Bachelor Chris- Week 8

It’s the final countdown, y’all. This week, after much meandering around the U.S.’ fly-over states, Chris and his overactive sweat glands finally take the remaining women on a real trip to Bali. I always find it interesting when this franchise does the fantasy date in a really tropical, warm locale. It never looks good. Never. Everyone is shiny, hair askew, breathing deeply as to not pass out. Tonight was no different. Oh, and because you all know that I’m extra nosy about things, I took the liberty of looking up some seasonal information about Bali. Turns out the tourism department of Bali credits October through March, when this was filmed, as the worst time to visit the island as it is known as the wet season:

“The rainy season lasts from October through March, blanketing the region in oppressive humidity couple with frequent storms. Torrential downpours come in intervals, hammering down in short bursts. The sheer humidity and excessive rainfall make this an undesirable period for travel.”

Well done, ABC.

We start off with a strange afternoon of monkey pee and frizz as Kaitlyn and Chris enjoy the rainforest and discuss how Kaitlyn is letting her guard down. Chris mumbles a little, monkeys shudder in the distance at this abysmal attempt at communication, and the two go their separate ways to get ready for a dinner they will most certainly not be eating.

They return to an incredible setup amongst tiki torches and a waterfall, but all I kept thinking about was why Kaitlyn didn’t just put her hair in a bun. It’s HOT, ma’am. He’s panting like a retriever. The crew is going to fall over dead at any minute. Save yourself!

The only part of this date that I need to comment on is that Chris told Kaitlyn he was falling in love with her and ABC aired it. For those of you out there who have been watching for a while, we know that they generally don’t share those moments with the viewers, even though we all assume they happen. Any doubts I may have had about Becca going home instead of Kaitlyn were squashed in that instant. ABC is all about foreshadowing.

Okay, I lied. I also need to comment on the fantasy suite itself. Am I overstepping, or do we all think ABC gave them the steamiest of the suites? I mean, a heart tub with roses? Her room was much more 50-Shades than the other two.

Whitney’s date was once again the one I would have wanted. I’m a water person, as you all know, and so to be on a boat and just get to lie around all day and swim sounds like perfection to me. Even if that captain did crash into the dock. I appreciated that she and her spray tan had the conversation about her sister being a biotch with Chris, and giving the backstory of why she’s so overbearing. Surprisingly, Chris showed absolutely zero emotion about this and told her it was fine and makes her who she is. See also: every other conversation he’s had this season.

At dinner, Whitney and her BUN have a serious heart-to-heart with Chris about the future. First things first, she’s the realist, and when he asks about Arlington she tells it like it is.

Whitney: I worked really hard to get where I am today making babies for other people and so if you propose to me and make me move to your ghost town and it doesn’t work out I will bludgeon you to death with a corn husk.

She is super ready for the fantasy suite, and I am super ready by this point to get the dreaded Becca saga over with. So, let’s get on with it.

Becca’s hair gives zero fucks about the humidity and stays perfect all day. They visit the love medium who of course encourages them to have sex that night because that’s the only way two people can know if a relationship will work, right? Chris’ awkward giggle rears its ugly head yet again and the two mosey on to dinner where Becca promises the cameras no less than 75 times that she will tell Chris about being a virgin before they go to the fantasy suite.

Yeah, okay.

After she absolutely does not tell him at the dinner table, the two saunter up to the suite where she sits him down and tells him about being a virgin. Shockingly, Chris says that it’s part of who she is and says a lot about her character. It seems like all is going well until the next morning when, in Andi Dorfman fashion, he is pensively staring into the distance while his voice-over tells us that something isn’t right.

At the rose ceremony, Chris pulls Becca aside to address this, and while they talk on a stoop somewhere, Kaitlyn is gushing to the cameras about how excited she is that Becca is probably going home.

…Which pretty much means you’re going home because ABC aint no fool and showed that to throw everybody off.

I'm not hugging you guys. 

Becca returns, Kaitlyn is shocked then dumped while Whitney tries to control a smile as they leave. Kaitlyn will not make eye contact with Chris as he tries to explain himself, which we all know is his greatest strength. Kaitlyn is pithy and sarcastic generally, and it is pretty obvious that she’s not the teary-eyed pleading type. I was a little put-off by her attitude, but I can’t really make a judgment because I’m sure I would’ve thrown a chair or something if it was me. Chris hugs Kaitlyn who is just a limp noodle and the production crew high fives at the perfect audio clip of their hearts beating quickly into each other’s microphones. This is so awkward. Thank god for that rooster, right?

Next week, the Women Tell All and I cannot wait to see Kelsey try to apologize while being stoned by lipsticks from the audience. Will Britt have showered? Is Kaitlyn still heartbroken over Chris? Did Ashley I. get more eyelash extensions? It all happens next week, on the BACHELOR.

xoxo

Bachelor Chris: Week 7 Part 2

Almost 5 hours of Bachelor this week.  I had to stay up super late to finish the Sunday episode on DVR after the sorority meeting, but I’m not even mad about it. Seeing Britt walk over to the road and throw herself under the bus was arguably the most entertaining portion of this season. See you and your dry shampoo at the WTA.

He's totally gonna take me back. 

Britt:  Guys, I just packed my stuff.

Jade: Because you didn’t get one rose?

Britt: He, like, gave it to someone else.

Kaitlyn: I’m literally sitting right here.

No cocktail party? No problem. Britt will just make her own little cocktail party in the back. Only this time Chris is not having it. This is the second or third time she’s put him on the spot, the exception being that this time she did it in FRONT of everybody else. Oh, and the fact that Carly has been shitting on her for two weeks probably doesn’t help her cause. Oops.

 She starts off by apologizing for putting him on the spot while Chris nods incessantly. She then asks him if there’s anything he wants to say to her. Worst. Mistake. Of. Your. Life.

I can forgive Chris for all his bad conversations thus far because he FINALLY showed emotion and said what he was feeling. All the while, she is trying to talk over him and he is just getting louder and more forceful with her. She just wanted to be able to flutter her eyelashes and get out of it. NOT IN MY HOUSE.

The girls are now sitting down in the other room. How long were they gone for?

Britt finally gives up the fight and lets Chris say his peace. With her dying breath, rather than apologizing or thanking him for the experience, Britt instead decides to plead for the name of her narc. Chris doesn’t give up Carly’s name, but Britt is already on the war path. He shuts it down by saying that the way Carly reacted was how he wants someone to react in his future.

Which would’ve been romantic if he didn’t send her home ten minutes later.

Self-deprecating Carly gets in the Uber and drives away, wondering what’s wrong with her all the way home. ABC will definitely not pick her as the next Bachelorette because she played the role of the class clown this season, not the girl-next-door. I definitely think she could end up on Bachelor In Paradise, though. As could Britt, assuming she’s not still sitting in the front yard crying.

How about that Johnson & Johnson commercial? That baby was freaking adorable.

Hometown dates!

Historically, hometown dates give us an overbearing parent or sibling, somebody who blows it big time, somebody who lives in a mansion, and a serious sense of wondering how some of these people share genes. This episode did not disappoint. Starting with Becca.

Becca’s sister gives zero fucks about making this experience as uncomfortable as possible. She just told you she didn’t tell him about being a virgin. Why are you telling Chris that she’s not an intimate person? Why is your MOTHER also commenting on Becca’s conservative lifestyle? Why are you all basically insinuating that she’s a robot? LEAVE BRITNEY BECCA ALONE!

Chris must really like her, though, because this hometown was an unusual blend of boring and uncomfortable. Sort of like the time Kirk took Ali Fedotowsky to see his dad’s taxidermy collection.

Remember Kirk? I need to find out where that man got to.

Whitney’s hometown begged a lot of questions:

1.       How much paperwork did it take to get into this hospital with 400 cameras?

2.       What’s the point of a medical cap if your bangs are sticking out in front?

3.       Why is it always the ugly sister who feels the need to ruin it for the pretty one?                You’re already married. Step aside.

When Chris stopped Whitney outside her house to ask about getting a blessing, I thought she was going to cry. I really did. After all, she has cried over less significant things. But she kept it together. Probably because she knew her sister was waiting within. If he asked other parents for blessings, they didn’t show it. And if he didn’t ask, well, you know.

Whitney: Ok, listen, sister. I’ve seen this show. This is the part where the frontrunner doesn’t get a rose because her dumb sibling messes this up. Don’t mess this up for me.

Sister: I do what I want.

Good for Whitney for trying, but just like with Becca, a little family nonsense doesn’t seem to be swaying Chris. I think at this point he knows what he wants to do. All the rest is a formality.

No Blessing For You. 

Also, I think Whitney's sister is pretty obviously a descendant of Margaret Hamilton, a.k.a. the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. 

Kaitlyn is so fun. I will admit that she has grown on me. I’m pulling for her to be the new Bachelorette at this point, mostly because Jade is too shy, Carly is too sassy and Britt is too…much. Partially because we made a bet in my office and if she is the next Bachelorette, Joe and Jade owe me a coffee each.

Kaitlyn and Chris and their matching weird laughs enjoy a casual recording studio sesh.

Rhythm: 1 Chris: 0.

I would like to live in this condo in Arizona, please. The décor, the cute little patio fire pit, the well-balanced meal? I mean, come on! This looks like quite the life. I’m strangely unaffected by her parents and their new spouses cohabitating so nicely, too. Canadians for the win.  

Kaitlyn stole the idea for her billboard from Chris from last season when he flew a plane over the cornfields for Andi, so of course this goes over well.  

Kaitlyn: I want to give you 100% of me.

Chris: And you will. Next week in the fantasy suite.

Now, I know we’re all thinking that Chris ditched Jade this week because of her nudies, but one will never know for sure if he genuinely felt more connected to Becca and Kaitlyn. I’m excluding Whitney because I think we all are assuming she will reign victorious. I also know that the pickins for Bachelorette are slim, so I’m thinking maybe the producers had a hand in her being let go now instead of later. Plus, how trashy would he look if he took the girl who just told you about her sexual past to the fantasy suite and then dumped her right after? Yikes.

I knew Jade was a goner before the date was even halfway done. Jade’s dad asked Chris if he was falling in love with her. He responded honestly that he was, and that is totally cool for him to have admitted. What was totally UNcool was how ABC aired it. There was absolutely no way they would show Chris specifying whom he was falling in love with, let alone ONE girl exclusively, without her being the one let go that night. I again refer to the time Des said she was in love with Brooks and he left her alone on the dock. Call me crazy, but my vault of Bachelor episodes past always come in handy.

Jade gets the boot.

Wild mustangs gotta run free. 

Bachelor Chris - Week 7 Part 1

Happy President’s day, everyone! And what better way to honor our great nation than by celebrating its demise via a double-header of the Bachelor. Nothing says life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness like a bunch of crying women in a cornfield, am I right?

But first, we have to talk about a couple of things. First of all, this weekend I saw 50 Shades of Grey and the new Taylor Swift music video for Style. One I expected to love, the other I expected to make me cringe uncontrollably. I had it backwards. Taylor, why are you doing this to me, girl?

Also, did anybody see Ashley I. sporting this awesome shirt on Jimmy Kimmel?

Next, we have to talk about the completely unnecessary hour of Chris Harrison’s interviews with Kelsey, Chris and Andi.  The only thing I learned from this “Tell-All” was that Ashley S. was in fact picked straight from the loony bin, Andi doesn’t believe in nail polish, and Kelsey really truly believes she is smarter than everyone else on the show. Or in America, as it were, as she has stated that she’s moving to Paris to become a writer. Translation: no elementary school wants you guiding their children. That would just be too con-tro-ver-SEE-all.

Chris Harrison: Did you fake the panic attack?

Kelsey: No! And I never said anything bad about Ashley, either. Except that time I said she needed to go play dress-up and had too much makeup on and that I was above her and then tried to kill her with my eyes. We’re good friends.

Chris Harrison: Do you think you’re smarter than the rest of the girls?

Kelsey: (Three hours pass) No…but I do think Ashley thinks that. That’s why she got so upset.

Ma’am.

I’m not giving this another moment of my time. Goodbye, Kelsey. See you at the Women Tell All.

Skipping right to Andi because I was truly uncomfortable during this whole exchange. Like, Sarah McLachlan animal rescue uncomfortable. Any interview that starts with the interviewee in tears is not headed in a good direction. If the whole interview was six minutes, four of them were sniffling. I remember really liking Andi on Juan Pablo’s season until the very end, and then my affection for her deteriorated pretty quickly as the Bachelorette. I found her to be aggressive, a little holier-than-thou and at times just a little selfish. Which is funny because she credits that as the downfall of her relationship with Josh. Reader’s digest version: too many chiefs, not enough Indians. Sorry, Andi. But the upside is that this relationship was not your greatest failure in life so far. That award definitely goes to your ombre hair from 2013.

Thank god that crap is over. Let’s get to the real episode.

Although Megan didn’t have much of a place on this season, I was glad to see her excuse herself before being made to stand at the rose ceremony for another 4 hours. Plus, she probably caught wind that they were going to Iowa and that was just way too much international travel for her in one month.

  Carly must be the next Bachelorette. I just love her antics so much. I don’t think they would pick her, but gosh, what a season it would be.

Chris comes in and tells them they are off to Iowa. Carly falls to the floor with excitement and Britt tries to make sense of Chris’ face lighting up when he talked about his home state. “I can tell he really likes it there.”

Profound.

“Des Moines has a real metropolitan feel. “

 Metropolis: (n:) a very large and densely populated industrial and commercial city.

Hmm.

Jade goes to Arlington, population: Jade and Chris. Oh, and Jessica the cow. Don’t forget her. The whole town has cleared the streets to attend the Friday night football game, which is both cute and terrifying if you think about it. Jade assures Chris that he doesn’t need to be ashamed of his small town in hopes that he won’t be ashamed of her nudies all over the internet. Then again, we’re not even sure if they have the internet in Arlington.

Jade comes home and tells the ladies all about it. Everyone is fake-interested except Britt, who explodes into tears at the mention of chanting. Has she always wanted to be chanted at? I’m not sure what causes her to go from doe-eyed and cooing to hysterical instantaneously, but it is truly alarming how often it seems to occur.

1-on-1 with Whitney.

The 90s flannel rears its ugly head again.

Whitney has clearly gotten the dates I would want on this season. Spontaneous, meaningful, and a photoshoot. I think her and Jade have both obviously had the coolest dates so far, and as my mom would say, it’s theirs to lose at this point. Both have gotten really unique time to spend with him. The photoshoot is not a date you give to somebody who you think you’re sending home. ABC, I see you.

Carly wants to roadtrip to Arlington. Britt is all, “No, no, let him show us,” trying to be the voice of reason. Even better. We’ll go without your annoying ass. Maybe you can stay here and work on getting that glitter off your face from the week 3 rose ceremony.

Nobody cares what Britt thinks so they all pile into the Suburban and drive off to the cornfields of Arlington. Upon entering the town, they were completely aghast by the one or two blocks of run-down brick buildings and eerie silence. They’re all sort of backhandedly questioning if other people even live in this town.  You’re telling me none of you dummies googled it before you came on the show? Amateurs.

But then Carly sees a Jesus she recognizes and all is well again.

 Meanwhile, back in Des Moines, we’ve come to find out that Chris is quite possibly the only attractive human in Iowa.  He brings some of his buddies to meet Whitney, including the side talker and his alien friend. As usual, Whitney is REALLY excited about this. Like, REALLY excited. It all goes well and by the end of the night, you can kind of tell that she’s good to go on to the next episode.  Not to be insensitive, but this girl had no parents and no real extended family, so she’s kind of a perfect transplant to a farm, no?

Group dates this season have been some of the best ever. The badlands date? Amazing. Britt sneaks off to the Big & Rich concert only to be the subject of major shade throwing? Fabulous. But tonight, tonight is truly the epitome of awkward perfection. Carly uses her alone time to rat Britt out for being two-faced and Britt uses her alone time to take credit for the Arlington expedition.

 "WE DECIDED to go to Arlington…"

No the fuck you didn’t.

Fake. Fake. Fake.

 Besides her eyebrows, Carly is perfect. Carly for president.

Chris gives Kaitlyn the group rose and Britt temporarily considers ways to murder her. She doesn’t say it out loud, but I think we could all tell that’s what was happening. She’s starting to exhibit her serial killer tendencies. Weird nodding, weird finger flicking, blank stares. After several warnings from other girls, this tantrum could not have come at a better time.

Final nail? Meet coffin.

Bachelor Chris - Week 6

2 girls, one rose. 1 stays, one goes.

Can we just take a minute to let that soak in? Thank goodness the fantastic 2-on-1 date has returned after two seasons of hibernation. And man, was it back in full force last night. I don’t know about you all, but I can’t think of more gratifying way to get rid of Cleopatra and the Guidance Counselor than by dropping them in the desert and letting them spontaneously combust. Brilliant work on the part of ABC if they planned this date with these two in mind. And if they didn’t, that’s just embarrassing that somebody submitted “bed in the middle of desert” as a legitimate date.

You are so right, Kaitlyn. 

We rejoin the apathetic women as they sip wine and toast by the fire on what should have been the end of last week’s episode. Instead, Kelsey is writhing around on the floor and some woman is asking her about brownies while she received oxygen out of an ENORMOUS tank that somebody had in a backpack. Seriously, did you see that thing? That looks like the thing that killed Jaws. Anyway, Kelsey is able to sit up and use the face mask since she totally doesn’t wear makeup and is so real and was a wife once in case you didn’t know. She then informs the medic that she won’t be getting one but all nine roses up for grabs tonight. All the while, ABC is playing quirky, comical background music, clearly a giant middle finger in Kelsey’s direction.

She demands to see Chris and of course ABC obliges. Chris clearly has zero idea what was going on because he was too busy in the back trying to remember Samantha’s name to send her home. He comes in and reassures Kelsey that she looks beautiful, numerous times, and begs her not to kill him in his sleep.

She returns to the group, mink stole and all, to relieve them of their obvious worry for her health.  The emotional burden was just too much for her, okay? She then breaks into another one of her snoozeworthy dissertations about the meaning of life and how blessed they would be to go to Arlington Iowa. Arlington Iowa is the new Sanderson Poe. Did you know he lives in Arlington, Iowa? I know you all know he's from Iowa (except maybe Megan),but did you know he lives in Arlington? Because I do. Because I'm smart.

Meanwhile, Ashley I. is already crying because she doesn’t have a sad enough story to guarantee herself a rose. Trust me, honey, your story is plenty sad, just not in a dead spouse kind of way. More like an eye-rolling how-can-you-be-this-oblivious way.  Every week she sighs dramatically at the rose ceremony to let Chris know that she was not happy about not being called first. Or already having a rose from a one-on-one that we will never ever have the horror pleasure of witnessing. Anyway, Samantha and Mackenzie get the boot and I don’t think anybody noticed because they were all in shock from Kelsey’s name being called last. At this point, I know we were all thinking we wished Ashley S. was still around to lighten to mood.

 I can't even be excited about Mackenzie leaving because I’m too distracted by the terrible b-roll of South Dakota that is going on here.  You actually took them to a place called DEADWOOD. I can't think of a better description of this Bachelor, actually. But still, there had to be another “wild west” town with indoor plumbing in ABC’s price range.

The first date card arrives. It does not belong to Kelsey, and for that reason Becca should sleep with one eye open.  Honestly, Kelsey? Did you really think they were gonna give you a gun?

Becca’s date was super sweet and super normal and super cruel to that little donkey they introduced and then left tied to a tree. You actually didn’t see him again until the credits were rolling and the donkey was running in fear from the gunshot sound. That’s Bachelor-0 PETA-2 for this season so far.

Whitney is always drinking wine. It explains her constant state of smiling and serenity.

Carly is not over Kelsey’s antics and decides to band together with Whitney and Kaitlyn to confront her. Whitney starts it off, angelic as always, and Kelsey is quick to respond with the most genuine apology I’ve ever heard. Carly chimes in to let Kelsey know that though she be but little, she is fierce!

Carly: You’re fake and we know it and soon Chris will know it too.

Kelsey: I’m not fake, I’m conniving. They are different. God, I am so much smarter than all of you.

p.s. did anybody notice than when Carly started talking and she said, “WE feel…” that Kaitlyn’s head shot up like, “Oh, shit! Don’t put my name out there. I was just sitting here.”

"I know I know I'm eloquent. Everyone has their cross to bear."

Meanwhile, back on the actual date, Chris has strung together the most words he has all season. He’s comfortable with Becca, most likely because he knows he can’t just kiss her to pass the time. I think Becca is a normal contestant, which explains why she gets zero airtime, even during her own one-on-one.

The group date card comes and the most important part of this is that Ashley and Kelsey are not on the group date. 50% of my weekly stress will be gone by the end of this episode. Both women are independently telling the cameras that they can pretty much guarantee themselves the rose because the other is bonkers. The editing crew could honestly take a vacation at this point. Pure uncomfortable perfection.

Kelsey’s laugh is Vanessa from The Little Mermaid. Took me 6 weeks, but I finally figured it out.

This group date was the first time in Bachelor history that the contestants knew the artist who came to visit. After 6 moderate-to-awful songs, Chris decided that the best way to make this experience comfortable for everyone involved was to take Britt to a concert and let the other girls sit in a circle and talk about their feelings. Britt, who hates country according to Whitney, is gushing about how much she loves this music and how fun it is to be the center of attention. After all, everyone in that room wanted to be her, right?

Girl giving zero fucks about her iPhone in their face snapping pics in the background for the win.

Now, it’s not Britt's fault he took her away from the other girls. None of them in that

situation would have declined. That’s entirely on Chris, and I think it’s safe to say he probably already has or certainly will feel the brunt of that decision for weeks to come. And even though I’m not Britt’s biggest fan, I definitely feel for her a little bit coming back in and being up front and saying that she felt uncomfortable. But I also feel like karma is kind of a bitch and maybe you are a little fake and this was their chance to throw the shade at you that they’ve been holding for several weeks.

The 2-on-1 needs no introduction.

Ashley already had very little of my support, but referring to yourself as Glinda the good witch? Please don't even ruin a musical for me like that again. And enough kissing! Goodness gracious, woman! Kissing, crying, eye-rolling. Exactly, what else do you list on your resume? Oh, and you sealed your fate by mentioning Kelsey. I know he asked, but if you were actually a fan of this show, you would know that every time in the history of the world that a woman has said something about another contestant, she’s a goner. And I didn’t need my master’s degree to figure that out.

Chris is either an idiot or really trying to help out the producers by telling Kelsey that Ashley is a snitch. And as we all know, snitches get stiches, or in this case, burn marks from Kelsey’s laser beam eyes.

“I know what you did.” (Chills.)

Ashley fends off Kelsey’s attack with some harsh words the truth about Kelsey thinking she is smarter than everybody even though on paper they are equally educated.  She then runs away to prove this intelligence by crying some more and dragging Chris up a hill where she breaks into utter hysterics and covers her face to keep from shooting snot or eyelashes in his direction. Chris has had enough, and he lets Ashley know that she just isn’t going to fit in on the farm because there’s literally no one for her to fight with.  She uses her last dying breath to throw Britt under the bus about not fitting in in Iowa, which I—disgracefully—appreciated. And just like that, she was gone. Wait no, actually, she walked away and then came back to cry some more. And then she was gone.

Back at the ranch, the luckiest personal assistant in Bachelor history comes in to remove

Ashley’s luggage, much to the dismay of the remaining women.  They are legitimately crying over the loss of Ashley I. for maybe 20 minutes before Chris tells Kelsey that she’s not coming with to Iowa, either, and the same PA gets to come in and take the other suitcase out as well. But don’t worry, guys, because Kelsey is above it. She is here (hand motion). Christmas morning ensues, and everything is warm and good in the world.

Until next week when Britt breaks down and all hell breaks loose.

Until next time…

xoxo  

Bachelor Chris - Week 5

Isn’t my story amazing? I mean, I’ve lived this long without a hand or generally functioning vision or smell but this is the unfolding of somebody who has been through something so tragic, and you get to watch me pick up the pieces by writing this bachelor blog. I love my story.

This week, we journey 900 miles inland to Santa Fe, where 11 women are left vying for the possibly defective heart of Prince Farming. 12 if you count Jordan, but we’re back to 11 after we disregard Samantha. Samantha Who? Anybody remember that show from the late 2000’s? That’s what I think of every time I see her.

Date card one arrives and it’s for Carly. I’m both excited and nervous because I think Carly is sweet and funny and definitely not the one for Chris. It’s only a matter of time before his connection with other women gets stronger he admits he sees her as just a friend. It’s that squinty-eyed, teeth clenched emotion that can only be described as waiting for the inevitable. By all means, let’s make this even more awkward by dressing them as medieval peasants and having them feel each other up and breathe into one another’s nasal cavities. Hope you brushed.

After an emotional afternoon date—albeit filled with all the wrong emotions—Chris and Carly and her wet-look-leggings go back to a rustic Santa Fe cottage where they forego the ample seating and opt for a seat on the floor facing away from the fire. Carly delves deeper into her relationship past and the masks of wanting to feel beautiful. Her side interviews are always so funny and compelling, and I really enjoy her as this season’s most realistic candidate. She’ll be the one posting memes of herself the minute she gets eliminated. Quickly though, I have to comment on how her commentary on her past relationships have changed since last week. Is it me or did she sort of allude to the fact that her previous relationship was slightly abusive when she told Chris’ sisters that men “hadn’t always been nice” to her? Then this week her previous boyfriend didn’t want to have sex with her. Both are terrible, but wildly different. Chris tells her about his mask of being ready to settle down, all while looking in every direction besides Carly’s. That’s how you know he’s not really into it. He full-on stares at Britt, Kaitlyn, even disgusting Ashley I. gets his full attention. But Carly is in the friend zone. And because she’s just been addressing her fear of the friend zone for 6 hours, she gets the rose.

Meanwhile, Ashley I. is back at the house pleading her case to the cameras about getting the

other one-on-one. She could be telling the other women, but let’s be honest, they can’t fucking stand her either. Even Mackenzie told her she was being irrational this week. Megan would listen, if she wasn’t off somewhere looking for the New Mexican Ocean.

In comes the date card and it is for everyone besides Britt, giving Ashley I. another reason to Kim K ugly cry. It’s pretty obvious that they are going rafting, but everyone speculates about the other meaning of the word rapid. After a brief but terrifying account of the dangers of white water rafting from my main man Sisqo, the women pile into two boats (I see you ABC with the competition) and raft for approximately 90 seconds before Jade topples out of the raft and to her untimely death. Worry not, because Sisqo is here for you, booboo, and pulls her back into the boat like it was nothing. Kaitlyn’s recounting of this was easily her best quote of the week. Leave it to Kelsey and Mackenzie to not understand science and make fun of Jade’s condition. Be that as it may, karma is a bitch, and she’ll be waiving to your asses from the finale.

Night portion of the rafting date goes from mediocre to middle school in no time flat when Jordan resurfaces in the lobby of the hotel. I’m always confused when women try to come back on this show, let alone twice in one season. Never in the history of this show has a man said, “You know what, come on back. I don’t mind the wrath of these 20 piercing pairs of eyes.” Sure enough, every woman—besides Kaitlyn—chooses to waste their 4 minutes of alone time talking about why Jordan isn’t right for him. This is awkward, but nowhere near as juicy as what’s going on in the lobby between Whitney and Ashley I.

Ashley I. is pissed—what else is new—that nobody is being mean to Jordan. Whitney is pissed that Ashley I. is even a contestant on this show. The conversation went something like this:

Ashley I.: We should all be mean to Jordan because she’s stealing our man.

Whitney: Nobody is stealing him you dumb whore.

Ashley I: You’re so fake.

Whitney: You’re so not making it to hometowns.

I think that’s how it went.

Anyway, Jordan gets the boot and takes it really well because the producers told her ahead of

Take that, KardASHLEY. 

time that this was her only shot at getting back on TV. Everyone is throwing silent shade at Jordan as she leaves and Chris gives the rose to Whitney. Ashley I., who has never been more confused, immediately exits stage left with her ridiculous white romper (this was filmed in October or November, by the way) to go complain to Mackenzie, who is having none of it. Like I said, karma is a bitch.

The last one-on-one goes to a girl who is afraid of heights. Go figure. It took them long enough to start pushing the mental health boundaries of this season’s contestants. Britt is hysterical about the date card almost instantaneously, and I feel bad for a short while. However, I kind of forgot about it when she admitted to not showering. I’m sorry, what? No explanation, no discussion about why she doesn’t shower. Especially with the amount of hair she has and makeup on her face? How exactly is that possible?

Chris busts into the girls’ hotel room around 4:30 a.m., and stinky Britt, covered in makeup, is happy to get up and wake everyone else while she scurried around looking for an outfit. Carly, our resident realist, is pissed that she got shhh-ed by Chris. Oh no he didn’t.

Miraculously, Britt is not fazed at all by the fact that an air balloon goes higher than the buildings she was terrified of scaling ten minutes ago. They hover around for a while and kiss as the sun rises and nobody cares because back at the house, Kelsey is telling the tragic story of Sanderson Poe and his untimely death. I don’t mean to devalue the death of a spouse, and believe me, I really do feel for Sanderson in more ways than one, but this whole thing was just so out of control. I don’t really care that she waited this long to tell them or that she hasn’t told Chris. I do, however, find it odd that her beloved Sanderson dropped dead and she couldn’t recall why when telling the story. That’s usually something you remember, or at least rehearse before you go on TV to flaunt it.

Britt comes back and tells them about her date which concluded with a nap. Still, nobody cares.

Kelsey, who hasn’t gotten a one-on-one yet and probably wasn’t getting a rose this week, takes it into her own hands to go to Chris’ room and tell him the story of Sanderson Poe. I’m trying to say his name as many times as she did last night, for the record. Chris is understanding, but also doesn’t humor her by allowing her to stay in his room for long.

Chris: Shall we?

Kelsey: No, hehe.

Chris: No seriously, get the hell out of my room.

Kelsey then goes to the producers to make sure she gets her 15 minutes of fame explaining how tragically wonderful her story is and how this isn’t just about Chris, this is about HER. No, actually, this is about Chris Harrison, who hasn’t had enough airtime in weeks.

Cocktail party time. JK Chris is so freaked out by fake-ass Kelsey that there will be NO cocktail

party here. Not without increased security. Kelsey, who has just been digging herself an early grave with the women by saying how confident she is and how sad she’ll be to see them all go, gets a reality check when Chris blows up her spot in front of all of them. He leaves to compose himself and Kelsey realizes that she is not as safe as she thought. Immediately, she runs to the bathroom and throws a Tierra-sized tantrum on the floor in the hallway. A panic attack, she’s calling it. However, Chris Harrison wrote in his Entertainment Weekly interview this week that when she was in the bathroom, her microphone pack was off, but miraculously when she had emerged from the bathroom and was lying on the floor, her mic had magically reappeared. Nice try, stupid.

Nobody seems drastically concerned about this, not even Jade who was just trying to take a piss in the bathroom when it all happened.

Will Kelsey be okay? Will she get a rose? Will Ashley I. smile at all? Will Megan know where the next destination is?

Until then…

xoxo 

P.S. Sanderson Poe.