Bachelorette JoJo: Week 6, Hometowns & Fantasy Suite Dates

I have to take a moment to apologize for the lack of commitment to the blog these last few weeks. I legitimately have zero interest in any of the remaining guys and as a result have taken to binging Netflix series and eating Friendly’s ice cream instead of writing my reviews. Sorry for being a huge potato and I promise to keep these next two weeks on track. Let’s jump back THREE WEEKS to a time when Polly Pocket Marine was still a thing.  

So last week, JoJo flaked out and couldn’t send James Taylor or Alex home because she was just too overwhelmed at the rose ceremony. Instead, she gave them both hope that she might still end up with either of them by letting them stick around, which we all knew to be incredibly false. But thank god she did because without that decision, we might’ve never gotten to experience the weird horse yoga we saw last night.

Alex gets his first—and last—one on one date and he’s pretty stoked because he’s been waiting for so long, you guys. Like, three and a half weeks. JoJo totally knew she was going to send his ass home and still made him put on that ridiculous hat and for that she received beaucoup points in my book. Alex is trying desperately to compliment JoJo about looking good on a horse, but it all sounds like an uncomfortable ninth-grade text.

Alex: Am I pulling off this gaucho look?

JoJo: Hell no.  

Later, she tries to let him down easily by explaining that when he said he loved her, she wanted to run as quickly as she could into oncoming Argentinian traffic. He didn’t take it well at all and, as petulant children often do, stormed out of the cabin. The camera people weren’t super prepared for this, and you could kind of tell that they were jogging to keep up with him as he made his way to the getaway car. JoJo was really upset that he wouldn’t even look at her, proving once and for all that if you’re mean to a girl, we’ll notice a lot more than if you’re nice to us (see also: James Taylor’s goodbye).

Just so we’re all clear, we know she’s going to pick Jordan, right? Would you drink the foot wine of anybody you weren’t trying to marry? I was pretty uncomfortable with that entire sequence. Now it’s time to finally bring up Jordan’s family, and what better time to do it then when you’re half naked and straddling each other in a pool. Your hand is a hundo percent in her crotch right now. Could you please refrain from talking about your “mama?”

Later at dinner, Jordan explains that he and his famous family member middle brother don’t actually have a relationship at all, and she won’t even be meeting him next week at hometowns. He’s quick to remind her of the time James Taylor called him entitled, pointing out that he gets exactly zero benefits of being related to Aaron and he likely didn’t even know he was on the show. Part of me kind of felt bad about it, and part of me didn’t care at all because I still don’t trust him or the height of his hair.

A 3-on-1 is weird as it is, but these sleepover games are taking it to a new level. I get that it’s raining but was there really nothing else to do indoors in the entire city? Also, how has Robby remained so tan throughout this experience? Which lucky producer got the job of being his personal spray tan artist?

JT: I know you’re more attracted to the other guys, but I think we still have fun.

JoJo: I know, I love making friendship bracelets with you.

James Taylor—bless his heart—tries to make Robby look like an ass because he looked at another Argentinian woman and tries to win JoJo’s affection by stuffing several dozen French fries into his mouth at once. JoJo doesn’t care, like, at all about the other woman. As we already know, she’s into douchey guys who have a wandering eye (see also: Jordan). In the end, she gives the group date rose to Robby, and nobody is surprised besides JT.

Oh, Chase was on this date, too. But not really.

Now Luke gets a one-on-one where they ride horses and shoot things and wear flannel. Throughout the season, ABC has been very obviously giving Luke and Jordan dates that put them in their element, and its working. Their relationship is so natural and cute to watch. They have that Texas connection, and to me Luke seems like the obvious, safe choice. Which pretty much confirms to me she isn’t going to pick him.

JoJo sends JT packing, which probably should’ve happened last week tbh. He takes it better than expected, and JoJo doesn’t even really cry when he leaves. She balled her eyes out when Alex stormed out of the cabin, but didn’t really flinch when the nice guy left. What is wrong with this picture?

HOMETOWNS

I love Hometowns. I like to see the mcmansions and how they are decorated. I like to see the wine consumption. I like to wait for the awkward sibling (there’s always one). But let’s get real; Hometowns are really just put in place for the Bachelorette to decide who she wants to bring to the fantasy suite, right?

We start our journey in snowy Colorado where Chase is waiting atop a mountain. This backdrop couldn’t be any cuter, even though Chase is about as exciting as an un-iced poptart. Don’t get me wrong, he’s the most attractive to ME, but he’s monotone and unexpressive and that’s just not going to fly with JoJo.

Did you know Chase had divorced parents? If you didn’t, I’m not sure where you were last night because it was a popular conversation piece. Chase decides to have JoJo meet his dad first without the rest of the family, probably because there’s some sort of restraining order involved. Normally the parents want to talk to the Bachelorette one-on-one but instead, Chase basically tells JoJo to gtfo so he can catch up with his Pops. It was hella awkward to kick things off by bluntly asking why his parents’ marriage failed. Maybe not my first choice of conversation after not seeing each other for a while but, hey, you do you. Chase’s dad handled it pretty well though, not getting too emotional—must be genetic—and taking full responsibility for his actions.

Later, JoJo meets the rest of Chase’s family who seem pretty normal. His mom is super sweet but spends a lot of time talking about how Chase’s upbringing was affected by divorce, while Chase and his sister are inside talking about the divorce. WE GET IT.

JoJo has to leave now so we cut to the always-painful goodbye at the black SUV. Chase looks like he might poop himself at any minute, and in an ode to 40 Year Old Virgin eventually just blurts out, “I’m falling for you!”

Jordan’s hometown date was a perfect representation of Jordan: secretive, questionable and voluminous. Literally everyone in the family has big hair. We start at Jordan’s high school where there are way too many childhood photos of Jordan and Aaron in the coach’s office from TWENTY years ago. But don’t you dare ask about Aaron or you will be stoned to death.

Jordan: What's so great about Aaron? Hmm? Jordan is just as cute as Aaron. Jordan is just as smart as Aaron. People totally like Jordan just as much as they like Aaron. We should totally just stab Aaron! 

Later we meet most of Jordan’s family and find out that everybody seems to rally behind how loyal Jordan is in this airtight Aaron feud. Even though he told JoJo not to bring it up, she immediately went and asked older brother Luke about it. He also says nothing, proving that the family who rehearses together stays together.

Oh, and his mother whispered something about JoJo being Jordan’s destiny at one point, which wasn’t weird at all.

As if all of this isn’t sticky enough, before exiting in the black SUV, JoJo tells Jordan she’s into it but that she is afraid this won’t work out long term. See also: I don’t trust your ass. Jordan mumbles some reassurance, and she leaves with a kiss. Your gut has been telling you don’t do it for weeks now! Listen to your heart, Poco.

Ugh I guess I have to talk about Robby’s hometown. First of all, this family is hilarious. Everybody is sporting on-the-go wine tumblers as if there weren’t any real wine glasses in this mansion. Robby used to be a competitive swimmer but now it would seem he’s gotten into the family business of spray tans. And, like, why are you calling your dad Coach?

It gets worse. Robby’s mom wants to let him in on the news of the outside world, which includes his ex-girlfriend’s roommate dragging his name through the mud. The word on the street is that Robby broke up with his girlfriend to go on the Bachelorette, which he passionately denies. He decides he wants to tell JoJo this news for himself, and breaks up the slumber party happening on his parents’ bed. JoJo is concerned, of course, but gets over it quickly because she’s an idiot she really trusts Robby.

Off to Texas where JoJo shows up sporting the cowboy boots Luke gave her way back when. Luke has arranged for the entire town to come over for a bbq, and the guest of honor is definitely Luke’s grandpa who blows up his spot about not knowing how to boil water. Gramps got jokes! Luke also has an adorable conversation with his dad about how he knew Luke’s mom was the one. The dad gets super sentimental and teary-eyed and thanks Luke for being a good person and serving his country and Luke basically just sat there like a statue.

He decides it’s time to tell JoJo he loves her, so he puts her on a horse, rides her out to a field where some poor producer he has laid flowers down in a heart shape and….doesn’t tell her he loves her. He says something like, “You have my heart,” but that’s not really the same thing at all.

Whatever. ABC clearly knows something we don’t, because this entire date is a setup for Luke to be the next Bachelor. How many awesome b-roll shots did they get? COME ON! OPEN YOUR EYES.

At the rose ceremony, JoJo can’t breathe because her tin foil dress is painted on she thinks she needs to send home Luke and can’t imagine doing it. A second before she calls the first name, Luke asks to speak to her, and they go outside to chat. He tells her he is in love with her, she tells the camera, “This changes things,” and then sends him home anyway. #savage

The fantasy suite dates are usually pretty uncomfortable, but this season definitely takes the cake. I’m going to keep this brief but here’s what we know after watching this episode:

·         She definitely had sex with Jordan and Robby

·         She definitely is going to be single within the year

The universe is trying desperately to tell JoJo to stay away from Robby by torrentially storming on and ruining all of their dates. After a foot massage at an open-air market (weird), Robby and his white pants sit down for another serious chat about how he loves JoJo and his ex-girlfriend isn’t in the picture anymore. So, basically nothing new.

The next morning, JoJo and her PERFECT messy bun enjoy breakfast in bed with Robby. “It’s our first breakfast together!” she exclaims. Then she gets up and leaves quickly so she can go shave her legs before her date with Jordan.

Jordan and JoJo hike to a cave, which is the exact opposite of my idea of a perfect date. Then they go have dinner and JoJo again expresses her concern about Jordan TO Jordan. He can’t tell her where he wants to be in a year, when the very obvious answer was, “Wherever you are.” She’s unsure about him, so she does the most logical thing and has sex with him. The next morning, she gets up and after exclaiming about having their first breakfast together (awkward), she leaves to go shave her legs before her date with Chase.

The date with Chase showed the most emotion we’ve ever seen from him. He was funny and playful and totally adorable. At dinner, they seemed to have a legitimate talk about the future. And then, the unthinkable happened. Quite literally fifteen seconds after offering Chase the fantasy suite key, she told him she didn’t think he should stay over and basically that she wasn’t in love with him. I could’ve died. Chase, who is usually even-keeled, got pissed and wasn’t really in the mood to talk. JoJo chased him out of the house crying, but he was having none of it. To which I say, good for you, sir. It’s okay with the exiled women run away from the Bachelor. You should do the same.

At the rose ceremony, Chase showed up to apologize to JoJo, which was nice but unnecessary. That reunion would’ve been so much better at the Men Tell All if they hadn’t cleared the air. I’m not sure what exactly JoJo was wearing but at least she wasn’t sweating to death like the other two. Also, where is Chris Harrison? He has barely shown his face this season. Anyway, she gave the two roses to the two guys standing there.

Like I said before, she definitely is going to be single within the year.

                                                                             Also, this. 

Bachelorette JoJo: Weeks 4&5

We all go through dark times in life, and the last week was certainly no exception. After a week without the Bachelorette—13 days to be exact—I was going through some serious withdrawal, stooping so low as to even consider looking at spoilers about this season (Tammy Palyo, I’m looking at you). I got myself together, though, and focused on the fact that Big Brother started last week. If you don’t already watch Big Brother on CBS, you should totally hop on that bandwagon. Imagine your level of addiction of the Bach for a show that is on three times a week. You’re welcome in advance.

Anyway, we find JoJo back at her first “exotic” location of the season, Pennsylvania. I didn’t even feel a sense of pride or excitement about her being in PA this week. I was just kind of confused and slightly embarrassed. Not for myself; for ABC.

After the luckiest producer on TV gets to wheel Chad’s bags out of the house, the men are having a protein powder funeral out on the back porch, blowing his “ashes” out into the forest. Clearly, none of you asshats have ever been camping. You don’t throw food out into the woods and expect not to have visitors. And now those visitors are going to be hyped up on protein.  

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the Chad, and he is back to yell and scream and fight somebody! JK, he just came back because a producer told him to, and the whole scene is busted. Jordan tries to pacify the situation by saying that on behalf of the whole group he apologizes for anything mean they did and could he also man up and do the same? First of all, Jordan, you’re not fooling me and I know that was just a ploy to appear valiant and not like the huge loser that you probably are. Second of all, Chad gave zero fucks and left without so much as exchanging emails with Daniel. That really hurt his feelings.

By the time Polly Pocket Marine gets back to the house, the producers have run to the nearest WalMart and gotten confetti, streamers and a cake that a blind person decorated. They lift him up excitedly, chanting dragon slayer. So now Chad is a dragon? This is really getting out of hand.

Episodes with two rose ceremonies seem way longer. James F. and Daniel get the boot. Daniel probs wouldn’t have lasted without his love, anyway. Oh, and if Evan doesn’t take those godforsaken bracelets off I’m going to lose my shit.

Uruguay bound! Much more exciting than Pennsylvania. I wish they would do an episode here in Kutztown and I could make the guys sit in the bear’s arms and eat Pop’s. Talk about ratings.

Jordan goes on his first one-on-one and it’s whatever because this whole season has felt like a one-on-one for Jordan. While he’s gone, the men at home visit Vinny’s barber shop (see also: hotel lobby) where he’s giving Polly a shapeup. The guys are reading a sleezy magazine and there’s an article about JoJo and her ex-boyfriend in there. Now, have you ever seen somebody on this show reading so much as a bible? They aren’t allowed to have anything, so it’s perplexing to me how this barber shop had a.) one magazine only and b.) had a magazine that conveniently was about JoJo. Almost as perplexing as the idea that Vinny cuts hair for a living and yet his hair looks like that.

Back on the date, JoJo puts Jordan on blast after meeting an ex whom said he treated poorly. It’s abundantly clear to those of us with eyes and ears that Jordan isn’t great when he’s confronted, taking nearly a full minute to answer her questions and sipping what appears to be an old fashioned in between long pauses. From experience, boys who drink those are bad news. Everyone has a past, and clearly his isn’t squeaky clean. I wondered if this was the girl who aired him out on twitter, but I don’t think it matters because she’s probably not the only girl in America who hates his guts. He eventually comes back and blames it on football, saying he couldn’t focus on two things at once. He also says something about Jesus.

Um, what?

She gives him the rose and it’s clear history is doomed to repeat itself. She has told us before she goes for the bad guy, and I don’t think he is any different. Face palm from millions of viewers.

JoJo returns home to chat about the night with producers. One amazingly-trained producer lets JoJo gush about Jordan and how great the night was extensively before handing over the magazine. JoJo launches immediately into the Kim K ugly cry and heads upstairs to talk to the guys.

By the time she gets up there in her comfy duster—let’s make dusters a thing again, right?—the guys have already decided that this article can’t be true and isn’t important. JoJo comes up to explain herself and sees that Jordan is sitting amongst them and goes completely ashen.

JoJo: Do you know about this?

Jordan: Yeah, it’s a non-issue. Like my non-cheating.

It’s obviously she likes Jordan so much more than the rest of you shmucks. Have you no self-respect?

Now it’s time for sand surfing which is an unsafe, stupid date, especially with lawsuit Evan in tow. For as athletic as these dudes are, nobody can get the hang of it and everybody is tumbling down the hill and even the heavens are bored and shoo them away with rain. This group date is uneventful except for the fact that Derek is turning into a brooding, whining little man who has taken a liking to only wearing dark colors. He gets the group date rose labeled now as the “reassurance rose” and everybody is pissed that he needed reassurance. Like you don’t?

Ew, Robby went on a one-on-one and it was awful. Okay, she liked it, but I can’t stand him and you all know it. They ate at a food truck (not saying much for Uruguay’s restaurants), jumped off a cliff and watched fireworks. He got the rose (gag) and told us that he’s falling in love with her and that means she must be falling in love with him back. Prrrrrrrretty sure that’s not how it works, brah, or else I would’ve been married to Zac Efon for years already.

At the rose ceremony, a producer Derek decides to confront the mean girls clique about giving him shit this week. The bros immediately band together and Jordan confirms again that this is a non-issue. Tell me, Jordy, what is an issue for you? Alex calls Derek a little bitch, which is ironic. Evan is somewhere off-screen having an aneurism about not getting time and actually uses the phrase, “My heart is on blast.”

That’s actually not even sort of right.

In the end, it’s time to say goodbye to firefighter Grant, Vinny the barber, Evan and his bracelets.

EPISODE 5

This is becoming a really lame-o season. Let’s take a quick look at who we have left, shall we?

Polly Pocket Marine - douche baggiest of them all and obvious gang leader

Drunk Eyes Chase - his trusty sidekick

Jordan - I’m not entitled but I am better than you

Robby - She’s in love with me, clearly

Derek - Cranky, whiny, brooding

James Taylor - Self-depricating and a little bit of a chump

Wells - Not sure what you’re still doing here, buddy

Luke - Crazy eyes monotone man

So Wells hasn’t kissed JoJo yet. Cool. Nobody should care about this but this season is just a playground full of bullies, including Luke who wastes no time bringing it up in front of everybody when JoJo comes to pick Wells up. He’s getting too comfortable.

I don’t think anyone, including Wells, thought this date was going to end with a rose. The weird pool situation made me uncomfortable, especially the part where JoJo cheered that Wells finally kissed her. “We did it!” Stop, please.

At dinner, Wells talks about how his last serious relationship turned into the friendzone, and JoJo nods emphatically because that’s pretty much where she is now. As if his excessive sweating isn’t enough, he’s also wearing black and navy blue together. For these and many more reasons, JoJo sends Wells home without a rose. And then, to make herself feel better, she goes to a weird, slow-motion rain rave.

P.S. I really feel like Wells and Sarah (from Sean's season) would be a good match. I don't know why, but the whole time he was talking, I kept thinking of her on Bachelor in Paradise. Maybe they can meet at an event or something. 

Next up is the group date, which further confirms that ABC is on a budget this season. This group date consists of walking around town and jumping in on a soccer game already in progress. James Taylor is feeling super uneasy because he’s not a supermodel, and decides to pull JoJo aside to show her how much he cares about her talk shit on Jordan. I don’t know why people on this show decide to talk shit on the clear favorite because it never ends well. JoJo looks disappointed, but my guess is she’s disappointed because she totes loves Jordan and doesn’t want to hear this shit.

 

She then immediately tells Jordan that James was talking shit, and that doesn’t go well. Again, we see how Jordan handles conflict, by taking long pauses, giggling, and making calculated statements to reassure JoJo that he’s not entitled at all, he’s just always right.

Whatever, Luke gets the group rose because he had his hand up JoJo’s skirt.

Chase and Derek’s 2-on-1 is awkward for everyone involved. Derek is wearing navy blue and black together and looks like some sort of cartoon villain. Chase has gotten royally screwed on his dates so far this season; first weird yoga and now this? They both suck at dancing so that’s cool. Later, Derek pours his heart out to JoJo and says all the right things, but she picks Chase because, let’s be honest, she wants to take him to the fantasy suite. As if the crying in the van isn’t enough, the sad montage of Don’t Cry for me Argentina really did me in.

Rose ceremony time! Luke and Chase already have roses from the dates, so the first two roses go to Robby and Jordan. Which, if you’re keeping track, is a GIANT F-U to James Taylor. One more rose to give out and JoJo just can’t handle it, you guys. She has to go outside to ask Chris Harrison if she can have another rose because she doesn’t want to send JT home and make it look like it’s because he talked shit on Jordan is still unsure of which guy she wants to get rid of. So everybody stays. Yay!

Until next time…

Bachelorette JoJo: Week 3

Hey there, friends! I’m back after 10 days away from my desk, my email and my voicemail. Mondays are usually rough, but to live through a first-Monday-after-vacation mixed with a Bachelorette-less Monday is pretty damn cruel. And after a double dose last week? WHYYYY?

The prospect of four glorious hours of the Bachelorette in one week was about as exhilarating as the time I spent the afternoon at the Cabot Cheese factory in Vermont (unlimited cheese samples). The episodes did not disappoint, either, so let’s get right into the first where we find the house looking like a hot damn mess. Well, actually, all we see are dishes in the sink, toilet paper in a tree outside and some of Chad’s leftover meat plates on the counter. No broken windows, no lines of cocaine left on the coffee table. Seems pretty reasonable to me. Side bar: Why don’t they have a dishwasher in this mansion? You have an infinity pool.

Chris Harrison shows up to deliver the date card and the first one-on-one is going to Chase. Who is Chase, exactly? He hasn’t had any airtime yet minus the adorable snow ploy from last week, so I’m excited to see where this goes. If we refer back to premiere week, I put this one on my dark horse list. He goes off to get ready and Chris Harrison absolutely does not clean any of the front yard.

The date is at a yoga studio where they are told to lay on the ground and grunt before pretzeling one another and staring longingly into each other’s eyes. It’s like bad karaoke; you’re uncomfortable but you can’t look away and you kind of enjoy it. “This is the first time I’ve mounted a guy on a first date.”

Oh, JoJo. You’re doing it wrong.

Later, there’s a real-live artist that we’ve all heard of singing on the second part of their date. Maybe this a really great sign for Chase? It may be the first time in years an episode has had somebody recognizable on stage. He obviously gets the rose because they’ve pretty much already been to third base today so it kind of felt necessary.

PAUSE FOR THOUGHT

You know how men look when they’ve had a beer—or six—too many? I recently had an experience where I met a guy at a wedding who was adorable and put together and very upbeat through all of dinner but by the end of the night he couldn’t keep his eyes open more than a few centimeters, his center of gravity was way off and his speech was slow and slurred. That’s kind of how Chase looks to me, like, all the time. Don’t get it twisted, that man is fine, but he kind of always looks like he’s had a few beers before filming.

…aaand scene.

Back at the house, the group date card has arrived with Chad’s name on it and he is less than pleased. Here’s the thing, nobody wants to go on a group date, unless you’re Daniel and you’re just thankful you’re still there somehow (#blessed). The Chad just calls it like it is and says what everyone else is thinking. The date is fucking weird, requiring the guys to get up on stage and talk about an embarrassing sexual experience from their past. My personal favorite was Santa, talking about how he uses the alphabet as a guide to pleasure a woman down below. Oh, he also got sent home shortly after this admission. Coincidence? I think not.

Evan uses his time on stage to poke at Chad and the on-again-off-again steroid debate. News flash, Evan. It isn’t really going to matter if he’s on steroids or not when he crushes your head with his bare hands a la Game of Thrones. Not surprisingly, Alex is enjoying this debacle the most and despite the desire to turn around and smirk at Chad, nobody dares move an inch in their seats. It may be dark in the theater, but Chad is on fire. I can actually see tiny flames forming in his retinas. Conveniently, Chad is the last one who needs to take the stage, meaning he has to cross paths with Evan on the way back to his seat. And by cross paths I mean ferociously pick him up by the scruff of his neck and rip his tshirt. Later, Chad will try to say that Evan bullied him in the aisle and that the push was justified. Everyone, including JoJo was like:

Later, JoJo talks to all the guys and starts the inevitable, “How are things in the house going?” conversation that never leads to anything good. Everyone starts with, “I don’t want this conversation to be able other guys, BUT….” That’s kind of the same as the tried and true, “She’s nice, BUT…” that we all are guilty of. How many times have you been asked to describe somebody and you say, “She’s nice, BUT she’s a huge whore and kind of a bitch and I hate her. But she’s really nice.”

Anyway, the only important parts of this night are Evan giving JoJo and ultimatum (which worked ironically) and then him receiving the group rose.

“Are you seriously vibing this guy right now?” – Chad, as well as all of America.

Whatever, there’s still three hours left. Plenty of time for Chad to get the boot. In the meantime, James Taylor goes on a swing dance date and of course it’s adorable and perfect because he’s adorable and perfect. Later, sitting atop a hill with the city lights dazzling below, James sings a song to JoJo and talks about feeling inadequate. He’s just so damn relatable, y’all! JoJo wants to see if they can move out of the friendzone, but despite their kiss, I don’t think it happened today. It was a cute lip lock, but nowhere near as steamy as the waist-grabbing, face-caressing makeout sessions she has had with Jordan or Luke. He’s probably just trying to be polite and respectful.

Respect her less, maybe.

Back at the house, there will be no cocktail party but instead a pool party where scantily-clad men and flamingos alike will lounge in the pool and try to provoke Chad. Evan’s nose starts bleeding after a near-fatal synchronized swimming accident and Derek, who seems to only be able to speak in hushed tones, tells JoJo that he can no longer share a bunk bed with Chad because he’s afraid for his life. But don’t worry, because they got some five-foot-nothing security guard to pace around the pool. Chad’s yam is bigger than that guard.

JoJo and Jordan’s alone time was cute. She clearly missed him and jumped into his arms pretty readily. Storm clouds are brewin’, though, because JoJo is scared of how much she likes Jordan already and can’t verbalize it to him. Nothing is more painful than watching her try to explain it to him and failing miserably. All he gets on his end is, “You’re confusing. You’re a mystery.” He has to keep explaining himself and that’s going to get old…fast.

Evan, who is already safe for the week, decides to tattle to Chris Harrison about how unstable Chad is and how he makes everybody uncomfortable. Chris tells Chad he better fix this or else no dessert tonight. It’s an epic fail of an apology, mostly because it wasn’t one. James Taylor suggests they all just ignore Chad. But then what would you guys do all day?

The rose ceremony cuts ties with Christian, Ali and Nick. NOT SANTA! JoJo is really effing up my final 5 pick this season. I’m down to three.  

Now we’re off to Pennsylvania for our first exotic retreat. Don’t get me wrong, I obviously love Pennsylvania, but I wouldn’t exactly call it Bachelor-worthy. Luke is going on the first one-on-one date and it’s clear that ABC is trying to cut costs this season. Really? An outdoor hot tub powered by logs? Whatever. We know Luke is getting the rose so let’s fast-forward through his monotone staring-into-your-eyes-forever conversation right to the part where hot men are playing sports.

 

The sports date is always one of the highlights of the season, where the boys are separated from the men, or in this case, Evan is separated from everybody else. Jordan gets to be permanent QB for both teams (convenient?) so he’s automatically going to the after party. Somehow, the island of misfit toys team—lead by Evan and his weak nasal capillaries—wins and gets to go to the evening portion of the date while the more athletic, attractive men get to go home and hang out with Chad.

Using their deductive reasoning skills, the men back at the house realize that Alex and Chad are destined for the notorious 2-on-1 date. Patriotic music starts playing and ridiculous quotes start flying. “Alex is a real live American hero!” Alex flashes his America socks and somewhere in the distance fireworks are going off and a tiny chorus of children sings America the Beautiful. Everyone needs to relax.

It was pretty obvious that JoJo knew what she was doing on this date before it started. The “date” was a short-lived hike followed by sitting on some rocks. It seemed like the whole day portion took less than two hours, which to me symbolizes that she knew whom she really wanted to spend the evening with. However, I really wasn’t sure if JoJo was going to send Alex home and shock the hell out of everyone. Stranger things have happened on this show (see also: Tierra).

REAL TALK

Alex is pretty much doomed, which we know by using basic Bachelor franchise knowledge. The tattle tale is not going to win. They never do, and instead their role is simply to pave the way for other contestants to shuffle along—villain-less—through the remainder of the season. There’s an Alex in every season and he or she is never in the finals. So, thank you for your service, but you’ve also shot yourself in the foot via the crusade against Chad.

Okay, so back in the hundred acre wood, despite Chad all but admitting to being a horrible person, JoJo still hasn’t cut him loose. That is until Alex plays his trump card. “He threatened to beat the shit out of Jordan earlier today.”  We all know she’s feelin’ him. Mama is thirsty, and nobody is gonna endanger her man like that.

JoJo: Did you say you were going to beat the shit out of Jordan today?

Chad: I mean, that’s not something that I didn’t say…

And with that, the magnetic rose is upon Alex’s lapel and Chad is left in the forest alone, Olivia style. But wait, he’s actually not left alone because he found his way back to the house where the men are staying with absolutely no help from producers whatsoever.

Oh my gosh I just realized I forgot to mention that disgusting exchange between JoJo and Robby. I could’ve gone back to the paragraph about the sports date and written it in sequential order but I think it’s important for you to know that I legit forgot about it slash expunged it from my mind because it was so offensive. He’s slimy. Something isn’t right with that one, and as they were sitting there making out on the pool table, I found myself turning away from the TV in disgust. Bleh.

Until next time....

Bachelorette JoJo- Week 2

The Bachelorette is wasting no time this season in getting things fired up. It’s week 2 and ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a villain. Sometimes I think people get a bad edit on this show or are misunderstood. That is not what I think about Chad. I think Chad is as arrogant and blunt as he comes off. And you know what? He doesn’t care. And, to add insult to injury, now he has himself a hype man in the form of Canadian Daniel. “Imma let you finish, but Chad makes one of the best protein shakes of all time!”

But before we get into all things Chad, we have to go through the first group date. Here comes Chris Harrison with the date card and I have to ask myself exactly what is the season? Some guys are in tank tops, some have beanies on, some even are sporting leather jackets. Pick a climate.

The lucky few on the group date are chosen and Chad deems them the B-team. Not exactly wrong in my eyes, Chad. I think these were the ones she wasn’t sure about after night one and wanted to learn more about. They leave on the firefighting date and Chad is talking about how he used to sell cars.

It's all starting to make sense. 

Normally on this show, somebody with a guitar or weird talent gets ostracized, but in this scenario James Taylor is the absolute man. They are actually sitting around writing songs about a girl they are all trying to date like it’s totally normal. Brooding Chad and his head-to-toe black ensemble are off eating lunchmeat somewhere, probably scowling.

Robbie looks like a sailboat-owning douche. Amiright?

This fire date is no joke. Poor Wells is the size of a toothpick and has no business holding an axe let alone participating in this experience. I wish we could’ve seen more of the guys participate and less of Wells’ near-death experience.

Oh the firefighter won the firefighting date? Cool. 

Did anybody else notice when they cheersed on the group date and somebody had water? Hopefully it was Daniel. 

Evan: “I'm the only guy here who actually has kids.”  That actually IS amazing. So many opportunities for a hot dad. And yet…

I have a serious question. Is Luke cute? I really can't tell. In some shots he’s dreamy and in others (see also his ABC headshot) he looks like he may date his cousin. What do we think? He’s obviously romantic and athletic and owns a leather jacket so he’s off to a good start. JoJo seems to like it, and they make out on a rooftop for at least 4 minutes before returning to the group where JoJo gives the group date rose to…Wells.

And nobody is more surprised than Wells.

Now it’s time for the date with John Krasinkski a.k.a. Derek. Derek seemed nervous but sweet in the first episode but quickly he’s fallen from grace in my opinion. I think he’s just really nice and soft-spoken and a gentlemen but also really, incredibly boring. JoJo gave him the option of dressed up or dressed down and he picked dressed down. Ew. They decide to stay dressed down for the afternoon portion of the date and then somehow he didn’t get the memo about being dressed up for the night portion. She shows up looking like a disco ball and he looks like he’s off to cheer on Princeton at the regatta.

JoJo: Tell me about your last relationship.

Derek: Gosh this is so hard because I haven't told anybody about this...besides the producers.  

I'm not belittling his experience—cheating is a serious matter—but I find him to be about as exciting as my bimonthly staff meetings. Whatever, he gets the rose because it’s week two. "I'll never forget tonight." 

...Well that makes one of us.  

Next group date.  Let’s take the firefighter to a firefighter date and let’s take Aaron Rodgers’ brother to ESPN. Makes total sense. The guys have to do a series of goofy things like make up a touchdown dance, propose to JoJo and, of course, participate in dizzy bat. What determines love? Dizzy bat determines love. 

Chad is having none of it and is complaining incessantly in his off-screen interview. He thinks everyone is stupid and taking this experience as a joke. P.S. whichever producer gets to work with Chad during this season is one lucky duck. If they get bonuses for airtime, cha-ching.

Also if my phone could stop autocorrecting Jojo to Joni that'd be great.

James Taylor wins the challenge and gets…um….extra time at the cocktail party with her? I’m not really sure that anybody who “won” a date this week got anything special besides a death stare and some hateful words from Chad, but then again that’s kind of the gift with purchase of this season.

During his one-on-one time, James Taylor reads a poem he wrote for JoJo and tells her that he knows he’s not the most attractive guy there but has a big heart. Aww, James. How self-deprecating and relatable.

I LOVE that Jordan is bros with most of the guys. Every time they cut to a shot of him he’s laughing or goofing off with one of them. He also put up an Instagram yesterday that said, “20+ guys vying for one girl…doesn’t mean you can’t make a few friends along the way.” I’ve been saying this for years! The Bachelor/Bachelorette is like Bumble BFF before it was a thing.

Chad has some one-on-one time with JoJo which they use to discuss Chad calling her naggy on their not-even first date. Somehow, it gets turned around onto JoJo and Chad reassured her that there’s no confusion and he knows she wasn’t’ trying to be mean. Um….what?

JoJo: Why was your last relationship 4 years ago?

Chad: Because I was making that money, honey.

Chad, are you financially ready for a relationship? I’m not sure because you haven’t mentioned it yet.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT:

Jordan: What if Chad gets the rose?

James Taylor: I'd have to rethink my whole life.

Not today, JT, because YOU get the rose! Four for you, Glen Coco!

Now it’s time for the cocktail party and Chad is waiting outside to intercept JoJo. If ANY of the other guys had done this, America would’ve been swooning uncontrollably. But it was Chad so. Oh, and Chad took this opportunity to diss Greek life. Boy BYE.

Also JoJo stop saying thanks every time somebody kisses you. It’s weird.

I was all about team Alex last week but now I have to cut him loose. Why Are you getting involved? Who actually cares if he was sitting outside waiting for her to show up. You’re just mad you didn’t think of it first.  Do you watch this show? Snitches go HOME. DO NOT TELL HER.

Guys, I don’t know who Chase is but I’m into it. He’s a cutie AND he made his own date this week AND he said winter is his favorite AND he made snow for her. Cute and resourceful. I can’t put my finger on it but there’s something about him that I like. Maybe it’s because he reminds me of my friend Brandon. Brandon, I know you’re reading this so HEY.

The night basically revolves around JoJo talking to one or two of the guys before Chad butts in. He’s making a habit of it the more he sees it bothers Alex the Marine. He probably interrupted her 4 times to have meaningless conversations.

JoJo: So are you happy to be here?

Chad: Yes, I came home yesterday from our date and I was thinking about you which is unusual for me to think of anybody else.

In the end, hipster Brandon, weird-kiss-Will and bachelor superfan James go home. I’m a little upset about James, because he was kind of my favorite.

LAST THOUGHT

Chad: I'm just gonna keep drinking protein shakes, working out and eating food.

Same, Chad. Same.

Until next time….

xoxo,

Amanda