So today marks one month into this bachelor saga and
unfortunately, I think Ashley S. put it best: I feel nothing. I am not
tremendously excited by any of the women nor do I find myself putting too much
thought into who would be the right choice for prince farming. And, although I
never thought I'd say it, this is entirely because prince farming is actually
quite a dud. I'll get into that later, but for now, let's take a sequential
look at tonight's disaster(s).
This conversation about being natural is laughable. We
all know that I love a good weave or pair of false lashes so I don't have
anything to say about the women huddled around a mirror clipping tracks into
their hair. If that's how they feel confident, then go for it. But I find it
comical that anybody has ANYTHING to say about being or acting natural. You're
on television, for goodness sake! None of you are acting naturally. Except for
you, Kelsey. You might actually be as shallow as you come off.
The first date card comes addressed to the island of
misfit toys, aka Mackensie, Ashley I., Samantha
I don't need to comment much about this subject other
than these two words: Ashley's shorts.
The Jillian thing is overdone with the black bar. We get
it. It was funny. Once.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the producers have
assembled the most likely candidates for Mrs. Soules in the living room to meet
with Chris' sisters. I love that they did this because Chris' family was one of
the most memorable parts of last season. I CANNOT wait to see his mom again.
She was a hoot.
I didn't know who they were going to like, but I
definitely think we learned something about what Chris’ family is looking for
in a future sister-in-law. Although we only got to see a little snippet of each
conversation, my interpretation was that they were impressed by Jade’s
laid-back demeanor and impressive resume. Remember when Jade owned a business and didn't
tell anyone? She definitely has the Midwest charm that is required to shuck
corn all day.
Whitney was bubbly and confident as usual, and I loved
that she was carrying a glass of white wine around for most of the day. Carly
getting emotional was not really timed appropriately, and I knew that his
sisters weren’t going to let their one big contribution of the season turn into
a PSA for domestic violence. I really like Becca; there’s something about her
that is oddly comforting, mature and composed without seeming too stuffy. And
Britt, oh Britt. I want to root for her so much because she’s an obvious
contender to be the next Bachelorette, but she’s really shooting herself in the
foot recently. She is confident, but riding the line of cocky. I appreciate
that she thinks she's the front runner, but it's sort of like saying,
"Let's split up," in a horror film. Once you say it out loud, you're
doomed.
Kaitlyn quote of the week: (About Ashley S.) She's not
really here or there, persay. She’s sort of up in that region (points to the
sky).
Kaitlyn is having quite the normal episode. Don't get me
wrong, I still won't have lunch with her, but she's not AS bad as last week.
Mostly because I'm too busy cringing at Kelsey's offensive cackle. On the
sidelines, Ashely I. is bitching about Kelsey being fake. Is that you or your
eyelashes talking? Give it a rest! None of you are exempt from the falseness
that is the Bachelor.
Okay so to the part where Chris is boring. So far this
season, Chris is 0/10 with personalized conversations, 0/15 with sending the
right women home and his only way of spicing up a group date is to enlist the
help of zombies or jump out of a bush wearing a mask. "Is that Chris
???" No. The thousands of camera
men let some actual murderer sneak
onto the property. You should all leave quickly. No, seriously. Please go away.
Side note: if there really was a murderer on this date, I
can't say I'd really be saddened by the loss of anyone here, including Chris.
But who are we kidding. Ashley S. would
take care of business with the paintball gun she stashed under her bunk bed.
Ashley I: "Tonight has been the craziest night of my
life." What? You're from NJ. Come on. We all knew it was going to be her
who snuck into the tent, but what a complete waste of time. After they had
didn’t have the virgin conversation, Ashley proceeded to make out with Chris while
he was clearly still in REM cycle and leave feeling confident despite not
getting the rose. Also, no one noticed or cared that she got up out of bed or
went into his tent. #NotAThreat
“I'm not a hookup girl. I'm wife material.” Really?
Because so far this season, you haven’t done anything that would indicate to
anyone that you’re ready to be a wife. You’re about as ready to be a wife as
Mackensie is to raise her vegetable son. Also, the very next time we see you, you’re in
hysterics that someone else went on a princess-themed date. Not because you
thought the date was a cute idea, but because you self-identify as an actual
princess. “When people ask me about myself, that usually comes up. That I’m,
like, a Disney princess.”
There’s a knock at the door and in comes the flower-child
version of Miranda Priestly to doll Jade up. She tried on a few couture dresses
before deciding on the most hideous one. “Let’s get you into hair and makeup.”
Also known as blue eyeshadow and Bonne Bell chapstick. They threw fifty pounds
of silver chains on her and sent her on her way. Right before they cut to commercial, Whitney
used jealousy vs. envy correctly and my inner grammar-diva soared to new
heights.
Cecily Tynan has some essplainin’ to do because she took
over my tv to talk about snow (that never came) and we missed Jade’s dramatic
entrance to the princess date. I WAS ROBBED OF THAT MOMENT. I guess this is
what Ashley I. feels like all the time. However, despite missing the intro, the
conversations they were having were so much more realistic than the
conversations he has with anybody else. The way Chris talks about Jade is in so
much more detailed than others, too. Because he actually said words to her. I think because she is so laid back, he didn’t
need to try at all. He wasn’t being put on the spot or asked to perform some
outrageous task (re: the time he was made to breakdance on the premiere).
Chris gives Jade the rose and they promenade onto the tiniest
platform of life and dance the waltz. I read this morning that Chris had hours
of dance lessons in preparation for this experience. Hours? To step around in
box formation? Yikes.
The entire mud run was a mess. Quite literally. Jillian
had crossed the finish line, bench-pressed
a cow or two and was finishing up a P90X workout by the time anybody
else crossed the finish line. I think this may have been a clever ruse to get
Jillian out of his hair, though, so
Chris could talk to the other women. Most women would lag behind a little to
try to get some time in with the guy. Not Jillian. She was in the next county
by the time Chris even remembered she was there.
You know my wheels are always turning, so as soon as he
went over to talk to Becca in the mud pit, I immediately assumed that his
sisters had liked her a lot. They didn’t show it on the episode, but Chris
wrote in his blog that his sisters came back to his house to debrief about
meeting the women and shared their opinions on all the ladies. He also wrote in
his blog that he knew in that muddy moment that Becca would be around for a
long time.
Hours later when the women were all finished with the
race, Jillian and Chris headed off to arguably the most stereotypical
Bachelor-date-gone-wrong. Again, you know I’m always watching out for clues on
this show and to me it was pretty obvious that the only reason ABC would show
him saying that Jillian was in his top 3 was if she wasn’t getting to the end
of this date. Reference point: the time Bachelorette Desiree was caught on
camera telling Chris Harrison that she was in love with Brooks. 26 minutes
before Brooks dumped her and left her on the dock of an island. ABC knows what
they’re doing; they wouldn’t show us Chris’ cards unless they were going to
change.
Britt, who affirms her confidence in her relationship
with Chris daily, is really shooting herself in the foot by attacking his
choices. So far, aside from kissing most of them, what has he done wrong? Two
of the women on the date took their clothes off to jump into the lake. He didn’t
strip them down with his teeth, ma’am. Also, I’m calling your bluff. If you
were really as confident in your relationship as you say you are, you probably
wouldn’t care so much about the other dates. Take a note out of Whitney’s book.
Get yourself a glass of wine and just sit down if you want to be here for the
long haul.
Maybe he and Ashley S. are more compatible than we
thought because he is making zero sense in this conversation with Britt. He’s
not even forming real sentences. My biggest complaint is that he is too worried
about being politically correct or coming off as rude to actually say what he’s
feeling. You know, the way we would actually act in a relationship with our fiancée.
"I'm glad to have had this
conversation with you." What conversation was that, exactly? EXIT STAGE
LEFT.
This is the first time so far that he’s sent women home
who I wanted to see gone. Goodbye, Ashley S. I will miss your antics, but it’s
time for you to go. I feel the same way about Jillian. You’re not Iowa
material. You’re out.
The previews for next week are fabulous. Kelsey is fake
as can be, and I don’t believe for a second that anything more than a
self-induced anxiety attack landed her ass on the bathroom floor. She probably
fake-fainted. Remember when Tiara threw
herself up the stairs or contracted hypothermia five hours after exiting a cold
lake?
Until then...
xoxo
