuck this, I can’t compete with that. Let me go get some of those toquitos before they’re all gone.

They talk briefly, probably about the new carpets in the mansion this season, when Amber arrives and Becca pretty much has to introduce Ben to her because he sure as hell didn’t know who she was. They both end up with roses, though, which seems like the logical thing to do since he gave the twins roses, too.

Later, Lace tries to make out with Ben and while he is politely telling her why that’s not really his plan for night one, Mandi swoops in again just to check on his molars. I never thought I’d be saying this, but god bless Mandi. Lace is obviously pissed about getting denied, but what is worse is that Ben felt bad about it afterwards. He is such a gentlemen that he goes back to apologize for not being able to explain himself better. This man is perfect. But, in the future, let’s use that charm on somebody worthy.

Counselor time: Lace has two sides; lust and bitch. She uses her looks to get what she wants, and when she doesn’t get it, she turns into a bitch. Plain and simple, this is deeply rooted in a self-confidence issue and or a childhood of being spoiled and never told no. Also, please open your mouth when you speak. It’s really hard to hear you with your jaw clenched shut.

The rose ceremony sends home Laura, who is probably pretty happy to be getting away from Lace, Izzy in the onesie, Lauren #3, bread-smashing Breanne, Maegen (but not her pony), chicken-loving Tiara (Sheila will be happy to see you), and Jessica. Yeah, me neither. I had to look it up.

The exit interviews are pretty much what you’d expect from night one. The sun is basically coming up and these trainwrecks just want to get Wendy’s and go home. Oh, except Breanne, who is actually crying, probably because she’s hungry.

Immediately, Lace pulls Ben aside to talk about how incredibly rude it was that he didn’t look at her specifically during the rose ceremony. Ben double-checks that she indeed is upset about eye-contact and reminds her that there are 20 other women here and probably runs off to check with the camera guy to see if he can rescind her rose. Not until next week, Ben.

They didn’t really show Amanda or JoJo or LB much this episode, which is a great sign for things to come. I also am adding Lauren B. into my top 5 because right now she is a shining beacon of blonde light amongst brunettes. Caila snags my coveted fifth spot, but I’m sticking Rachel on as my dark horse. Also, I don’t really care about Olivia because she looks like a dinosaur and apparently turns out to be an assailing beach monster later on this season. The center part is aggressive, make no mistake.

So, what do we think? Until next time…

xoxo,

Amanda

p.s. I will be in Italy for the next two episodes, so hang tight until I get back. I swear I won't forget about you and your needs. 

Bachelor Ben - Season Preview

Every year, the holidays come and go and suddenly we find ourselves back at our desks

crying over the disasters we left here back in December. But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel this year in the form of a tall, dark and handsome man. Bachelor Ben is back, ladies and gentlemen, which means the blog is back, too. Your Christmas wish is my command.

Last season around this time, I was having a conversation with my friend and viewing partner, Mary, about the pictures that ABC posted of the bachelors on Kaitlyn’s season. I was of course scouring through them on the day of the premiere and remember DISTINCTLY having serious feels for Ben even then. Those weird headshots are usually not indicative of how attractive or fucking weird awful they turn out to be, but his was spot-on from day one. I love me some Ben.

So I got to thinking this year that I should probably record some of my pre-premiere opinions on the blog so we can go back and laugh later throughout the season. I have a feeling this season won’t be as ridiculous as others because Ben doesn’t really strike me as a BS kind of guy, but I’m sure there are some characters in the bunch. Here’s what I see so far:

You can see the ABC bios here:

http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast

I’ll start by saying that more than one of these women answered the question “If you could be anybody for a day” with the correct answer of Taylor Swift so we are off to a good start. A few of them also made good jokes, so I like the vibe of this crew so far.  Here are some notable observations:

Amber and Becca are both back from previous seasons. You’ll remember Becca as the beautiful virgin who dodged a huge bullet in the form of Chris Soules during that finale. And you won’t remember Amber so it’s almost like you’ll be meeting her for the first time.

Amanda- Only mentioning her because of her name. She’s an outdoorsy mom who likes nutella. Minus the ombre, we’re off to a good start.

Breanne- Given the option to be any fruit or vegetable, she picked a carrot and said the best way to get a man’s attention is to smize. Gives off the vibe of being a strong independent woman…or a closet serial killer. TBD.

Caila: Free spirit. Great hair. Looks like she’ll be about half Ben’s height. Says she wants 3 kids because 5 people fit in most cars. Thinking ahead, Caila.

Twins: That really needs no description.

Izzy: I hope this girl doesn’t turn out to be a queen B because I kind of want to be her friend. She’s got a cool job and seems laid back. I’ll be pissed if she turns out to suck.

Jackie: She’s a gerontologist. I spent all the time I would’ve writing her description googling wtf that is.

P.S. I still don’t know.

I’m skipping Jami because I don’t really care have much to say.

Jennifer seems adorable. All her fave movies are faves of mine and she also seems to have a good sense of humor.

Jessica seems like a former soccer player who has a deep voice and might beat the shit out of Ben.

JoJo- Looks like Isla Fisher (look it up) and mentioned Taylor Swift so….

Jubilee- Army vet who said her ideal Saturday night was a manage a trois with her pillow and blanket. So, she’s def getting my add on instagram.

Lace- Now there’s a nutjob if I’ve ever seen one. Idk what it is but this girl may very well be under your bed right now so make sure you check before you turn off the lights.

Laura: Looks like she’s about 17.

LB: A fashion buyer from Oklahoma? I’m intrigued. She just seems like a down-to-earth gal. She looks like one of our old tour guides, Gianna, whom I love dearly, so maybe that’s why. If you’re reading this, Hi G!

Lauren B: Love all of her answers. I have this sinking feeling, though, that Ben likes brunettes and us blondies might not last that long (yes, I said us).

Lauren H: Seems like an air head.

Lauren R: Enough with the Laurens. But seriously, she seems cool but I had this “That’s So Raven” moment of her getting sent home on a one-on-one or two-on-one date. Idk why, but I see a fiery demise for this one.

Leah: Mentioned that skydiving is on her bucket list as well as flying in a helicopter. You do realize that, in telling them this, you will never get to do those things on this show. You can only scale a building if you’re terrified. Rookies.

Maegen and Mandi: Putting them together because of their name spelling and also because I assume both will be out night one.

Olivia: No lie, I just saw her tiny pic and said “This girl looks like she works on tv.” I shit you not, she’s a damn news anchor. Do we remember Amy from a few seasons ago? Who did her news shtick and immediately got sent home? Yikes.

Rachel you precious unemployed angel. I hope she turns out sweet because she reminds me of Des. Could she be the next bachelorette?

Shushanna: Country girl turned city chic. But why are her parents so cruel?

Tiara: Chicken enthusiast.

So based on my very surface-level  inspection, I say these five gals will be the ones to watch:

Izzy, JoJo, LB, Rachel & Shushanna

Although I fully reserve the right to change my mind once I see them tonight. But for now, these are my thoughts. See you all later…

xoxo,

Amanda