Bachelorette Kaitlyn: The Men Tell All

Raise your hand if the Men Tell All isn’t your favorite episode of the season. You, with your hand up? You can leave.

Last night was not as shocking as some Tell Alls have been in the past, but I appreciated it nonetheless. As usual, you had some men show up looking different than what you remember from TV because they saw themselves and were appalled (I’m looking at you, Jared). Others took the social queue to finish out their contract silently in the back row instead of causing a(nother) scene (Ryan and Tony the healer), and some just straight didn’t show up(Ryan M. Cory without the E and Daniel).  

Overall, the theme of the night was that Kaitlyn is going to do what she wants, even if that means bringing in a man mid-season or telling another that he’s THE ONE a month in. Newsflash, dudes, they’re the final two. If you can’t make the inference now with these context clues, nobody can help you.

I’ll start by asking the question on everyone’s mind: who drew the short straw and had to light allllll of those candles along the stage? I mean, there were at least 40,000. I was so distracted by them that I missed a lot of the complaining. But here is what I did catch.

The trailer for Bachelor in Paradise is everything I hoped it would be and more. Some of you may not know this about me, but Bachelor Pad and Bachelor in Paradise are actually my favorite part of the franchise. Guilty as charged, I actually prefer to see the randos go at it because you rarely get to see them in all of their glory on the other seasons because you are forced to focus on the Bach or Bachelorette. Nay! I want to see the whatsherfaces and whatwashisnameagains fight and make out on beaches. Let the judgment ensue.

We start immediately with some of the earliest-evicted suitors yammering on about the Clint thing, and then the Clint and JJ thing, and then the Ian thing and then the Nick thing. Corey with an ‘E’ is not happy and complains, like, the entire episode. Kupah Troopa, who could have easily sat silently in the background and faded off into oblivion, decided to go on a rant about how Kaitlyn is basically the worst Bachelorette ever and didn’t portray herself well. Corey is all about this and backs Kupah up by suggesting that Kaitlyn was a disgraceful Bach. Air high five between these two loosahs. But the precious angel that is Ben H. is having none of it.

Ben H. How many weeks were you around?

America:

We briefly discuss Clint and it went something like this:

All the men: Clint was nice the first night and then he got cocky after his deep sea one-on-one.

Clint: I never said I was a role model.

JJ takes the hot seat to discuss his bromance with Clint. One might assume that, given three months off to contemplate how to address the issue on the impending national tv special, JJ would’ve come up with a better way to explain the situation than saying he was “intellectually curious” about Clint. Instead, he tried to blame his bad jokes on his particular “brand of humor.” No, JJ. It’s not that. You’re just actually a fucking idiot. Meanwhile, Joe Bailey is hysterically laughing nearby. It is probably exactly what I would’ve been doing.

Joe Bailey for VP (I think we all know who I want for Prez. Then I can live out my Olivia Pope dreams).

Now Ian is on his knees beginning for forgiveness from the men. I think it worked, or terrified them, because everyone kind of nodded and just silently hoped he and his tight pants would go back to his seat. I don’t know. I was uncomfortable.

Look, I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t really care about Ben Z. He’s probs not the Bachelor, and if you are honest with yourself you only like him because he is a big, beefy man. He really didn’t say anything exciting in the time he was around. Tell me one interesting thing he said all season. JUST TRY.

Chris Harrison: So you haven’t cried since your mom died?

Ben Z: No.

Chris Harrison: And have you cried since I made you go to that fake funeral and you got dumped on tv?

Ben Z: Nope.

Chris Harrison: Okay, good talk.

Now it’s time for Jared to take the hot seat and continue to be the standup guy that he is. He’s excited to see Kaitlyn, he’s nervous to see Kaitlyn, and he got a new razor. But hold your applause because here comes…

BEN freakin' H.

Moon of my life. My sun and stars. Ben H. comes up to reaffirm, as if there was any doubt, that he will in fact be the next Bachelor. Well he came up to talk about that weird sleepover with Kaitlyn and Shawn, but judging by the audience reaction, he’s a shoe-in. He retells the story about how Kaitlyn snuck into the hotel room he was sharing with Shawn in San Antonio and while he showered, Shawn and Kaitlyn shared some alone time that made his return feel kind of awkward. Now he knows it was because Kaitlyn told Shawn he was the one. But, like, more importantly, why was there a king bed and a cot?

Nobody puts Ben H. in the corner (on a cot).

Now it’s time for Kaitlyn to come out, and thank GOD she’s wearing a sparkly dress with grey eyeshadow. The suspense was killing me.

They continue to zoom in on Ben H. like a thousand times while Chris Harrison reads mean tweets about Kaitlyn, only this isn’t meant to be funny like on Jimmy Kimmel. The tweets are poorly-crafted slut-shames, calling Kaitlyn a whore and telling her to crawl in a hole and die.

These tweets brought to you by the Bible belt.

After they all clap for Kaitlyn about being brave, nobody wants to have an actual discussion about anything, besides my main man Ben H. He asks Kaitlyn why she only told Shawn about having sex with Nick. Um, yeah? Why did you do that? She gives some sort of response, possibly in another language, because nobody could quite decipher what she said. Chris Harrison, never one to let an opportunity like this pass, paraphrases the question again. No, no, dear. You’re not getting off that easy. Kaitlyn gives some busted answer about compartmentalizing relationships and nobody buys it but we all move on because Joe is in a bird costume and it’s actually terrifying.

Oh, and Ian got up to apologize to Kaitlyn.

Ian: I just wanted to apologize for my actions on this show. I, too, have felt the backlash of the public. I got hate mail, too.

Kaitlyn: I know. I sent them.

The bloopers were stupid and seem to be getting shorter and shorter every season. I know Joe Bailey did more funny things than pee in a bush. And come ON! Where was Tony the healer??? No montage of Daniel’s scarves? Get your head in the game, people!

Next week, we meet Kaitlyn’s family and Shawn says “the other guy” like a thousand more times. Who can’t wait for After the Final Rose? I can’t wait until they announce Ben H. as the Bachelor. I may have to take the day off from work.

Until then….

xoxo,

Amanda 

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Week 10

It’s dark and gloomy today and I LOVE IT. Even the heavens are mourning the loss of our dear Ben H.

On Tuesday mornings, after I have written my blog and searched for the most ridiculous .gifs, I like to visit a few of my tried-and-true websites to see what people are saying about the episode. Today, all of the articles were short, sweet and to the point, and that point was that this season has run out of steam. I couldn’t agree more, and I think we all know it has something to do with the format of this season, the boo hoo boy drama, and the lack of the actual bachelor magic that we have grown so accustomed to. For every cute moment a couple has shared, there has been a dark cloud of despair lingering nearby and, oddly enough, that cloud is.still.here.

Also that cloud is, like, totes trying to be the bachelor. Um, I’m sorry. Do you remember Juan Pablo? They’re not gonna make that mistake again. My guess is ABC is going to go back to its fairytale days. Onto the episode.

I like drama as much as the next gal, but this butting of heads between Shawn and Nick needs to stop. The episode resumes as Shawn stomps over to Nick’s cottage to tell him he’s condescending, arrogant and totally ruining his life. I know you are but what am I?

Shawn: You’re a mean girl, Nick. You’re a bitch!

Nick: I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m popular.

As usual, absolutely nothing gets accomplished during this conversation petty argument and Shawn leaves after talking AT Nick for roughly 4 minutes. Nick seems unfazed by this, despite ABC’s extreme close-up of his face in an attempt to make him seem pensive or sad. Do you know this dude? He doesn’t do pensive or sad. He does calculating and conniving. And he will undoubtedly continue to make Shawn look bad by encouraging the temper tantrums.

Cut, print, moving on.

Just like him, Ben H.’s fantasy suite date is perfect. A laid-back afternoon of horseback riding, animal feeding and picnicking atop a lush, green mountain followed by a nice dinner and snuggling by a fire inside a castle. A CASTLE, people. Ben H. reinstates my faith in sweaters this week as he and Kaitlyn settle down for a nice, mature conversation about the overnight portion of this date. She asks him if he’s sure he wants to stay over. Why does she keep prodding about his sexuality? Are you a virgin? Are you sure you want to spend the night? Do you know where to put it? STOP IT. Ben tells her he’s trying to act as if nobody else is there and that it’s about their relationship and he wants it to be how it would be in real life. So, basically, the most realistic, thoughtful answer he could’ve provided. Kaitlyn is not impressed as it has become abundantly clear that she is looking for a reason to get rid of Ben. He confesses that he is only 26, and Kaitlyn swears up and down that it doesn’t bother her while silently doing a little jig inside. Ha ha! A flaw! Regardless, the two head up to their suite for the #bestsleepoverever because my girl Kaitlyn isn’t gonna pass up the opportunity for the D even though she def def knows he’s going home.

Up next is Shawn who gets a fun-filled day of golfing and nudity. Let ‘s just call a spade a spade here; this week Kaitlyn went on a date to a bar, streaking and a majestic castle for two and she had the least fun at the castle. I’m just going to say what everyone is thinking: Ben H. is too good for her! Run, Ben H. Run your gangly self right to Macungie. I hear there are admissions counselors there looking for love.

Kaitlyn comments that her date with Shawn is really fun and for a split second she forgot that her suitors want to gauge each other’s eyes out with samurai swords. But then she remembers and decides they should probably talk about it at dinner because it has been, like, 24 hours since they last fought. Kaitlyn suggests that Shawn should just talk to Nick one-on-one and try to work it out—which is the dumbest idea since letting Ben Flajnik be the bachelor—and Shawn pretends that he tried and suggests that Nick’s allegations were just too egregious and he had to walk out. See also: repeated something you said off-camera and exposed you. Shawn is the new Britt, complaining that everyone is out to get her and whining incessantly because they forgot this show was about multiple suitors.

Shawn comes home to Nick lurking beside his hotel. “Hey, Shawn!” He yells across the parking lot as if they are good buddies who haven’t seen each other in a while. His words are dripping with contempt, though, and Shawn is having none of it. Nick has had some time to reflect and he wants to get the last word. Sadly, that’s never going to happen with Shawn because he will continue to talk over you until the day you die.

The rose ceremony was pretty basic. The most exciting part was at the end when Nick and Shawn danced silently around the carpet protesting each other’s existence while Kaitlyn walked Ben H. to the reject van.

Kaitlyn: I’m squeezing your hand so hard right now.

Ben H.: I know, I’m in here.

Onto the hometown dates, which, seeing as they were in Utah where exactly nobody on this season is from, weren’t really hometowns. Instead, they were more like a weird secret witness protection program meeting. We start with Nick, whose family is just about as excited he’s on the show again as America is. They sit silently in their suite, taking turns bursting into tears. Even his little sister knows this is bad news.

Kaitlyn has a few nice conversations with Nick’s sisters and brothers and then with mama bear, who may or may not have taken a hit of something before the cameras showed up. She’s so anxious and fidgety and cries a few more times before the day is through, reminding Nick that the next time they meet he will either be really happy or really sad.

Profound.

The date ends and Nick and Kaitlyn steal a few kisses back in her hotel room. Did anybody else see him do a double-take at the room number when they went in? He’s def gonna show up in the middle of the night like the serial killer he is.

Shawn’s date isn’t exciting, either, and although his sisters approved willingly, his dad was a tad more questioning. “What the heck is going on?” It seems like the most reasonable question of them all. I sometimes forget that these families don’t see their kid for 5 or 6 weeks and they come back acting bat-shit crazy and talking of love. I totally get why this is so confusing for them. Also, we know ABC doesn’t actually let anybody eat on these little visits because somebody always wants to have a candid chat mid-meal, so I’d probably be pretty off my rocker as well.

Next week is the Men Tell All, the single reason we watch this barnyard explosion in the first place. I can’t wait to see those giant men squirming around in those tiny plastic seats. We know that ABC relies heavily on the reaction of the crowd in determining the next Bachelor, so let’s hope America and I are on the same page about Ben H.

Until then…

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Weeks 8&9

Hola, friends! I have returned from the Dominican Republic with a new tan and a new outlook on this season. Although I think Kaitlyn will end up with the right man for her—or no man at all—I am pretty much ready to get to Bachelor in Paradise. Right after the bloopers on the Men Tell All.

Episode 7 

Because the episode aired a week ago and because I’ve already watched this week's series of meltdowns, I will just give the cliff note versions of my opinions from episode 7 and move right along into this week. We open with Shawn and his piss poor attitude whining again about how uncomfortable he is. 

Just you wait, boo boo.

Shawn: It’s getting really serious.

Kaitlyn: I know. Day 24 was really hard on my season, too.

Joe and JJ go on the dreaded 2-on-1 date to a cliff and share at least thirty-eight seconds of awkward silence on a picnic blanket together before Joe pulls Kaitlyn aside for what might’ve been the sweetest statement all season.

Joe: “I can’t get enough of you, Kaitlyn. I’m falling in love with you.”

America: Dead.

Meanwhile, Nick and Tanner are doing laps in the garden while Shawn pouts on a stoop nearby. This is odd because, if we recall, Tanner was the original persecutor of Nick when he arrives a few weeks back. Turning over a new leaf? In search of his 15 minutes? You decide.

Back to the cliff date. Now JJ and Kaitlyn are sharing some alone time on the blanket. “I like JJ because he is edgy.” Yes, because nothing says edgy like adultery and plaid.

The puffer vest strikes again and JJ is sent packing. However, Joe doesn’t get a rose, either. Can this season stick to the script at all? This is all so confusing!

The date finally ends and as we make our way back to the castle where Shawn is still outside and still being a huge baby. Later on he basically asks Kaitlyn to confirm that he’s the one and she tells him that they have to go through the motions, that there’s no way around it, and that he really just needs to stfu.

The energy in this castle is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson. Everybody kind of senses that something is rotten in Denmark Ireland but doesn’t really know what stinks. Ben H. decides to have a mature conversation with her about it.

Ben H: I get this sense that something is up.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, this week has been really hard.

Ben H: I totes get that. Please don’t just keep me to keep me, but if you are gonna let me go, can you wait til final 3? Better Bach odds. Kthanksbye.

Finally at 9:16 pm, the rose ceremony starts and Ben Z. and Tanner are donezo.

Ben Z: I’m really hurt by this. I came here for love.

Tanner: It’s been fun.

I guess that pretty much sums up his time here.

Now it’s time for a road trip where Kaitlyn decides to take the least confrontational guy with her in the car and lets the petulant teenagers duke it out on the bus. The vibe between her and Jared is so effortless, so darling and so not gonna happen.

Chris Harrison comes in and tells everybody that this time around, fantasy dates are going to come before hometowns in an effort to give them all “more alone time” to “help relationships catch up” to one another. Read also: Everyone must bang to get on the same playing field as hamster Nick.

Cupcake is all about this idea, because he’s pretty sure his one-on-one today will end with him and Kaitlyn soaring over a rainbow into a pot of gold, potentially on a unicorn. He and his vneck sweater are more than willing to fly in a helicopter to the literal edge of the earth for some alone time. He says all the right things and Kaitlyn cries and tells him he’s not the one and begs him not to jump off the cliff.

Cupcake, you’re an intelligent guy. You should’ve known what was up when she came on this date with a pony tail.  

Episode 8

I’m having trouble keeping up with the timeline of this season. The episodes are starting and ending in the middle of these Bachelorette weeks, and I’m not sure exactly where Monday’s episode left off. I faintly remember Cupcake on suicide watch after his 1-on-1 and no rose ceremony so it must be the middle of the week.

Ben gets a 1-on-1 next, and he uses the time wisely to play hide and seek. Later, they sit in front of a fire and Ben admits that he is really excited to stay up all night and talk. Kaitlyn takes this as an obvious sign that he’s a virgin because what guy would want to get to know a girl before getting down on one knee?

Then there’s some busted group date which is really just like an appetizer to a 1-on-1 with Shawn. I’m pretty sure Nick was on this “date” but I was too busy watching Joe get his heart stomped on.

Joe: I will love you until you’re old and grey and never look at another woman and drive the minivan and do all the yard work forever.

Kaitlyn: He's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Joe. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in episode 2, I started going out with my fifth boyfriend, Shawn, who was totally gorgeous but then I had sex with Nick, and Joe was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Shawn, he'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?"

That man better find love on Bachelor in Paradise. But maybe leave the vest at home.

Then, as if Joe wandering off into the woods towards a van full of producers (I hope?) wasn’t uncomfortable enough, Kaitlyn sent Nick back to the hotel to chill with Jared and Ben while she attempted to make Shawn’s head spontaneously combust by telling him she and Nick did it. I was expecting this:

But we really got this:

Which was uber disappointing because I really wanted to see him flip a table or throw a chair or something. I guess Shawn is learning—slowly but surely—that this is a show about dating multiple people. He tells her he’s going to man up, and she’s thankful because that went so much better than expected.

But not so fast.

Roughly 12 hours later, at the rose ceremony, Shawn has changed his mind about how accepting he is of his girlfriend’s sex pal and decides to pull her away to chat just as she offers him the first rose. Her face is sheer terror.

I’m expecting something a little more “profound” to come from Shawn given the extensive conversation they had yesterday. Instead, he asks, “Why him?” Like she’s actually going to answer that question. It’s a trap, Kaitlyn. Run now.

Whatever she said, it worked because he, Nick and Ben H. come out with roses and Jared is sent packing. Jared is totally classy about the whole thing and, even though he is glossy-eyed in the limo, he has seen this show before and knows not to throw a tantrum on your way out.

So the overnight dates begin with Nick and Kaitlyn going to another church and talking about their childhood. Literally, I can’t think of two people less suitable to be on another church date. Do we remember what happened last time? Churches make these two weirdos hot and bothered. No bueno.

Nick decides to use his time wisely to talk shit about Shawn, claiming that he overheard Shawn bragging about screwing some girl the same night as an unnamed country star. Kaitlyn says, “Ewwww,” but doesn’t really react otherwise. Nick. This is the girl who had sex with you whilst dating 12 other guys. Do you really think she’s going to be offended by a minor indiscretion before they even met?

The next morning, Kaitlyn and her half top-knot are actually eating breakfast with Nick in the hotel. I don’t really remember what was said because they were actually eating and I was distracted. Long night, y’all?

Nick saunters back to his cottage only to be greeted by Shawn moments later. The two sit as far apart from each other as humanly possible, making it a bad scene from a tennis match as the sole cameraman has to flip back and forth as they whine at each other. I'm not sure what the point of this is, but I guess we will have to find out next week. 

I’m sure Ben H. is knitting somewhere.