Bachelor Ben: Hometowns!

Awww man it’s hometown week! Secondly only to the fantasy suite, this is the most awkward episode of the season. Guaranteed to have weird parents, awkward conversations and unrealistic mansions that apparently everybody lives in.

We start with Amanda and her daughters and Ben and his capris, which was actually a really adorable moment. They are both super cute little gals and when the older one asked, “Where’s Ben?” I melted a little. He did so well with them playing on the beach and Amanda was like, “Thank god. If this works out I can finally go get a pedicure.”

Amanda’s family was ready to fire the hard questions at Ben, all of which he answered wonderfully. In the end, though, I think we all knew that compared to fun-loving Lauren, sassy JoJo and bat-shit-crazy Caila, Amanda is just in a different place in her life and Ben isn’t ready. My heart breaks a little knowing he will never say my name again (until the Women Tell All!).

Next up to Portland, where Ben and Lauren have a good time wandering the streets and meandering through the shopping district.

Lauren: “Here are the food trucks. I want to try, like, a bunch of them. Did you bring the company card?”

They also go to something called a whiskey library which Lauren refers to as “romantic” and I couldn’t disagree more. The word whiskey reminds me of line dancing and the word library reminds me of a nap. She also said “lie-bare-ey” so I have to go now before I punch something.

Lauren’s family calls her Lo Lo which is endearing and sweet. I seriously think she was the only one with a normal family experience for Ben, which again isn’t exciting because we all know he loves her. Ben’s sister, who is a scary scary little troll, takes him aside to grill him about why Lauren is special. Ben’s answer? Full-on man tears. The sister didn’t really know what to say or do, so they just smiled and went back to the dinner table.

Lauren’s Dad: So how many women did you meet through this process?

Ben: 28. Well, there was that one waitress in Mexico, but that was only the one night.

Before he left in his uber XL, Lauren and Ben chat a little and it is becoming clear to me that she and Caila must be sharing a room because homegirl is making less and less sense as the weeks go on. I guess love with do that to ya.

Onto crazy Caila’s hometown in…I actually don’t know where because I was up getting a snack. This was a great setup for a hometown. Oh, my dad is conveniently the CEO of this toy factory and we are going to go build a house together! Ben is obviously sexually attracted to Caila. Every chance he gets he is mentioning how she’s a sex panther. We get it, dude. She’s got a one way ticket to the fantasy suite.

Oh my god Caila’s dad looks like a doll. Her mom is adorable and has a whole Filipino meal prepared, which means she’s never seen this show before because nobody ate anything. Immediately, Mom and Ben go to have a serious chat which was nice and all but meanwhile Caila is losing more marbles on the couch talking to her dad.

Caila: “I know this is it, Daddy. He’s the one. Am I crazy for thinking that?”

Caila’s dad: (In the voice of Tim Gunn) “Darling! There’s no rulebook for love!”

This whole sequence reminded me of the little mermaid.

Then Ben and dad go to have a chat and Caila is freaking out on the couch to her mom. It’s like all the feels came at once. She asks her mom if she thinks Ben loves her. Like, what is your mom supposed to say? Of course her mom is like, “Yeah, he totes does!” because genetics and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Now Caila is convinced she needs to tell Ben she loves him so she sweetly walks him to the car, kisses him and….does absolutely nothing.

Cool.

I am so sad about JoJo’s date because just when she was finally opening up to Ben, the producers had to go and throw a wrench in the plan by getting the ex involved.

JoJo: I can’t believe he did this! I can’t believe he sent roses to the house!

Ben: Totes. But, like, can I borrow three of those tomorrow? We’re running low on funds after the McDonald’s commercial so…

Luckily they got over it and went to JoJo’s MANSION for dinner and, there waiting in the kitchen, were the two pitbull brothers. The dad was clearly trying to stay out of the conversation and camera frame as much as possible. Mom on the other hand was drinking wine DIRECTLY FROM THE BOTTLE.

JoJo’s mom for president.

I understand the brothers’ concerns, but they wanted Ben to say things that he just couldn’t. You know he can’t say he loves her. You know he can’t say who he’s picking. Asking him to do that is just setting him up for failure. And a fail it totally was.

While Ben Bin is getting grilled by the brothers, JoJo and her tipsy mom are having a heart-to-heart on the couch.

JoJo’s mom: It’s totally going to work out. It’s going to be great.

JoJo: Mom, there’s still three other girls left.

JoJo’s mom: Oh.

Well, this was fun. Everybody is uncomfortable, including me, so it’s time to go.

Rose ceremony time! In the end, Ben really wanted to see JoJo naked didn’t see a future with Amanda so he let her go. She was nice about it, but basically said, “I was already home with my kids. Why did you make me come back and stand here like an idiot?” It was essentially the same message conveyed by Becca, just nicer. He apologized, and Amanda left like the precious angel she is.

Next week, the fantasy suite cards arrive and I will gladly mouth the entire date card along with the reader as I always do. Sadly, I will be away for work so it will probably be just as late as this week’s blog. Sorry in advance!

Bachelor Ben: Week 7

Okay, so, not gonna lie…I totally didn’t watch the Bach until FRIDAY last week. What kind of sick monster am I, right? But seriously, I had to catch the Grammy’s and watch my girl Taylor slay the stage (although she looked like a walking ad for Dunkin Donuts in that getup). Anyway, my b. I’m here now. Let’s do this.

The week before hometowns is crucial in figuring out what kind of season we are going to end up with. If there’s still a villain around for hometowns, the season is pretty much doomed because that means she probs ends up the winner (see also Vienna and Courtney). But, since the villain(s) are long gone at this point, we can assume that Ben’s season will end on a little bit more of a high note. He seems to genuinely care for his remaining ladies, so the big drama will probably come when he has to pick who he loves more at the end. What a tough life; in love with two perfectly-symmetrical and sunshine-y ladies and get to CHOOSE which one you like better. Sign me up.

But, like, not for the ladies part.

Last season, in an obvious attempt to divert the paparazzi from spoiling the finale, the Bachelor had the parents meet farmer Chris NOT in Iowa and instead at a weird remote location. This week, we’re going to Warsaw so Ben can show off his hometown, but maybe that means we won’t be back for the meet-the-parents episode.  Anyway, Ben has a cute little hometown he wants to show off, so he goes to meet his parents in a crowded restaurant to describe the ladies one by one.

Ben: “Amanda is a shockingly beautiful mom, Caila is just regular beautiful, Emily is a twin. Oh, and none of these women have any interests or professions. They’re just pretty or have children.”

Ben goes to the house and invites Lauren B. out on a date in front of all the other women, which wasn’t awkward at all. Lauren B., who I guess we can just start calling Lauren now, runs upstairs to get “ready” for her date that she was pretty much already “ready” for. They leave and the women sit and discuss how awkward it was for him to ask her out in front of them, because they had no idea he was dating other women during this process.

I sort of got bored and distracted during the date to the community center, but Ben working with kids was obviously super cute and that one pissed off kid was the best part.  At this point, we know he and Lauren have a solid relationship so I kind of don’t care what happens with them because we all know she’s a shoe-in for the finale. I’m glad they had fun, but let’s move on.

Ben takes JoJo to Chicago (which shows how much there was to do in his hometown) and they play baseball at Wrigley Field. JoJo calls him “Bin” which is kind of cute except that it’s not. There’s ominous thunder occurring throughout and although they had a great talk at dinner about why JoJo is so scared, I just see it being too little too late (you see what I did there?). But, for realz, she wore a sweater on her date instead of a bodycon dress so, 4 for you, Glen Coco.

Who knew there could be so many awkward dates in one season? I thought the aqua pigs date was bad but this kite-flying situation is painful. Nobody is having fun on this date. Nobody. Becca uses this opportunity to tell Ben she is uncomfortable and slightly unhappy but likes him anyway. It has become abundantly clear that Ben isn’t sure how to take Becca these last few weeks because ever since the Bahamas she’s been using her time with him to whine. You should just be making out with him. Follow Caila’s lead!

Speaking of Caila, she takes her ten minutes with Ben to talk about how she’s moss and doesn’t answer any of his questions about her 5-year plan and basically doesn’t actually say anything at all and confuses America even further. And yet Ben is all googly-eyed so whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.

Amanda is the only one who has a real conversation with him and wins herself the date rose which everyone is pissed about until they find out that…wait…the winner gets to work at McDonald’s for the day. As somebody who used to work at McDonald’s, it is not that glamorous. And she didn’t even get to be in the commercial that ABC keeps showing. LAME DATE, BRO.

Then Ben chooses EMILY to go on the meet-my-folks date and it goes about as well as anybody could’ve imagined. After all, she talked about being average and liking ducks and made Ben’s mom cry. I’m not sure how much more I need to say about this. They pull up to the rental home on a boat (classy) and Ben sits Emily down to let her know what it is while JoJo and Becca peer out the window awkwardly. They can’t tell if she’s happy or sad until she comes back into the house and full on Kim K ugly cries. Sorry, E. Take a duck for the road.

The rose ceremony was painful to watch because everybody knew Becca was donezo and if you didn’t shame on you. Ben blindsided Becca and she used her final 3 minutes to reprimand him for this because she totes asked him not to do that. He was like, “Sorry, this is my show and I’ll do what I want.” It’s okay, Becca. We like you better on snapchat anyway (@beccatilley)

Until hometowns…

Bachelor Ben: Week 6

I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but this season is finally getting good. Last night was one of those episodes that elicited all the feels. I laughed, I was sad, I was mortified and I was shocked all at the same time. Thank you, ABC, for reminding me of what high school felt like.

I don’t think anyone actually thought Olivia was getting her rose taken away at the opening rose ceremony, but if you did shame on you for being so green. Ben takes her aside to get to the bottom of this scandal; is she the wicked witch everyone says she is?

Ben: It was brought to my attention that you are showing me a different side than how you are with the girls.

Olivia: They all like to paint their nails and do each other’s hair. I like to read and talk about smart things. Like my cankles.

As I look back on it now, I’m thinking it was just a ploy by the producers to add drama and that he definitely wasn’t going to get rid of her riiiight before he had the chance to sequester her on Gilligan’s Island during a 2-on-1! So much cooler than sending her home before a rose ceremony. That is so last week (Hey Jubes!).

Anyway, Jennifer and her hair clip get the boot and it really sucks because I liked her and am bummed she didn’t get a lot of airtime. Maybe we’ll see you on Paradise, girl.

Time to go to the Bahamas and for things to get exponentially weird! First up, we have Caila getting the one-on-one which we didn’t see much of because Leah was having the first of many breakdowns  back at the hotel.

Leah: Leah is just as cute as Caila. Leah is just as smart as Caila. People totally like Leah just as much as they like Caila. We should totally just stab CAILA!

Eventually, Caila and Ben are having dinner and talking about whether or not Caila loves Ben. Caila is slightly taken back by this, mostly because they’ve known each other for 5 weeks. Ben wants her to be vulnerable, and Caila asks how she is supposed to be vulnerable on the spot. That’s not really how vulnerability works, tbh. She tells him she thinks she loves him, but doesn’t want to hurt him. Most people would be pretty cool with that response week 5, but not Ben because he clearly is feeeeeling our girl Caila and was hoping she was going to be able to validate his feelings through her own. Through some strange twist of fate, Ben is able to understand Caila and give her the rose. Good, because we didn’t know wtf homegirl was saying through most of it.

This group date card is unlike any other because it determines who is going on the 2-on-1 date of death. Sighs of relief pour out of the women as their names are called and we find that Emily and Olivia are the chosen gladiators fighting to the death on the next date. That’s gonna be hella awkward, right?

Not nearly as awkward as swimming with aqua pigs! I found the whole pig scenario to be kind of hilarious and watching the women, Becca in particular, miserably flee from them in the water majorly entertaining. Once that excitement had ended, though, Ben took Lauren B. aside and it became an icy beach—quick. The disheveled women watched, side-eyed, as Ben and Lauren B. talked and joked in the water in plain sight of the rest. Leah in particular is struggling with this and decides it’s in her best interest to give Ben the cold shoulder when he tries to talk to her later. He begs her to just try to enjoy the day because he’s def sending her home later and he doesn’t want it to be awkward in the meantime is a nice guy. She obliges, mascara everywhere, and shuffles away to concoct a busted plan to get Ben’s attention.

At the after party, the thunder is bumpin’ and all these ladies are feeling like it’s now or never to express their inner turmoil. First up is Becca in her black leather skirt who confesses that it sucks to watch him love on Lauren B. so much but it does show her that she actually cares a lot about him. Ben is annoyed by this, I can tell, because he’s basically asking Becca what his response should be to that statement. The robot doesn’t know, so they just make out instead. Next up is Leah, who decides her best option is to tell Ben that Lauren B. isn’t who he thinks she is. This would’ve been an amazing plot twist if, in fact, Lauren B. was actually a fraud. She’s not, though, and I think Ben knows this. Ironically, while this is all happening, Lauren B. comes in to steal Ben away and Leah gets up, tail between her legs, and runs away.

Now Ben is telling Lauren B. that somebody blew up her spot and she is calm about it at first before losing it a little bit. Her hair is getting frizzier by the minutes as she sobs into Amanda’s arms, telling the rest of the women about what he said. Unusually, the women all come to her aid to tell her she’s great and whoever did that is a huge hooker. They eventually figure out that it was Leah and before they even get the chance to confront her, Leah is sneaking over to Ben’s house to attempt a Netflix and Chill sesh.

But Ben is having none of it and sees right through this ploy for attention. He’s gotten good at it by now with the whole Jubes situation. Leah is trying to tell him that she knows they could be something between them. Ben is not convinced.

Ben: Do you really feel something here? Like does this feel right to you?

Leah: Totes.

Ben: LOL k.

Grab your snacks, ladies and gentlemen. It’s time for the main event! Emily and Olivia are off to the 2-on-1 date which was, like, seven minutes, right? It felt so quick. There wasn’t even an activity planned LOL. It was like drive boat to this island, sit down on this blanket, send girl home. Both of Ben’s quick one-on-one chats were awkward and a little annoying. Olivia tells Ben that she’s really intellectual and deep and he nods questionably. The whole time she was talking I felt like she was trying so hard to sound polite and delicate with the things she was saying but it STILL came off as fake and contrived. She says she’s learned a lot about herself during this experience which sounds intellectual and good until Ben asked her exactly what she had learned. She doesn’t know because—shocking!—she hasn’t learned anything ever. She stumbles to find the words and then, POOF! “I love you!” Yikes.

Emily uses her time to show off her best Cousin It impression while speaking a mile a minute about all the things she wants to do with Ben like try green beans for the first time.

P.S. Just turn around and the wind won’t be an issue.

In the end, Ben pulls Olivia aside to tell her he’s not feeling it and all the while she is smiling and nodding because I don’t think she actually knew what he was saying. She didn’t throw a fit because the cameras were on her, but she sure did let out the tears. Even I felt bad that the girl as she stood in on the island as the cameras circled her dramatically. She’s probably still standing there now waiting for somebody to come pick her up.

Lauren H. went home at the rose ceremony and zero people were affected.

The preview for the rest of the season looks good. We’ve gotten rid of all of our villains this year so it’s time for the lovey part to begin. It seems that Ben is conflicted at the end between his final two ladies and has to call his mom to talk about it. I’m really fighting the urge to cheat this season and read spoilers about how it all plays out, but I’m trying to stay strong! Only a few weeks left. I think I can, I think I can....

Bachelor Ben: Week 5

I went to Mexico for Spring Break once with my sorority sisters. While I was there, some pretty crazy stuff happened. On our first venture downtown, the bartender offered us free shots to come into his establishment and dance on the bar. We of course obliged. A few hours later, we stumbled out to catch the bus, all the while being chased by the owner who was yelling at us to pay the very large “bill” we had racked up.  Sorry, sir. Free is free. Another night after dinner and drinks, a local man was playing his guitar for tips on the bus home. He asked me if I would like him to play me a song. About a yard deep into a strawberry daiquiri, I asked him if he wanted me to play him a song. I played Taylor Swift’s Love Story and the bus sang along on the way back to the hotel. And then there was the time my friend ended up on stage naked for a contest. On our last day, one of my friends ended up in the hospital and the rest of us slept on the hospital floor because they wouldn’t let us into her room. We almost missed our non-refundable flight home to the states. It was a great time.

That is what should be happening in Mexico. This episode was not.

We start with a date card that goes to Amanda, and literally everyone is thrilled because it didn’t go to Olivia. I don’t remember what the date card said because I was too busy staring at Caila and her perfect hair. She is a tiny adorable doll and I hope she stays around forever. Usually, the date would be later that day, but nobody rushes off to get ready because it’s happening tomorrow.

JK it’s happening right now, ladies. Hope you slept in your ball gowns.

Lauren H. and her retainer are the best part of this scene. Her hair is so damn voluminous at all times! Get me whatever mousse that gal is using. She’s so embarrassed about how she looks and the other girls rustle around for their hair ties and bb creams for the ten minutes Ben is in the suite while Amanda gets ready.  This is why I would be so bad at this show. I would’ve rolled right over and gone back to sleep. I’m nowhere near as charming in the morning as other Amanda, who woke up like the opening sequence of Grease where cartoon Sandy gets woken up by forest animals.

P.S. I know you all watched that shit. Did you love it or hate it? I thought it was pretty great, despite them overlooking me for the role of Sandy.

Ben takes Amanda to get in a hot air balloon to see the ancient ruins. He tells her all the facts that the producers had him practice on the way there and the two of them ooh and ahh incessantly at the beauty of the landscape. This is a sweet date except that the exact same date happened on Farmer Chris’ season with Britt where she slept in a full face of makeup and then sobbed about her fear of heights before quickly jumping into the balloon and sailing away. It just didn’t have the same wow factor this time because Amanda is seemingly normal.

Back at the house, Lauren H. is having a—wait for it—casual chat with Olivia. WHY, LAUREN? Why would you do that to yourself? It’s the kiss of death. They are discussing whether or not they believe Ben is ready to take on a woman with two children, which is ridiculous because all you know about Ben is what the inside of his mouth tastes like. Olivia is shaking her head dramatically “NO” and Lauren is agreeing. Do you people watch this show? LITERALLY STOP TALKING ABOUT THE MOM. But we all know it gets worse from here.

Back on the date, Amanda is spilling her guts to Ben about her ex and his adulterous ways. Add it to the list from earlier this season: If JoJo AND Amanda are getting cheated on, there’s no hope for us peasants. Ben is really sweet about this (obviously) and he essentially tells her he is not worthy of her mom-ness.

The group date is a Spanish lesson and a cooking competition, which both sound horrific to me. The producers had to know by this point in filming that all of their prospects for crazy were dwindling so they shoved all the moderately interesting and unstable women onto this date. Olivia and Jubilee are the only ones left who provide any kind of discomfort for the viewers, so of course they are both invited. And then there’s Emily, who literally hates Olivia so much she had to phone a friend later in the episode to talk about it.

They learn how to say some Spanish phrases and then have to take turns getting up and saying them to Ben. In front of each other. To make matters worse, Olivia is good at Spanish and is confident she’s winning his heart with her tongue rolls. Jubilee may have been fluent in Spanish for all we know, but we don’t get the chance to hear her skills because she is refusing to participate in this exercise, like, at all. Everyone is uncomfortable and not just because of those horrible metal desks. She flat out denies Ben when he tells her he loves her in Spanish. I think maybe she was trying to be cute. I think maybe she was trying to be funny and prove a point. I think she dug her own grave in that moment.

Now it’s time for the cooking competition. I love that JoJo and Becca are partners again after their wild success with the map of the United States on the last group date challenge. At least you guys are pretty. And I also love that Becca was wearing her hair in a half-up top knot and so was I while watching. Here is the proof.

Poor Lauren B. gets stuck with Jubilee as a partner and that totally sucks because Jubes is clearly the biggest brat of life. They end up having the best dish at the competition, but that doesn’t stop the mayhem later at the after party. For all of you who were Team Jubilee:

Ben isn’t even done lying to everyone about how fun today was before Olivia steals him away to chat first. Right, bitch. Because you didn’t just have, like, the entire day with him at the competition. They talk about absolutely nothing and Jubilee sinks lower and lower into the couch as Ben steals woman after woman away to chat. She comments on him holding everybody’s hand and how she feels like she’s competing with everyone to steal a glance from him. Well, yeah, that’s exactly what is happening. You actually volunteered for this, did you know?

Eventually, Ben comes to get Jubes and tries to hold her hand to lead her away from the group. Jubilee says no, later claiming that it would’ve been awkward to do that in front of everybody else. Actually, it’s awkward that Jennifer is wearing pink rock earrings. What you just did was rude.

On a park bench somewhere away from the group, Jubilee is throwing herself another pity party but this time Ben is not having it and shuts it down like Olivia Pope. She’s trying desperately to make herself seem less than the other women, referring to them collectively as “the Beccas” and “the JoJos” and “The Lauren B.’s” in a painfully desperate attempt to force Ben to say, “No, you’re great! You’re perfect. I love you!” He doesn’t, though, and in fact tells her flat out that she’s a huge brat and he hates her weave and she should leave. Or something like that.

Real talk: Recently, I had started talking to somebody who was a self-proclaimed awkward guy. It was rarely an issue because he wasn’t shy and when things were light and fun it was easy. But as soon as there was a little bit of conflict, he shut down completely, blaming it on being awkward. It was so hard because all I wanted was for him to be able to say, “Yes, I like you. I have a hard time saying it, but I do.” He couldn’t, though, and ultimately let the fear of saying how he actually felt stop him from saying anything at all. That’s kind of how this situation played out with Jubilee. They obviously had chemistry, but she got in her own way and blamed it on being awkward. If she could’ve just mustered up the confidence to tell him how she was feeling, instead of constantly reminding him that she was complicated and ruminating about being awkward, maybe things would’ve gone differently for them. I think that’s why I always felt so annoyed by her; being awkward is irrelevant. You have to be willing to feel vulnerable in the moment and take the risk.

The most disappointing part was that she didn’t throw anything or smash any glasses on her way out. It was a  l o o o o o o n g walk out, right? Several minutes of sniffling through the hallway to eventually find the car waiting for her. I’m not sad to see you go, Jubes, but I do hope you learned something about yourself watching this back on TV.

Lauren H. gets the last date of the week and I think everyone watching was a little confused. She appears to be sweet enough but she seems more like the girl you see in the bloopers than the girl you see at hometowns. We don’t really know anything about her at this point except that she teaches kindergarten and she sleeps with a retainer.

Ben takes her to walk in a fashion show and of course he is beautiful and perfect and stunning while he werked that runway (albeit in that fugly top). Lauren seems to have a good time and doesn’t fall, which I think we were all hoping for. At dinner, Lauren decides that the best way to lead into their first date is to talk about the girl Ben just dumped a few hours ago. It was risky, but it worked. They end up having a great conversation about how Lauren was cheated on before (add another tick to the tally) and that helped her become the strong and happy person she is today. Ben seemed to let her out of the friend zone slightly, but I’m still not convinced that she will be around much longer.

The cocktail parties have become very formulaic at this point. Olivia steals Ben away first, the women are mad and talk about her behind her back, everyone feels awkward and pissed when she eventually gets a rose anyway and we go to commercial. This time, Olivia already has a rose from some freak accident on the group date and the women are furious. As they are all chatting on the couch, Amanda is telling a story about her kids and their father when Olivia suggests that her life is something out of a Teen Mom episode. Everyone looks at her with disgust. Lauren B. definitely wins for the best facial expressions during this exchange, and it takes Amanda a solid twenty seconds to respond. She was way kinder about it than I would’ve expected, and Olivia immediately bursts into fake ass tears because she’s learning a lot about herself through this process. Um, that you’re a bitch? 

Welcome.

Twin Emily has had enough. She decides to tell Ben that Olivia sucks and that she’s making her uncomfortable. Later, Amanda tells Ben Olivia sucks and she makes her feel targeted. Finally, Ben asks to talk to Olivia before the rose ceremony assumedly to take her rose away and send her home. Nice try, ABC. I don’t buy it for a second. That witch will be around for another week.