Bachelorette Kaitlyn Week 3

Last night was pretty crazy, right? We had some boxing, some bad jokes, and a childhood Little Mermaid fantasy come true. What more could you ask for? A series of male meltdowns, you say? Well alright, then. Let’s not waste any more time!

Let me be frank; I was in a pretty bad mood last night going into the show and as a result consumed several glasses of red wine during the episode, so please don’t submit this to anyone as a representation of my writing ability. This is sure to be one of the more spotty versions of the episode floating around the interweb. Onward!

We open with the tried-and-true shot of Kaitlyn “waking” in the morning and staring out the window trying to remember the guy’s names. Chris Harrison comes to visit because he is contractually obligated to ask if she sees this working and to share that she is already off to a worse start than Chris Soules with kissing too many people. Kaitlyn shrugs it off and basically tells Chris Harrison that if she feels a connection, she’s going to act on it. See also: sleeps with someone midday later this season.

Side note: this episode was definitely filmed in California and definitely not filmed in Autumn, but the foliage in the background was giving me life. I wanted to wear a dark lip and earthy nudes to work today because that shot made me feel so nostalgic for fall. But then I woke up late and work a sundress I bought at Costco and chapstick. Maybe next time.

Back at the ranch, the men are jumping on beds and drinking manly mimosas in the kitchen. Chris Harrison comes in wearing a—wait for it—purple oxford with zipper pockets and tells them about the week. “There will be some dates and probably some fighting and not nearly enough airtime for me, so here’s a card. Bye.”

The date card says something about the date ending with a ring, and all of the rejects plus the Bens pile into the car and head to some desolate location where they practice boxing and then beat each other up in front of Californians who volunteered to stand around and watch. In the end, it comes down to Ben Z. the tank and Jared the emo restaurant manager who duke it out for Kaitlyn’s affection. I half-expected Jared to use his pointy cheekbones as his secret weapon, but he didn’t even get the chance once Ben Z. laid into him. The medic was concerned about his pupils’ response time, so off to the hospital went Jared while Ben Z. snagged the group date rose and several minutes of smooching with Kaitlyn. “Ben Z. is just a hunk of a man!” However, nothing will get you noticed like a secret roadside rendezvous, so Jared and his completely horrendous wardrobe met Kaitlyn outside for a quick “walk” also known as making out with his eyes open and then disappearing into the night like the true superhero he is.

They’re showing a lot of Tanner this week. Who is Tanner and why does he look so much cuter this week?

Cut to the ranch where JJ, cross-legged and clad in loafers, is swirling red wine and letting everybody know that he is not worried and is most likely getting the one-on-one. Which he doesn’t. In fact, it goes to Clint, the hulk lookalike who seems to get more attractive as time goes on. He also drew Chris Harrison on a triceratops. What more do you want from the guy?

The date is an underwater photo shoot which immediately made me wish America’s Next Top Model was in season. Kaitlyn struggles to be underwater without holding her nose and the pictures are downright terrible for the most part. There were a few good ones towards the end, but overall this whole experience seemed like a waste of three very expensive ball gowns. They seemed to enjoy themselves, though, and after a rooftop dinner (that I completely missed because I knocked my wine glass over and had to run to the kitchen to get paper towels to mop it up), Clint gets the rose and some more kisses from Kaitlyn. “Clint is just a hunk of a man!” Now where have we heard this before…

Back at the ranch, Tony is mad, you guys. No date should involve violence, and as someone with a black eye, he would know. He’s just not in the mood for healing, okay? The date card comes for the third and final date, and SURPRISE SURPRISE, Tony’s name is on the date card.

The guys are doing standup in front of a crowd for this date, and they get a chance to practice their jokes with some comedians ahead of time. Cupcake is sweating right through his clinical strength Secret deodorant and has no idea how to be funny or impress Kaitlyn while JJ thinks he has this in the bag.  Amy Schumer was the whole reason for this episode.

JJ: I think I’m smarter than, like, 90% of the audience, so I don’t know if they’ll get my jokes.

Amy: You’re not smarter than, like, 90% of ants in America, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

As it turned out, everybody seemed to do okay with the jokes besides Tony, who has apparently never heard a joke in his life and completely misunderstood the assignment. To help combat this later, he tells Kaitlyn that he was afraid of her at first, which is totally the way to win a woman’s heart. That and call her crazy. That works, too.

Through some strange twist of fate, JJ gets the group date rose and everyone in America let out a collective sigh. ABC is highlighting it way too much for him to make it much further without somebody making the ultimate sacrifice and telling Kaitlyn about him, but I don’t know how much longer that will take. I completely believe that Kaitlyn has no idea he’s a douche yet, but I can’t wait to see what she does with the info when she receives it.

Cocktail party time.

Three men didn’t get dates this week, so the guys agree to give Shawn, Cory and Ryan the first chance to talk to Kaitlyn. However, JJ has made it his personal mission to piss off every possible person in this cast, and so far he’s executing it beautifully. Tony is straight-up losing his mind over JJ getting the group rose, and I felt bad enjoying Tony’s shame-spiral. Just when I was getting comfortable….

Kupah.

That conversation was doomed from the start. If his intention was to feel her out and see if they had a connection, he failed. He came in fast and furious and I think forgot for a second who the main character of this story was. Not to mention his not-so-subtle dig at ABC for being the token black guy this season and his dislike for, and I quote, “Looking good on a roster.” Kaitlyn gave zero fucks about telling him flat out that he actually ruined his chances in the last 3 minutes and that she needed some time to think about what she wanted to do.

By all means, go outside and tell anyone who will listen about your epic failure of a conversation and do it so loudly that Kaitlyn can hear you from clear across the mansion. He deserved to be let go, although by the looks of it, he might very well still be standing out front of the mansion right now.

My guesses? I think with Kupah being exiled, we only will say goodbye to two men next week. If I had to choose, it would be Tony and Jonathan because Tony is a wack-a-doodle and Jonathan’s creepy eyes need to go. Not to mention that he really hasn’t done much else of value.  I would also not be sad to see Justin go, strictly because he named his kid Aurelius and also has gigantic lips. Corey can go, too. He’s the one that looks like a busted Rob Lowe.

How will next week go? Will Kupah ever leave the Bachelor mansion? Will Tony’s head explode? Will we ever get an episode that has dates AND a rose ceremony in one? Find out next Monday on the Bachelorette!

p.s. Britt and Brady hung out this episode. 

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Episode 2

This episode was nothing if not a perfect beginning to what may finally turn out to be the most dramatic season of the Bachelorette to date. Sister wives?  Special guests? Slut-shaming? How could it not be?

We open up with Chris Harrison sharing the bad news (or good news, depending on your stance) with the ousted Bachelorette. Now, if you’re as avid a Bach fan as I, you would’ve known who he was going to talk to first based on which direction he exited the mansion. The last clip of Monday’s episode was him coming out of the house and bearing left alongside the pool. I knew Monday night he was headed to talk to Britt, who was posted up by the outdoor fireplace to the left of the pool, to break the bad news to her first. Call me crazy, but I can’t help the attention to detail.

He wasted no time in telling her, but the way he did it was just brilliant. "I counted the votes. The majority of the men have chosen one woman who they can hopefully see a future with," he said. "Britt, unfortunately, you are not the Bachelorette."

This was me: 

Nobody was more shocked than Britt, who took a few moments to process it a la Elle Woods. “I’m sorry, I just hallucinated. What did you just say?” You’re out of here, sweetie. Chris Harrison wasted no time at all and walked her right out to the shiny driveway. See you at the finale, ma’am.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is inches from blowing chunks all over the patio waiting for Chris to come give her the news. Chris Harrison clearly enjoys playing with people’s heartstrings as he told her, “I counted the votes and unfortunately Kaitlyn... (dramatic pause) "I had to send Britt home. You're going to be the Bachelorette." Kaitlyn was genuinely excited and did what any of us would do in that situation: call our mom.

Kaitlyn is in shock but fairly certain, like so many before her, that her husband was inside that mansion. (I don’t know why more people aren’t concerned when they say things like this night one, by the way. It’s the equivalent to saying, “I’ll be right back,” in a horror flick. Bad juju. But, I digress.) Chris Harrison reminds Kaitlyn that she has the rose ceremony still to do (“Oh, I have to do that?”) and asks her to stay on the couch and think for a moment (see also: we need b-roll of you sitting here).

Interestingly enough, most of the men I was taken with initially voted for Kaitlyn, which I’m hoping means they stick around a while longer. My men of note include Joshua the welder, Chris the dentist, and Ben H. That man is fine.

Moving with the times, our Bachelor lingo has changed a bit in this season. He voted for Britt is the new here for the wrong reasons. It’s getting added to the drinking game, for sure. We’re also going to hear a whole lot of guy-whining, or so it would seem. ABC has already started to show some clever footage with voiceovers (yea, I see you!) so we won’t know for a few more weeks who exactly are frontrunners and who is getting left behind. Here are my initial thoughts:

Kaitlyn is outgoing and extremely forward. She told more than one guy last night that she was into them and had no reservations about doing so. She caught JJ completely off guard which I loved. On the other hand, Shawn (Calvin Harris and Ryan Gosling’s lovechild) seemed pretty unfazed by her admission. She’s clearly very physically attracted to those two and Ben Z. the other personal trainer (By the way, if I ever become the Bachelorette, please don’t send any personal trainers. Thanks.). Does this mean eternal love? Not necessarily. The winner of the first-impression rose has only been the overall victor once.

Nice guys don’t have to finish last and it seems that the self-proclaimed Love-Man sticks around for a decent timeline judging by the season highlights along with dentist Chris, who made a few appearances in the footage. Other cameos were made by the Hulk Clint, who can be seen jumping into a pool and fighting with JJ later on this season. By the way, JJ is totally here to find a stepmother for his daughter, okay guys? 

Not at all as exciting as the admission that Kaitlyn and one of the guys DID IT before the fantasy suite. Now, in past seasons, it isn’t unusual for one or two guys to get dates that turn INTO overnights before the finale week. Who remembers the time they went camping and Ashley I. tried to suffocate Chris Soules with her face? But, judging by the video—which could be very misleading—it seems like there were quite a few guys still around when she rounded them up for that chat. Which means we won’t have to wait all that long.

Everyone seems to be asking the same question about last night; why the hell would anybody willingly allow Nick Viall to come on your season? He was trouble on Andi’s season, he was a problem at After The Final Rose, and his last name is VIALL for goodness sake. Take the hint, lady! He and Kaitlyn must have met previously because that is way too weird for him to show up like that in his godforsaken quarter-zip pullover.

Here are some predictions:

Long haulers: Ben H., Ben Z., Chris, Jared, JJ, Shawn B.

What are you still doing here: Kupah, Clint, Corey, Jonathan, Tanner, Tony, Daniel, Justin

Dark horses: Cory, Joe, Joshua, Ryan B.

Ian? Don’t know where you fall. Can’t tell if you’re actually telling her off in the preview or if that was just cleverly edited. Reminds me a little bit of James Case from Des’ season in that way. Seems genuine now but may be kind of phony? And while we’re at it, a few more parallels for this season:

Chris the Cupcake IS Drew Kenney (also from Des’ season). Too nice for his own good, impeccable teeth and hair gel abilities.

Cory is a long lost relative of Kirk DeWindt from Ali Fedotowosky’s season.

Welder Joshua seems kind and sincere and faintly reminiscent of Cape Cod Chris, also from Ali’s season. The one that got away…

Ben Z. reminds me of Bryden from Des’ season, no?

Kupah is the Genie from Aladdin on Broadway.

Okay, enough with this. I’m off to a sushi date. I need to know everyone’s top 3 (for yourself AND for Kaitlyn). Post them on my FB, will ya? Oh, and if any of you list Ben H. on your list, I will find you. 

xoxo,

Amanda 

Bachelorette Premiere

Guys.

It’s back.

As Dancing with the Stars comes to a fantastic close, it is time again for us to open up our hearts and homes to 25 of America’s most eligible all-American Bachelors. And after last night’s episode, it’s no wonder that the rest of the world hates America.

As if the entire premise of the Bachelorette isn’t weird enough, ABC’s latest attempt at Sister Wives the show took a turn for the worst earlier this year when nobody could decide which woman from Chris’ season would be the best fit. And by fit, I do mean who would bring in the most ratings. In my own circles, Kaitlyn was the clear victor; beautiful, funny, a little guarded and crass at times, but definitely the most interesting. Britt, on the other hand (if you have one) is a little too idealistic and oblivious for me. Pair that with her absolute breakdown(s) last season and you have quite the recipe for disaster.

But nobody asked little old me, so we moved into last night with two bachelorettes and zero clue how this was gonna pan out.

Chris Harrison starts us off detailing how this historic night will unfold. “Will this be painful and a bit awkward? Yes. But that’s what we get paid to do and by golly I’m gonna do it.”

ABC shows a video package of both women from last season, making each of them look like complete idiots. To make matters worse, both women had the same hairstyle last night. Did ya catch that? I was appalled. Could you not afford a whole package of bobby pins, ABC? Why did they each only get half of their hair back?

But what ABC lacked in bobby pins they made up for in transportation as both women traveled from the very same hotel in their very own stretch limo. Both women greet Chris Harrison and, if I’m not mistaken, Chris Harrison showed a tiny bit of favoritism towards Kaitlyn. I kind of always imagined Chris Harrison being on the Kaitlyn side of that debate. He seems pretty realistic about these things.

The men arrive one by one and ABC’s clever editing makes it seem like most of limos one and two favored Britt. But, if you’ve learned anything from me over the last few seasons, I hope you’ve learned to watch out for ABC’s clever ruses.  Regardless, how incredibly awkward to be standing there during those exchanges. I appreciate that Kaitlyn took it on the chin, and I think, judging by the way Britt freaked out when Kaitlyn went inside briefly, we know that she’s not as cool, calm and collected as she pretends to be.

Slight disclaimer: if you follow me on snapchat, you will notice that my viewing partner, Mary, and I live snap alllll of our opinions at the commercials. Mary is really the star of the show, so if you don’t follow me, you really should just to hear her talk about these idiots.

Snapchat: onehandwonder

Anyway, here are a few men of note. Use this link if you don’t remember anybody at all.

Jonathan: the single dad who was the only one not in a suit last night and is team Britt.

Joshua the welder: He’s adorable. A little bit country and that’s just fine. P.S. did that rose he welded remind anybody else of the Aladdin sequel? No?

Brady- The baseball player-turned musician from Nashville who talked about rainbows and unicorns and love during his interview. He’s perfect for Britt, that’s all I’m saying. If she’s not the bachelorette, those two can run off into the sunset together.

Ian: The runner from Princeton who wore capris and that’s basically all I know because I got distracted by the capris.

The healer: America was laughing at him and then he and his black eye wooed Britt. What the hell is going on.

Ben Z- Personal trainer whose mother died, also confronted drunkpants for touching Kaitlyn’s butt,

mostly because he was jealous.

Ben H- I don’t know anything about this man but he can stay. Forever.

Kupah- formerly of Mario Party.

JJ- Made the puck joke which was great. Then made me really irritated throughout the night as he grew more and more pompous. Just strikes me as kind of a doucher.

Joe is a precious angel whose picture on ABC.com does not do him justice.

Chris- The man who came out of a cupcake. Adorable.

The conversations were all pretty good. Obviously, that drunk man needed to go. Did you know he’s Nikki Ferrell’s ex? To go from him to Juan Pablo… What ever did this poor girl do in a previous life to deserve such a lot?

In the end, I think tonight will be very exciting. The big reveal, the first cuts and probably not much else seeing as it’s only on for 42 minutes tonight. Will any men leave once they know who the Bachelorette will be? Will Britt’s famous red lipstick return? Will Chris Harrison even actually ride a triceratops? Find out tonight on the Bachelorette on ABC.