Bachelor Arie: Week 4

Welcome back to another week of what might just be the most uneventful season of the Bachelor EVER. The only saving grace of this season is that there are certainly some good contenders for Bachelor in Paradise and for the next Bachelorette! Small victories.

So the women are sitting around in their jammies waiting for a date card and in walks Chris Harrison to tell them to pack their bags to head to their first exotic location, Lake Tahoe! It always makes me chuckle when they have to pretend to be excited to go to the next state over and there’s inevitably at least one woman who looks utterly confused in the background.

Over the last few weeks, we’ve been able to get to know Arie, albeit very small and surface-level things. This episode, however, was very telling about him as a person, how he prioritizes and where his interests truly lie. The verdict isn’t good, IMO, and I think I officially hate him. I’ll give you a list later, but for now let’s move on to the one-on-one.

The card comes in and everybody is sitting patiently waiting to see who the lucky or unlucky—RIP Lauren S—gal will be. It’s Sienne, which makes me excited because this date might actually have some substance. Arie comes in to pick her up and Bekah is quick to slide her sweater down to expose her tiny tank top hiding below. Did you notice that? Her tactics are so juvenile and so obvious and, sadly, are so working on his tiny pea brain.

The parasailing date was cool because it was so loud that we didn’t have to hear Arie speak for most of it. When they sat down to have the picnic, Sienne is trying so hard to elicit real conversation and Arie is like:

Can we all agree she is, like, way out of his league?

Ugh whatever. The dinner portion of the date is good and they get serenaded by some rando and she gets the rose. Nothing really else to say about this one.

Meanwhile, back at the house Maquel gets some bad news about her grandfather passing and I can’t help but think grandpa took one for the team to save Maquel from this horror. Sadly, I think I saw her in next week’s promo so she probably comes back. Should’ve run when you had the chance.

This group date follows suit of Arie’s weird fascination with putting the women in danger. I know the TV networks have gotten very lax with what they will allow but drinking pee, seriously? That’s low, even for the Bachelor.

So let me get this straight…the date is….split up into teams and try to have millennials use a map? LOL. The cruelty continues.

Krystal: These women are desperate for attention and are not secure in their relationships with Arie, They are threatened by me because I come off as flawless.

Also Krystal: Can I just have a quick moment of your time to remind you I’m not here to play games and I like you?

Probably the best moment of the episode comes when Arie has his arm around Krystal in the hot tub and Caroline and Tia are mimicking them. Krystal decides it’s in her best interest to pull them aside later to let them know she’s feeling attacked, at which point Tia tells her to STFU and keep their names out of her mouth. Krystal is flabbergasted by this and has NO idea what she has done wrong because she has NO idea how to behave in real life. Tia gives it to her straight, letting her know TBH everybody finds you annoying and it’s probably in your best interest to just stop speaking.

I think we all can agree we want to be friends with Caroline and Tia. I have NO idea why he let Caroline go, other than the fact that she’s clearly self-sufficient and smarter than he is. He seems keen on keeping people like Jenna and this season’s un-iced poptart, Lauren, around for a while.

Arie: Lauren, can I steal you?

Lauren: Uh, I guess.

I KNOW you all heard Lauren say to him, “So what are you looking for, besides someone with a flexible schedule?” Way way wait…THAT’S what you’ve communicated thus far? What exactly does that mean? Are you so busy showing houses in Scottsdale that you need somebody to be home to let the dog out? No, what I read into this is somebody without an actual career.

So let’s tackle this Bekah situation.

YES, we all know and while some have very strong opinions about the age-gap, I really couldn’t care less. So what if it looks like she’s making out with her dad! If that’s what she wants to do, it’s legal. My issue, however, is that at 22, Bekah possesses more intelligence, worldliness and zest for life than Arie does at 36. She has so much to give and deserves to be loved by somebody who is going to life her up and encourage her, not a potato. She has some growing up to do, sure, but I don’t think that means she isn’t ready for a real relationship. He asks her, “Are you ready to get married?” several times during their date and I think her response was really poignant. “How can you know if you’re ready to get married if you haven’t met the right person yet?” Arie’s response is, “But I need a wife.” Which leads me to my aforementioned list of things I hate about Arie:

       1. He calls them girls, not women. Sounds simple, but also kind of speaks to how he views           them.

       2. He cuts someone off at least once an episode to kiss them. Zero interest in what she was         saying.

       3. He has zero ability to console someone or seem remotely concerned when they are upset.

       4.  He is here to find a wife, regardless of who she is. He. Is. Not. Leaving. Without. A. Wife.

We lose Brittany and Caroline this episode, which makes about as much sense to me as Kendall’s stuffed bird. I’m finding myself wanting to cheat and read spoilers about this season because I really am more interested in who the next Bachelorette could be. I’ll give it another week.

Bachelor Arie: Week 3

Imagine middle school. Braces, acne, greasy hair that just couldn’t be conquered. Liking boys but not sure what you really do with one. Limbs that move independently from the rest of your body. Constant discomfort.

That’s what last night’s episode felt like, times ten.

Jaqueline: I’m very scared about this date because I’m not athletic at all.

                                                                              America:

We start off with a group date to a ladies wrestling competition and it’s clear that Arie has a weird fascination with women beating the shit out of each other. Of course Krystal shows up wearing navy blue and black and it’s like could I hate her ANY more? The women on this date get a crash-course in fake wrestling and the two instructors are real assholes. Bibiana and Tia are having none of it and sit off to the side while Bekah talks shit about them to Lauren. “It’s supposed to be fun, it’s acting. I don’t know why she’s crying.” I can’t wait for her to be bawling her eyes on in a few weeks because you know it’s coming.

How could they do this to her? LMAO

After some awkward and sexually-charged matches, the women are taken to a glamorous trailer park where they take turns meeting with Arie so he can tell them how sexy they looked in their costumes. Bekah takes this opportunity to tell him that he only dates women who make him feel manly and needed, which is a hundo percent true because he just finished telling Tia she should always come to him when he’s upset so he can make her feel better because, “I’m the guy.”

Arie: I just didn’t expect you to be so overwhelmed.

Tia: Well she pulled my hair, so.

Krystal is being interviewed nearby in a trailer and is acting like it’s week nine and she’s got this shit in the bag. This isn’t an HBO miniseries; you’ve got a while to go. Take several seats.

The most upsetting part of the date is how blatantly obvious ABC is being about using Bibiana for laughs. She is so serious about trying to find someone and it’s upsetting that they’re letting her continuously make a fool of herself. She has paradise written all over her.

Arie: Bekah, I have to give you this rose because you wore leather today.

Now Lauren S. is going on a wine tasting date and couldn’t decide if she wanted to wear her hair straight or curly so she decided to go with both. The date is very low-key and relies solely on conversation skills which is not Arie’s strong suit. Luckily for him, Lauren talks enough for both of them during the date. To be fair, all the girl has had all day is wine and it’s definitely a hundred degrees there so give her a break. Unfortunately, Lauren talks for about three hours straight and Arie has to cut her off by picking up the rose and waving it in her face.

Arie: I really wanted this for us but I can’t give you this rose because you’re freaking weird.

The women aren’t expecting anyone so the producer who comes in to get Lauren’s suitcase makes sure to slam the door…twice. Krystal, who is already acting like she’s won and is back next season giving advice, is irritating AF telling the girls to take advantage of the time they get because you don’t know when it’ll be gone. Watch out, Chris Harrison. She’s coming for your job.

The doggie date was probably cool but I couldn’t pay attention to any of it because there was a woman on stage with a lampshade on her head. Did you peep? They can afford a helicopter but not a lamp on this show?

So now Annaleise is afraid of dogs, too. The bumper cars could’ve been a coincidence but this has to be the work of the producers. You guys are mean. The slow motion dogs are too much for me! PLEASE tell me you all saw the rest of her story during the end credits? Dead.

After an amazing one-on-one with normal-spelling Becca, she and Arie reunite to have meaningful conversations about her yoga pants and make out in what looks like a closet. But it’s Mama Chelsea who gets the group date rose. Guess he has a thing for ponytails. And assholes.

I needed a cocktail by the time this rose ceremony came around and it only got worse. Annaleise tries to give him a drink as he entered the room in hopes that his vision will be blurry later when she tries to mount him. Poor Bibiana sets up an air mattress and a telescope in hopes of having some alone time and in a strange turn of events was the only person not to sit on it all night. Jenna decides her best course of action is straddling him in a floor-length gown which he is 100% here for. If I had any questions about what a sleaze he was before this, I’m certain now that he’s a trash monster.

Oh my GAWD this Annaleise situation is a car wreck that you just can't look away from. She makes him walk all the way up to the bell tower and the first words out of Arie’s mouth are, “You seem a little stressed out.” Her response?

Annaleise: You can totally kiss me if you want.

Arie: Hell no.

…and that was the end of Annaleise. Bibiana is the last on the chopping block, making three cuts this week. Next week, I need to see Chelsea, Krystal or Bekah get yelled at or I may have to stop watching. 

Bachelor Arie: Week 2

It’s week two and IMO this is when the season actually starts. Now we get to take a better look at the personalities, the outfits and the implants. If you watched this episode and say you remembered every single girl then you are a damn liar. Oh, you do? Then who is this?

So let’s recap what we learned last week: Arie has a thing for youngins, moms, boobs and cars. He’s just as nervous about being the Bachelor as America because TBH he really had no business being here and he knows it. He’s just enjoying himself while he can because the fact that he will go back to being irrelevant is inevitable.

This week, we’re doing two one-on-ones and one jumbo group date. Normal-spelling Becca gets the first date card and I’m excited because she was in my top five and seemed sort of normal. Becca climbs atop the rented his motorcycle and drives away happily while the women awkwardly stumble out of the house to watch. Most of them look pissed and Annaleise looks like she’s about to cry. Oh, boo boo, your week is about to get way worse.

Sienne, Krystal and Chelsea are sitting out back discussing the date and how cool it would be to get the first one-on-one and Krystal is all, “Motorcycles are dangerous, people have died.”

Oooookay, Krystal. Raise your hand if you think she actually would’ve turned down a date because of a motorcycle. Nobody? Didn’t think so.

So this date is…basically Arie watching Becca try on clothes and proving that he knows how to pronounce Louboutin. Here’s Rachel Zoe, because Arie couldn’t possibly be expected to go through a whole date and carry on a conversation on his own.

Becca: I get to keep all of this?

Arie: Well, I saw the shit you packed, so yeah.

Then, like the savage he is, Arie sends Becca back to the mansion to drop off her diamondz and get ready for the evening portion of their date. The hyenas women are waiting, and Bibiana’s head just about pops off when she’s sees the red bottoms of the shoes. Despite all the hype for this date, though, it ends up being a nice evening of conversation and flirting. Becca is beautiful in a natural way; gorgeous but just uncomfortable enough in those heels to be relatable and likable. Let’s hope that she doesn’t have the first one-on-one curse like so many before her.

Ugh, eye roll. Krystal gets the next date and since they spent all of the money on Becca, Krystal gets to watch home movies of Arie at his house. Then they go to meet Arie’s family (da fuq?) and Arie’s mom sits down on the couch RIGHT between them. “Take your patchouli and go.” Even his sister-in-law isn’t feeling it.

Later, they have a gag-worthy dinner where Krystal explains her rough childhood and how little family support she had. Arie is completely unsure of how to be a human so he just sort of nods and pats her on the leg.

Arie: I have one more surprise for you.

Krystal: What was the first surprise?

We know on this show that surprise either means d-list singer or fireworks. Which will we get?

Now the women find out that they are going on the largest group date in Bachelor history. I think only like three women stayed at home, which is a serious fuck you, even for ABC. Everyone comes downstairs in their jammies to hear the date card including Maquel who made sure to put on her choker with her jammies.

P.S. if you tell me Maquel isn’t Lauren B. and Corrine’s lovechild you’re wrong.

                                               

Oh, a date about cars? Profound.

Personally, I would’ve handled this date exactly as Brittany did. I would’ve tried to pray on the weak and beat the shit out of these women since there’s a good dozen of them that I already hate. Mad props to Brittany, who was the first girl in Bachelor history to get injured on a group date and choose NOT to show up to the after-party because she was having way more fun in her robe at home.

Most of you are probably expecting me to comment on Annaleise’s bumper car trauma, which I think we can all agree was funny and sad at the same time. Funnier was Arie trying so damn hard not to laugh in her face while she described her terror at being hit repeatedly with bumper cars as if it wasn’t the very basis of the activity. But the real winner of the date is Jenny whose 15 minutes of fame will be remembered as the girl who was savage AF on the date and cried because she was going to miss her new friends. #shewasheretomakefriends

Time for some cocktails and screaming. The most important part of the evening is the brawl between Bibiana and Krystal, but honorable mention goes to Kendall and her taxidermy because it’s just so funny and I am here for it. Arie definitely isn’t feeling it though, and you can almost see the color drain from his face as he simultaneously realizes that this chick is crazy and that the producers are gonna make him keep her around for a while.

 

Let’s get one thing straight, Bibiana is insane but she’s had a rough week. First the Louboutins, then she got no alone time on the group date and now Krazy Krystal is interrupting her. Somebody had to have paid Krystal to act this way, right? Word to the wise: nobody touch Bibiana, okay? Her patience has been trialed.

In the end, black Lauren, Valerie (ugly yellow dress from night one) and mean girl Jenny are sent packing. Jenny has never been broken up with in her entire 12 years of life and leaves without saying goodbye to Arie. I would’ve just let her go, because who cares, but Arie goes after her to explain.

Arie: Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

Jenny: I’m not crying over you. I just really miss Bibiana.

And with that, we’re ready for week three. Who will get more airtime, Krystal or Chelsea? My money is on Krystal because she’s the easy target right now. It’ll take a few more weeks for Chelsea to really piss people off. So much to look forward to!

P.S. I’m off Monday and Tuesday this week and I’ll be celebrating MLK day of service by watching LIVE on Monday and the blog can be up on Tuesday like old times. That was his dream, wasn’t it?

xoxo

Bachelor Arie: Premiere

Let me start by wishing you all a happy and healthy new year. Despite it being negative forty degrees, 2018 is off to a fabulous and promising start. Five, yes, FIVE of my good friends are getting married this year which makes me both very excited and very poor. I’m really feeling the love this year, so let’s keep the love train rolling and start dishing on the Bachelor premiere.

If you’ve made it to this blog post, then there’s a good chance you fall into one of two categories; you either are a die-hard Bachelor Nation fan or you’re a friend of mine who reads the blogs just because I write them and may catch an episode here and there to make sense of it all. Either way, 

So let’s blow past the part where they remind us of Arie’s heartbreak with Emily years ago. I remember this season well because I liked Emily so much until the very end. It was bad enough she picked Jef with one “F” but then she had to go and not read his journal. THE MAN KEPT A JOURNAL. You picked the skateboard. Take your veneers and go.

Sean and Catherine come to the mansion to…show us their baby? Cool. Yes, we know you were on the show and yes we know you’re still married and no, I’m not going to buy FabFitFun so stop asking.

Now let’s meet these ladies. ABC always selects a few women to showcase before the limo entrances; a little bit of sass, a little bit of diversity, a little bit of weird. This was no different.

First we meet Chelsea, who seemed sweet and nurturing in her interview, which we now know to be fake news. Next we meet Caroline the real estate agent from Florida who showed a family a home wearing a cutout bodycon dress paired with jade bead bracelets, both of which were bewildering choices. Marikh, the lost Kardashian sister, is gorgeous and owns a restaurant with her mom who also has brows on fleek. She’s not used to having to pursue anybody though, guys, so this should last until…eh…I’ll give her week four or five. Next up is Kendall the taxidermist, who immediately reminded me of Ashley S. from Ben’s season. #MesaVerdeForever

And then we meet Krystal. I had to give Krystal her own paragraph because I’m pretty sure my friend Tierney is gonna love this girl and I need to call attention to the fact that every season, I find somebody dreadfully irritating and Tierney’s kind soul finds them sweet and endearing. T – if you’re reading this, how do you feel about Krystal? Because I think her voice and her video package feeding the homeless—who were 100% Bachelor producers that they blurred out—was too much for me.

So now we’re at the Mansion where it has conveniently rained moments ago and the limos are arriving.

My favorite entrance award goes to Sienne who gave a set of Elephant cufflinks with the sweet tagline, “An elephant never forgets, so I hope you don’t forget to come find me inside.” She was classy and refined and probably will go unnoticed because her boobs weren’t out.

Then we meet 28 Laurens, Jenna the social media manager who most certainly popped a molly before getting out of the limo, and Bri who wasted no time throwing a softball at him. Bitch, his nose is already crooked! Manners!

And here comes Chelsea, who suddenly has a low, slow, raspy voice and a flare for the dramatic. “There’s a lot to know…” Um, that you have a kid? He’s been there, done that, got the tshirt as my friend Kathleen would say. If you have a long bob with an aggressive center part your Bachelor fate as a villain is sealed. There’s really no question that she sucks so let’s move on.

Out pops Annaliese the kissing bandit in a mask and bag of Hershey kisses that nobody ate. The only thing more disappointing was when Arie later took her mask off and she def was only really a 6.

Now we’re inside toasting while Arie gives his “I was once in your shoes” speech while the women emphatically nod remembering watching his season in diapers. Chelsea steals him away first and nobody bats an eyelash extension because nobody knows she’s evil just yet, but it doesn’t take long for her first tantrum when Maquel interrupts Chelsea’s time outside. She pretends to be gracious and mysteriously saunters away plotting Maquel’s death.

Maquel: So why did you decide to come back?

Arie: Well Peter was unavailable, so…

The night continues with some nice conversations (baby Bekah & Brittany, both using cars as props) and twice as many painful ones. We’ve got Jacqueline with the curly hair who promises not to ‘therapize’ him despite her profession being “researching coordinator,” Jessica who overused the “you-met-my-dad” argument, and who could forget Krystal and Arie’s intellectual conversation on the outdoor couch.

Arie: Enough about me, I want to know everything about you!

Krystal: I’m Elle Woods, and this is Bruiser Woods. We’re both Gemini vegetarians.

Eventually, Arie grabs the first impression rose and thank god because I’m ready for this episode to be over. He gives it to Chelsea and her beak and she’s real keen on spending the rest of the night bitching to everyone about Maquel. But it’s baby Bekah wastes no time running around spreading Chelsea’s complaints and now, in a matter of hours, everybody is giving mad side-eye to Chelsea. Nothing bonds people together like a common enemy but beware, Bekah. You’re no match for Chelsea.

Some women go home and I don’t remember any of their names so I’m sure you don’t either. All you need to know is that it was basically all the black women, the two reporters, the girl who has seen all the weiners, and the girl who made him smell her pits. Shocking. Also unsurprising is that the season preview shows the women giving Bekah shit for being a newborn and she proves them wrong by running to Arie and hysterically crying.

Which leads me to my confused attempt to name a top five. For the first time in a while I have, like, no clue. I feel like it needs to be three parts blonde and two parts brunette to have a chance at succeeding, but I like a lot more of the brunettes so here’s taking a swing in the dark:

Top 5: Caroline, Tia, Rebecca (NOT Baby Bekah), Jaqueline, Lauren S. I’m going to be honest that I have no idea and I only picked Lauren S. over Lauren B. because we can’t have another Lauren B. and Lauren S. said she liked Hamilton. So.

Until next time….

xoxo