Bachelor Nick: Week 7

Hello and Happy Valentine’s Day! What better way to commemorate the day of love than by dissecting the Bachelor and the Barnyard explosion that was last night. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotions for me, mostly because I got a spoiler text about the new Bachelorette in the middle of the group date. Of course, this made me think I knew the ending to this episode, but then Rachel didn’t get eliminated so I basically shit a brick. That was a bold move, ABC. Very bold.

Just to get the big Bachelorette announcement out of the way, I think it’s great and very smart that ABC is revealing the new Bachelorette early. If you’re a real fan, you realize that the entire season of Bachelor in Paradise has to air between now and Rachel’s season, so they need to generate some hype between now and then. They also know that every mouthbreather out there has a phone camera and her filming was about to get spoiled any second. I’m excited to watch it, mostly because it isn’t Vanessa.

Anyway, back to the island, where Nick has the women seriously cracked out about him possibly ending this season early. Nick is meandering the beach, sitting on overturned boats, whining. It’s all very sad, honestly. Not because Nick is sad, but because this is the kind of shit that takes us to 9:58pm with no rose ceremony. That and those untouched cinnamon buns on the table. That’s the saddest of all.

Wait, what? Nick decides he’s going to continue on this journey? Alert the town elders.

The ladies are sitting on the couch waiting for the date card and Corrine must already know she’s not getting it because her hair isn’t done, her makeup isn’t done, and her nails are painted yellow. Sure enough, Vanessa gets a date card that says something about getting deeper and now Corrine is really pissed because there was never a date card more perfectly suited for her platinum vagine.

Vanessa and her giant hoop earrings go swimming/snorkeling/I don’t care because I was so distracted by their awkward undersea kissing. Have these two every kissed on land? I worry for the success of their relationship when they run out of elements to submerge themselves in, especially when their meaningful conversations go like this:

Vanessa: When I got here, I had no walls up. Then I started to get walls. Now my walls are gone.

At dinner, my stank face continues as Vanessa professes her love to Nick, Nick chooses to not say I love you because he’s seen Ben H.’s season, and Vanessa gets real pouty, real quick. I couldn’t ever put my finger on what my issue was with her, but this episode I realized that she’s kind of childish. When she’s excited about things, she’s always yelling and spinning around and seems to have no control of her fine motor skills. If she doesn’t get her way, she pouts, goes silent, and probably holds her breath until somebody tells her to stop.

Now Corrine, Raven and Kristina are on a yacht date and Corrine is rightfully concerned because she hasn’t gotten a one-on-one all season. She uses her alone time to point this out to Nick, he doesn’t remotely care, they make out and then it’s over. Raven uses her alone time to share more about her family with Nick and doesn’t mention a single negative thing about anybody else, the process, Chris Harrison’s weird rolled up pants etc. Meanwhile, Kristina(‘s body) is getting all the attention from Nick and his sunscreen abilities.

Nick: I’m not really sure what to do, yanno?

Kristina: Well, you can’t have us all so you have to pick one. This isn’t Utah.

Raven gets the group date rose and Corrine is pretty much ready to launch herself off the boat and into the water. Instead, she consumes, like, a full pound of cheese and I realized in this moment that Corrine wasn’t so bad after all.

Danielle’s date feels off from the gate. I suppose that’s why the editors make the big bucks at ABC, though, because it’s all because of the sad music and awkward shots of them riding bikes. After a forced conversation about hometowns on a bench, Nick confesses in an interview they are struggling to make normal conversation. Well, yeah. You’re talking about meeting each other’s parents’ after your second date. So.

At dinner, we all know what’s coming and Danielle is sent home. It’s actually sad because Danielle is the nicest human any of us have ever met. Ok-I don’t know every human you’ve ever met, but I’m going to venture to say none of them were as nice as her. Then she has to go back to the house and has to share with the women what is happening and it felt so genuine and sad. “I have to leave right now before I totally lose it.” No car confessional needed! I hope she isn’t on paradise and actually finds somebody because she deserves it.

Fresh off the heels of the little angel’s departure, Corrine decides the best course of action is to take her Louboutins and traipse through the sand to Nick’s room to cheer him up with a little handy j. It takes her close to a decade to get over there, though, because she only learned to walk earlier today it would seem. Anyway, it doesn’t matter because Nick has learned his lesson and does not allow himself to get too far along before sending Corrine away. She’s embarrassed, understandably, as she has now learned she cannot stroke her way to the final rose.

NOW at this point in the episode, I’ve already received the spoiler text from my good friend Kathleen. I already KNOW Rachel doesn’t win, so I’m kind of tuning her date out (dat skirt, doe!).  I did catch something about her never bringing a white guy home before, so that should be fun when she’s dating 20 of them next season. Also I’ve had poops that lasted longer than this date.

What will Raquel wear???

Nick, who will apparently do anything in his power to avoid rose ceremonies being seen on TV, comes to the house to send Kristina home, and everybody is trying so hard not to smile. Corrine’s blood pressure is probably sky-high at this point because she knows Raquel is about to get some airtime. But before we celebrate seeing Corrine’s family home, we have to mourn the loss of Kristina.

It’s obvious that Nick is sensitive and hates confrontation. He knows how much it hurts to make it this far and be sent home, so he decides to send Kristina packing before meeting her 500 family members. I think she handled it well, although I would not want to see what she looks like really pissed off. Nick cries, again, and tells her how great she is. Just what every girl wants to hear when being dumped! Kristina leaves, but I kind of can’t wait to see her at the Women Tell All. She’s grown on me.

And now we move on to hometown week. Will Rachel’s dad approve of a white guy? Will Raven’s date include shooting guns? Can we assume Vanessa will take Nick to her classroom and make Italian food with her family? Will Raquel get a rose?

It all happens next week, on the Bachelor <3

Bachelor Nick: Week 6

Welcome back, rose lovers. I need to address my complete disregard for the blog these last few weeks real quick. I hadn’t been watching the Bachelor on time on Mondays because I was hanging out with a boy and he happened to only really be free on Mondays. He also happened to end up really hurting my feelings and ghosting me after a month so there’s that. Anyway, what do we learn from this situation? We don’t give up the Bachelor for boys. It never ends well.

Anyway, I am back and better than ever. Let’s dive right back into the hot mess express, shall we?

So things don’t end well for Taylor or her frizzy ponytail. She tries to throw Corrine under the bus desperately but to no avail.

Taylor: She’s fake and everybody hates her!

Nick: You don’t even go here.

Anyway, Taylor leaves (for real this time) and Corrine and Nick make out in a corner. I'm super confused about the season because Nick is in a thermal sweater and Taylor is in jean shorts.

There’s a rose ceremony and Jaimi, Josephine and Alexis are all sent packing. Alexis better be on Paradise, that’s all I have to say about that. She might be able to see a dolphin, you guys. The Bachelor makes dreams come true.

This group date is a hot.damn.mess. Why is Vanessa screaming through, like, this whole episode? I’m wondering if somebody put something in the rum punch because everybody seems beyond drunk. They’re yelling, they’re crying, they’re napping, they’re pushing each other. It’s like kindergarten!

Watching Jasmine is like watching a social experiment about someone who has never been let out of their house before. She spends the whole episode bitching about getting alone time with Nick, only to waste her alone time with Nick bitching about how long it took to get it. Oh, and let’s not forget the time she threatened to choke him. But it was okay because it was in a sexual way, right?

Anyway, she has to go because she’s obviously about to kill somebody with a coconut. I think Raven gets the group rose but honestly who cares because ANOTHER 2-ON-1 is afoot! I know we’ve all been wondering who Whitney is (besides a distant relative of Karlie Kloss, yes?) including Nick, who brings her on the date with Danielle to finally be able to tell them apart. We all expected Whitney to go, but I wasn’t expecting her to get a little saucy.

Nick: I don’t think you’re the one for me.

Whitney: And you think Danielle is?

Nick: It’s DLO! Gosh, Whitney. You are so STUPID!

Anyway, Whitney is left on the beach alone while Nick and Danielle fly away in a helicopter to…a….jail? I guess I should’ve seen the signs. I have to give Nick some credit because sending Danielle home in this way must’ve been mega awkward when he could’ve just done it at the rose ceremony the next week (less confrontation) but he legitimately couldn’t have been more bored by her. It was written all over his face. I didn’t want to be right about her but sadly, an un-iced poptart is easy to spot.

Cya

I want to be that producer who wheels away the bags. Just once. What an exciting job!

Now we’re left to face the reality that Nick sent 3 women home before the rose ceremony and the women are freaking out. So are the producers, because we need to make this shit last another 4 weeks, y’all. Stop sending everybody home.

He comes to the hotel to basically tell the women none of them are exciting enough to keep his attention and he might just bail. He leaves, and exactly zero of them go after him. So, maybe he’s right lol.

P.S. I completely forgot about Kristina's date. It was sweet and I enjoyed listening to her story. I just probably forgot because it's too little too late for her I think. 

Bachelor Nick: Week 5

Raise your hand if you have ever felt personally victimized by ABC.

All of your hands should be raised. Let’s start a petition for the ban of the “to be continued” sign as well as a petition to never, ever, EVER let somebody like Taylor back on this show. She gives those of us with mental health degrees a bad rap and made Corrine look moderately reasonable so she’s got to go.

But more on that later.

At the rose ceremony, adorable Sarah gets the boot and I have to say I think ABC is picking off girls one by one based on my hair envy. Now Danielle is the only one left with a long bob and that makes me nervous for her time left. Also, Astrid is sent packing and exactly zero people were affected, including Astrid.

Off to New Orleans!

Jami is real excited because New Orleans is her hometown and she can’t wait to be in her element and get some alone time with Nick. ABC spliced this little nugget of info with the one-on-one date card arriving at the hotel for…Rachel. LOL. Sorry, Jami. I think you probably peaked at the cow milking.

Nick: These are my favorite kind of dates, yanno? Just chill days, wandering around a city, taking in the sights, spending ABCs money, relaxing…

ABC: CUE PARADE!

This date is refreshingly normal and fun to watch, even that weird part where they went into the tiny concert. What I like most about Rachel is that she is exactly the same with Nick as she is with everybody else. Rachel is nice to Corrine and gets away with it. Rachel shows extreme side boob and gets away with it. Rachel is a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal, American girl (thumbs up if you get the reference) and has absolutely no business on this abysmal television program.

Later, at dinner, Nick and Rachel are skipping right to hometowns, did ya peep? He basically asked what he could call her dad when he becomes his father-in-law, so that wasn’t subtle at all. Not to call out the smoke and mirrors, but ABC is smart and knows what they can and can’t show without giving too much of the ending away, so I’m going to go ahead and say that Rachel isn’t the winner because it’s starting to remind me of the time Bachelorette Des told Chris Harrison she was in love with Brooks right before he left her ass on that pier in the Caribbean. They are maybe showing us too much and it makes me wonder.

This creepy mansion date is fabulous and I am living for it! Combine that with the sassy cocktail man named Boo and we have ourselves a recipe for a great evening, people. But just to be clear, there’s a little girl named May who died in the house and the group date is…to find her ghost?

K, cool.

So the ladies take turns wandering through the house as producers knock shit over and scare the crap out of them. Vanessa and Danielle are really taking this seriously and trying to communicate with a ghost via a small tea candle from Pier 1 Imports. Jasmine moves that doll even though they all told her not to. Clearly, she’s never seen Pan’s Labyrinth. It ends up being a pretty fun date to watch because the girls are actually nice to each other and kind of friends. But, in a strange turn of events, May does not get the group date rose.

The 2-on-1 date is the equivalent of Bachelor Gladiator. Taylor vs. Corrine seems like it had the potential to be an exciting but it didn’t hold a candle to the badlands date of yesteryear. Aside from the part where Corrine got the voodoo doll and was sticking pins in it, it was a pretty boring date. Taylor didn’t try at all with her outfit or hair and ended up looking like she was getting dropped off at summer camp.

The important part of this date is that Taylor gets the boot. She’s not satisfied with this because Corrine and Nick have a relationship is built on whipped cream and LIES! She tries to bust in on their awkward dinner and fails miserably, again.

What do you know…to be continued. 

Bachelor Nick: Week 4

It’s week four and that means we’re halfway through the season. Hard to believe, right? Especially because we really haven’t done anything besides hate Corrine as a nation. Nevertheless, the smell of cows and nature is abound, so let’s get this show on the road!

Spoiler alert: turns out the bouncy castle sitch didn’t go over so well for Nick and now a little harmless straddling has the house up in arms. Basically everyone is hanging out of windows and over balconies like the opening sequence of Beauty and the Beast talking shit about Belle, only this time Belle has some gnarly hair extensions and naps a lot.

Vanessa: Are you looking for a woman or a girl? Are you looking for someone to fuck around with or someone to marry? Are you looking for a woman or a dolphin?! BE MORE SPECIFIC!

These girls has exactly zero minutes to get ready before the rose ceremony. Half of them show up with chlorinated hair and might very well still be wearing their bathing suits under their dresses.

This rose ceremony is trash. I loved tuning in each week to see the new levels of teasing Christen’s hair could achieve. Now what will I do?

Wait, I’m sorry. What is Josephine still doing here?

The next day, Chris Harrison comes in to deliver one half of his lines for the episode and lets the women know that Spirit Air was running a good deal so they are heading to Milwaukee! 

Upon arriving, Danielle gets the one-on-one and proceeds to laugh annoyingly through the entire thing. I can already see the remixes of her laugh, can’t you? This date sucks, besides the bakery part. Also, let’s definitely sit on this hill and point out all the places I used to make out with other ladies. #reasonswhyhessingle

Later, they look at food on a table and then walk in on a concert. She gets the rose because duh. Everybody who gets a concert date gets the rose. That’s just the rules of feminism.

This cow group date is really something. It’s also pretty boring, but we do take away some important tidbits. We now know that the lesbian is the only one who can milk a cow, shoveling is apparently a serious medical condition, and Vanessa had a Snapfish coupon to use before she came on the show so she used it to make a book about…herself.

Just when I thought this episode was going to be the most boring in Bachelor history, here comes my girl Raven to save the day. Only this one-on-one is between Raven and Bella who sit and discuss life and stare longingly into each other’s eyes while Nick—who apparently went to the Olympics for roller skating—is doing laps elsewhere.

Later, Raven finally gets into the time she walked in on her boyfriend cheating on her. It’s something right out of an episode of Cops, chock full of breaking down doors, assault and battery and a mother who encouraged the whole thing. Strangely, Raven is kind of cute while she’s telling the story, said vagina on national television, and might’ve scared Nick into giving her the rose. For these reasons, Raven is the winner of the episode.

Now it’s time for the cocktail party and we find Taylor and Corrine at odds again. For the record, this is the opposite of what a conversation between two self-aware adults looks like. Corrine has never been wrong in her life and Taylor is too busy carrying around her master’s degree to notice that Corrine hasn’t said a word to her all season. This argument sounds like two children imitating their parents.

Also, this is getting REAL OLD.