Bachelorette JoJo: Weeks 4&5

We all go through dark times in life, and the last week was certainly no exception. After a week without the Bachelorette—13 days to be exact—I was going through some serious withdrawal, stooping so low as to even consider looking at spoilers about this season (Tammy Palyo, I’m looking at you). I got myself together, though, and focused on the fact that Big Brother started last week. If you don’t already watch Big Brother on CBS, you should totally hop on that bandwagon. Imagine your level of addiction of the Bach for a show that is on three times a week. You’re welcome in advance.

Anyway, we find JoJo back at her first “exotic” location of the season, Pennsylvania. I didn’t even feel a sense of pride or excitement about her being in PA this week. I was just kind of confused and slightly embarrassed. Not for myself; for ABC.

After the luckiest producer on TV gets to wheel Chad’s bags out of the house, the men are having a protein powder funeral out on the back porch, blowing his “ashes” out into the forest. Clearly, none of you asshats have ever been camping. You don’t throw food out into the woods and expect not to have visitors. And now those visitors are going to be hyped up on protein.  

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the Chad, and he is back to yell and scream and fight somebody! JK, he just came back because a producer told him to, and the whole scene is busted. Jordan tries to pacify the situation by saying that on behalf of the whole group he apologizes for anything mean they did and could he also man up and do the same? First of all, Jordan, you’re not fooling me and I know that was just a ploy to appear valiant and not like the huge loser that you probably are. Second of all, Chad gave zero fucks and left without so much as exchanging emails with Daniel. That really hurt his feelings.

By the time Polly Pocket Marine gets back to the house, the producers have run to the nearest WalMart and gotten confetti, streamers and a cake that a blind person decorated. They lift him up excitedly, chanting dragon slayer. So now Chad is a dragon? This is really getting out of hand.

Episodes with two rose ceremonies seem way longer. James F. and Daniel get the boot. Daniel probs wouldn’t have lasted without his love, anyway. Oh, and if Evan doesn’t take those godforsaken bracelets off I’m going to lose my shit.

Uruguay bound! Much more exciting than Pennsylvania. I wish they would do an episode here in Kutztown and I could make the guys sit in the bear’s arms and eat Pop’s. Talk about ratings.

Jordan goes on his first one-on-one and it’s whatever because this whole season has felt like a one-on-one for Jordan. While he’s gone, the men at home visit Vinny’s barber shop (see also: hotel lobby) where he’s giving Polly a shapeup. The guys are reading a sleezy magazine and there’s an article about JoJo and her ex-boyfriend in there. Now, have you ever seen somebody on this show reading so much as a bible? They aren’t allowed to have anything, so it’s perplexing to me how this barber shop had a.) one magazine only and b.) had a magazine that conveniently was about JoJo. Almost as perplexing as the idea that Vinny cuts hair for a living and yet his hair looks like that.

Back on the date, JoJo puts Jordan on blast after meeting an ex whom said he treated poorly. It’s abundantly clear to those of us with eyes and ears that Jordan isn’t great when he’s confronted, taking nearly a full minute to answer her questions and sipping what appears to be an old fashioned in between long pauses. From experience, boys who drink those are bad news. Everyone has a past, and clearly his isn’t squeaky clean. I wondered if this was the girl who aired him out on twitter, but I don’t think it matters because she’s probably not the only girl in America who hates his guts. He eventually comes back and blames it on football, saying he couldn’t focus on two things at once. He also says something about Jesus.

Um, what?

She gives him the rose and it’s clear history is doomed to repeat itself. She has told us before she goes for the bad guy, and I don’t think he is any different. Face palm from millions of viewers.

JoJo returns home to chat about the night with producers. One amazingly-trained producer lets JoJo gush about Jordan and how great the night was extensively before handing over the magazine. JoJo launches immediately into the Kim K ugly cry and heads upstairs to talk to the guys.

By the time she gets up there in her comfy duster—let’s make dusters a thing again, right?—the guys have already decided that this article can’t be true and isn’t important. JoJo comes up to explain herself and sees that Jordan is sitting amongst them and goes completely ashen.

JoJo: Do you know about this?

Jordan: Yeah, it’s a non-issue. Like my non-cheating.

It’s obviously she likes Jordan so much more than the rest of you shmucks. Have you no self-respect?

Now it’s time for sand surfing which is an unsafe, stupid date, especially with lawsuit Evan in tow. For as athletic as these dudes are, nobody can get the hang of it and everybody is tumbling down the hill and even the heavens are bored and shoo them away with rain. This group date is uneventful except for the fact that Derek is turning into a brooding, whining little man who has taken a liking to only wearing dark colors. He gets the group date rose labeled now as the “reassurance rose” and everybody is pissed that he needed reassurance. Like you don’t?

Ew, Robby went on a one-on-one and it was awful. Okay, she liked it, but I can’t stand him and you all know it. They ate at a food truck (not saying much for Uruguay’s restaurants), jumped off a cliff and watched fireworks. He got the rose (gag) and told us that he’s falling in love with her and that means she must be falling in love with him back. Prrrrrrrretty sure that’s not how it works, brah, or else I would’ve been married to Zac Efon for years already.

At the rose ceremony, a producer Derek decides to confront the mean girls clique about giving him shit this week. The bros immediately band together and Jordan confirms again that this is a non-issue. Tell me, Jordy, what is an issue for you? Alex calls Derek a little bitch, which is ironic. Evan is somewhere off-screen having an aneurism about not getting time and actually uses the phrase, “My heart is on blast.”

That’s actually not even sort of right.

In the end, it’s time to say goodbye to firefighter Grant, Vinny the barber, Evan and his bracelets.

EPISODE 5

This is becoming a really lame-o season. Let’s take a quick look at who we have left, shall we?

Polly Pocket Marine - douche baggiest of them all and obvious gang leader

Drunk Eyes Chase - his trusty sidekick

Jordan - I’m not entitled but I am better than you

Robby - She’s in love with me, clearly

Derek - Cranky, whiny, brooding

James Taylor - Self-depricating and a little bit of a chump

Wells - Not sure what you’re still doing here, buddy

Luke - Crazy eyes monotone man

So Wells hasn’t kissed JoJo yet. Cool. Nobody should care about this but this season is just a playground full of bullies, including Luke who wastes no time bringing it up in front of everybody when JoJo comes to pick Wells up. He’s getting too comfortable.

I don’t think anyone, including Wells, thought this date was going to end with a rose. The weird pool situation made me uncomfortable, especially the part where JoJo cheered that Wells finally kissed her. “We did it!” Stop, please.

At dinner, Wells talks about how his last serious relationship turned into the friendzone, and JoJo nods emphatically because that’s pretty much where she is now. As if his excessive sweating isn’t enough, he’s also wearing black and navy blue together. For these and many more reasons, JoJo sends Wells home without a rose. And then, to make herself feel better, she goes to a weird, slow-motion rain rave.

P.S. I really feel like Wells and Sarah (from Sean's season) would be a good match. I don't know why, but the whole time he was talking, I kept thinking of her on Bachelor in Paradise. Maybe they can meet at an event or something. 

Next up is the group date, which further confirms that ABC is on a budget this season. This group date consists of walking around town and jumping in on a soccer game already in progress. James Taylor is feeling super uneasy because he’s not a supermodel, and decides to pull JoJo aside to show her how much he cares about her talk shit on Jordan. I don’t know why people on this show decide to talk shit on the clear favorite because it never ends well. JoJo looks disappointed, but my guess is she’s disappointed because she totes loves Jordan and doesn’t want to hear this shit.

 

She then immediately tells Jordan that James was talking shit, and that doesn’t go well. Again, we see how Jordan handles conflict, by taking long pauses, giggling, and making calculated statements to reassure JoJo that he’s not entitled at all, he’s just always right.

Whatever, Luke gets the group rose because he had his hand up JoJo’s skirt.

Chase and Derek’s 2-on-1 is awkward for everyone involved. Derek is wearing navy blue and black together and looks like some sort of cartoon villain. Chase has gotten royally screwed on his dates so far this season; first weird yoga and now this? They both suck at dancing so that’s cool. Later, Derek pours his heart out to JoJo and says all the right things, but she picks Chase because, let’s be honest, she wants to take him to the fantasy suite. As if the crying in the van isn’t enough, the sad montage of Don’t Cry for me Argentina really did me in.

Rose ceremony time! Luke and Chase already have roses from the dates, so the first two roses go to Robby and Jordan. Which, if you’re keeping track, is a GIANT F-U to James Taylor. One more rose to give out and JoJo just can’t handle it, you guys. She has to go outside to ask Chris Harrison if she can have another rose because she doesn’t want to send JT home and make it look like it’s because he talked shit on Jordan is still unsure of which guy she wants to get rid of. So everybody stays. Yay!

Until next time…

Bachelorette JoJo: Week 3

Hey there, friends! I’m back after 10 days away from my desk, my email and my voicemail. Mondays are usually rough, but to live through a first-Monday-after-vacation mixed with a Bachelorette-less Monday is pretty damn cruel. And after a double dose last week? WHYYYY?

The prospect of four glorious hours of the Bachelorette in one week was about as exhilarating as the time I spent the afternoon at the Cabot Cheese factory in Vermont (unlimited cheese samples). The episodes did not disappoint, either, so let’s get right into the first where we find the house looking like a hot damn mess. Well, actually, all we see are dishes in the sink, toilet paper in a tree outside and some of Chad’s leftover meat plates on the counter. No broken windows, no lines of cocaine left on the coffee table. Seems pretty reasonable to me. Side bar: Why don’t they have a dishwasher in this mansion? You have an infinity pool.

Chris Harrison shows up to deliver the date card and the first one-on-one is going to Chase. Who is Chase, exactly? He hasn’t had any airtime yet minus the adorable snow ploy from last week, so I’m excited to see where this goes. If we refer back to premiere week, I put this one on my dark horse list. He goes off to get ready and Chris Harrison absolutely does not clean any of the front yard.

The date is at a yoga studio where they are told to lay on the ground and grunt before pretzeling one another and staring longingly into each other’s eyes. It’s like bad karaoke; you’re uncomfortable but you can’t look away and you kind of enjoy it. “This is the first time I’ve mounted a guy on a first date.”

Oh, JoJo. You’re doing it wrong.

Later, there’s a real-live artist that we’ve all heard of singing on the second part of their date. Maybe this a really great sign for Chase? It may be the first time in years an episode has had somebody recognizable on stage. He obviously gets the rose because they’ve pretty much already been to third base today so it kind of felt necessary.

PAUSE FOR THOUGHT

You know how men look when they’ve had a beer—or six—too many? I recently had an experience where I met a guy at a wedding who was adorable and put together and very upbeat through all of dinner but by the end of the night he couldn’t keep his eyes open more than a few centimeters, his center of gravity was way off and his speech was slow and slurred. That’s kind of how Chase looks to me, like, all the time. Don’t get it twisted, that man is fine, but he kind of always looks like he’s had a few beers before filming.

…aaand scene.

Back at the house, the group date card has arrived with Chad’s name on it and he is less than pleased. Here’s the thing, nobody wants to go on a group date, unless you’re Daniel and you’re just thankful you’re still there somehow (#blessed). The Chad just calls it like it is and says what everyone else is thinking. The date is fucking weird, requiring the guys to get up on stage and talk about an embarrassing sexual experience from their past. My personal favorite was Santa, talking about how he uses the alphabet as a guide to pleasure a woman down below. Oh, he also got sent home shortly after this admission. Coincidence? I think not.

Evan uses his time on stage to poke at Chad and the on-again-off-again steroid debate. News flash, Evan. It isn’t really going to matter if he’s on steroids or not when he crushes your head with his bare hands a la Game of Thrones. Not surprisingly, Alex is enjoying this debacle the most and despite the desire to turn around and smirk at Chad, nobody dares move an inch in their seats. It may be dark in the theater, but Chad is on fire. I can actually see tiny flames forming in his retinas. Conveniently, Chad is the last one who needs to take the stage, meaning he has to cross paths with Evan on the way back to his seat. And by cross paths I mean ferociously pick him up by the scruff of his neck and rip his tshirt. Later, Chad will try to say that Evan bullied him in the aisle and that the push was justified. Everyone, including JoJo was like:

Later, JoJo talks to all the guys and starts the inevitable, “How are things in the house going?” conversation that never leads to anything good. Everyone starts with, “I don’t want this conversation to be able other guys, BUT….” That’s kind of the same as the tried and true, “She’s nice, BUT…” that we all are guilty of. How many times have you been asked to describe somebody and you say, “She’s nice, BUT she’s a huge whore and kind of a bitch and I hate her. But she’s really nice.”

Anyway, the only important parts of this night are Evan giving JoJo and ultimatum (which worked ironically) and then him receiving the group rose.

“Are you seriously vibing this guy right now?” – Chad, as well as all of America.

Whatever, there’s still three hours left. Plenty of time for Chad to get the boot. In the meantime, James Taylor goes on a swing dance date and of course it’s adorable and perfect because he’s adorable and perfect. Later, sitting atop a hill with the city lights dazzling below, James sings a song to JoJo and talks about feeling inadequate. He’s just so damn relatable, y’all! JoJo wants to see if they can move out of the friendzone, but despite their kiss, I don’t think it happened today. It was a cute lip lock, but nowhere near as steamy as the waist-grabbing, face-caressing makeout sessions she has had with Jordan or Luke. He’s probably just trying to be polite and respectful.

Respect her less, maybe.

Back at the house, there will be no cocktail party but instead a pool party where scantily-clad men and flamingos alike will lounge in the pool and try to provoke Chad. Evan’s nose starts bleeding after a near-fatal synchronized swimming accident and Derek, who seems to only be able to speak in hushed tones, tells JoJo that he can no longer share a bunk bed with Chad because he’s afraid for his life. But don’t worry, because they got some five-foot-nothing security guard to pace around the pool. Chad’s yam is bigger than that guard.

JoJo and Jordan’s alone time was cute. She clearly missed him and jumped into his arms pretty readily. Storm clouds are brewin’, though, because JoJo is scared of how much she likes Jordan already and can’t verbalize it to him. Nothing is more painful than watching her try to explain it to him and failing miserably. All he gets on his end is, “You’re confusing. You’re a mystery.” He has to keep explaining himself and that’s going to get old…fast.

Evan, who is already safe for the week, decides to tattle to Chris Harrison about how unstable Chad is and how he makes everybody uncomfortable. Chris tells Chad he better fix this or else no dessert tonight. It’s an epic fail of an apology, mostly because it wasn’t one. James Taylor suggests they all just ignore Chad. But then what would you guys do all day?

The rose ceremony cuts ties with Christian, Ali and Nick. NOT SANTA! JoJo is really effing up my final 5 pick this season. I’m down to three.  

Now we’re off to Pennsylvania for our first exotic retreat. Don’t get me wrong, I obviously love Pennsylvania, but I wouldn’t exactly call it Bachelor-worthy. Luke is going on the first one-on-one date and it’s clear that ABC is trying to cut costs this season. Really? An outdoor hot tub powered by logs? Whatever. We know Luke is getting the rose so let’s fast-forward through his monotone staring-into-your-eyes-forever conversation right to the part where hot men are playing sports.

 

The sports date is always one of the highlights of the season, where the boys are separated from the men, or in this case, Evan is separated from everybody else. Jordan gets to be permanent QB for both teams (convenient?) so he’s automatically going to the after party. Somehow, the island of misfit toys team—lead by Evan and his weak nasal capillaries—wins and gets to go to the evening portion of the date while the more athletic, attractive men get to go home and hang out with Chad.

Using their deductive reasoning skills, the men back at the house realize that Alex and Chad are destined for the notorious 2-on-1 date. Patriotic music starts playing and ridiculous quotes start flying. “Alex is a real live American hero!” Alex flashes his America socks and somewhere in the distance fireworks are going off and a tiny chorus of children sings America the Beautiful. Everyone needs to relax.

It was pretty obvious that JoJo knew what she was doing on this date before it started. The “date” was a short-lived hike followed by sitting on some rocks. It seemed like the whole day portion took less than two hours, which to me symbolizes that she knew whom she really wanted to spend the evening with. However, I really wasn’t sure if JoJo was going to send Alex home and shock the hell out of everyone. Stranger things have happened on this show (see also: Tierra).

REAL TALK

Alex is pretty much doomed, which we know by using basic Bachelor franchise knowledge. The tattle tale is not going to win. They never do, and instead their role is simply to pave the way for other contestants to shuffle along—villain-less—through the remainder of the season. There’s an Alex in every season and he or she is never in the finals. So, thank you for your service, but you’ve also shot yourself in the foot via the crusade against Chad.

Okay, so back in the hundred acre wood, despite Chad all but admitting to being a horrible person, JoJo still hasn’t cut him loose. That is until Alex plays his trump card. “He threatened to beat the shit out of Jordan earlier today.”  We all know she’s feelin’ him. Mama is thirsty, and nobody is gonna endanger her man like that.

JoJo: Did you say you were going to beat the shit out of Jordan today?

Chad: I mean, that’s not something that I didn’t say…

And with that, the magnetic rose is upon Alex’s lapel and Chad is left in the forest alone, Olivia style. But wait, he’s actually not left alone because he found his way back to the house where the men are staying with absolutely no help from producers whatsoever.

Oh my gosh I just realized I forgot to mention that disgusting exchange between JoJo and Robby. I could’ve gone back to the paragraph about the sports date and written it in sequential order but I think it’s important for you to know that I legit forgot about it slash expunged it from my mind because it was so offensive. He’s slimy. Something isn’t right with that one, and as they were sitting there making out on the pool table, I found myself turning away from the TV in disgust. Bleh.

Until next time....