Bachelorette JoJo- Week 2

The Bachelorette is wasting no time this season in getting things fired up. It’s week 2 and ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a villain. Sometimes I think people get a bad edit on this show or are misunderstood. That is not what I think about Chad. I think Chad is as arrogant and blunt as he comes off. And you know what? He doesn’t care. And, to add insult to injury, now he has himself a hype man in the form of Canadian Daniel. “Imma let you finish, but Chad makes one of the best protein shakes of all time!”

But before we get into all things Chad, we have to go through the first group date. Here comes Chris Harrison with the date card and I have to ask myself exactly what is the season? Some guys are in tank tops, some have beanies on, some even are sporting leather jackets. Pick a climate.

The lucky few on the group date are chosen and Chad deems them the B-team. Not exactly wrong in my eyes, Chad. I think these were the ones she wasn’t sure about after night one and wanted to learn more about. They leave on the firefighting date and Chad is talking about how he used to sell cars.

It's all starting to make sense. 

Normally on this show, somebody with a guitar or weird talent gets ostracized, but in this scenario James Taylor is the absolute man. They are actually sitting around writing songs about a girl they are all trying to date like it’s totally normal. Brooding Chad and his head-to-toe black ensemble are off eating lunchmeat somewhere, probably scowling.

Robbie looks like a sailboat-owning douche. Amiright?

This fire date is no joke. Poor Wells is the size of a toothpick and has no business holding an axe let alone participating in this experience. I wish we could’ve seen more of the guys participate and less of Wells’ near-death experience.

Oh the firefighter won the firefighting date? Cool. 

Did anybody else notice when they cheersed on the group date and somebody had water? Hopefully it was Daniel. 

Evan: “I'm the only guy here who actually has kids.”  That actually IS amazing. So many opportunities for a hot dad. And yet…

I have a serious question. Is Luke cute? I really can't tell. In some shots he’s dreamy and in others (see also his ABC headshot) he looks like he may date his cousin. What do we think? He’s obviously romantic and athletic and owns a leather jacket so he’s off to a good start. JoJo seems to like it, and they make out on a rooftop for at least 4 minutes before returning to the group where JoJo gives the group date rose to…Wells.

And nobody is more surprised than Wells.

Now it’s time for the date with John Krasinkski a.k.a. Derek. Derek seemed nervous but sweet in the first episode but quickly he’s fallen from grace in my opinion. I think he’s just really nice and soft-spoken and a gentlemen but also really, incredibly boring. JoJo gave him the option of dressed up or dressed down and he picked dressed down. Ew. They decide to stay dressed down for the afternoon portion of the date and then somehow he didn’t get the memo about being dressed up for the night portion. She shows up looking like a disco ball and he looks like he’s off to cheer on Princeton at the regatta.

JoJo: Tell me about your last relationship.

Derek: Gosh this is so hard because I haven't told anybody about this...besides the producers.  

I'm not belittling his experience—cheating is a serious matter—but I find him to be about as exciting as my bimonthly staff meetings. Whatever, he gets the rose because it’s week two. "I'll never forget tonight." 

...Well that makes one of us.  

Next group date.  Let’s take the firefighter to a firefighter date and let’s take Aaron Rodgers’ brother to ESPN. Makes total sense. The guys have to do a series of goofy things like make up a touchdown dance, propose to JoJo and, of course, participate in dizzy bat. What determines love? Dizzy bat determines love. 

Chad is having none of it and is complaining incessantly in his off-screen interview. He thinks everyone is stupid and taking this experience as a joke. P.S. whichever producer gets to work with Chad during this season is one lucky duck. If they get bonuses for airtime, cha-ching.

Also if my phone could stop autocorrecting Jojo to Joni that'd be great.

James Taylor wins the challenge and gets…um….extra time at the cocktail party with her? I’m not really sure that anybody who “won” a date this week got anything special besides a death stare and some hateful words from Chad, but then again that’s kind of the gift with purchase of this season.

During his one-on-one time, James Taylor reads a poem he wrote for JoJo and tells her that he knows he’s not the most attractive guy there but has a big heart. Aww, James. How self-deprecating and relatable.

I LOVE that Jordan is bros with most of the guys. Every time they cut to a shot of him he’s laughing or goofing off with one of them. He also put up an Instagram yesterday that said, “20+ guys vying for one girl…doesn’t mean you can’t make a few friends along the way.” I’ve been saying this for years! The Bachelor/Bachelorette is like Bumble BFF before it was a thing.

Chad has some one-on-one time with JoJo which they use to discuss Chad calling her naggy on their not-even first date. Somehow, it gets turned around onto JoJo and Chad reassured her that there’s no confusion and he knows she wasn’t’ trying to be mean. Um….what?

JoJo: Why was your last relationship 4 years ago?

Chad: Because I was making that money, honey.

Chad, are you financially ready for a relationship? I’m not sure because you haven’t mentioned it yet.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT:

Jordan: What if Chad gets the rose?

James Taylor: I'd have to rethink my whole life.

Not today, JT, because YOU get the rose! Four for you, Glen Coco!

Now it’s time for the cocktail party and Chad is waiting outside to intercept JoJo. If ANY of the other guys had done this, America would’ve been swooning uncontrollably. But it was Chad so. Oh, and Chad took this opportunity to diss Greek life. Boy BYE.

Also JoJo stop saying thanks every time somebody kisses you. It’s weird.

I was all about team Alex last week but now I have to cut him loose. Why Are you getting involved? Who actually cares if he was sitting outside waiting for her to show up. You’re just mad you didn’t think of it first.  Do you watch this show? Snitches go HOME. DO NOT TELL HER.

Guys, I don’t know who Chase is but I’m into it. He’s a cutie AND he made his own date this week AND he said winter is his favorite AND he made snow for her. Cute and resourceful. I can’t put my finger on it but there’s something about him that I like. Maybe it’s because he reminds me of my friend Brandon. Brandon, I know you’re reading this so HEY.

The night basically revolves around JoJo talking to one or two of the guys before Chad butts in. He’s making a habit of it the more he sees it bothers Alex the Marine. He probably interrupted her 4 times to have meaningless conversations.

JoJo: So are you happy to be here?

Chad: Yes, I came home yesterday from our date and I was thinking about you which is unusual for me to think of anybody else.

In the end, hipster Brandon, weird-kiss-Will and bachelor superfan James go home. I’m a little upset about James, because he was kind of my favorite.

LAST THOUGHT

Chad: I'm just gonna keep drinking protein shakes, working out and eating food.

Same, Chad. Same.

Until next time….

xoxo,

Amanda

Bachelorette JoJo Premiere

This is Niku, and he is really excited for this season.

Awwww yeah party people. The Bachelorette is back and thank goodness. This has been the longest eight weeks of my life as we patiently waited to see what crop of nutjobs ABC could dig up for this season. That and what kind of physical modifications ABC would make to JoJo in order to deem her Bachelorette-ready (see also: eyelash extensions).

But before we get into the limo experience, I have to thank ABC for not belaboring the point that JoJo’s heartbreak was one of the worst we’ve ever seen. I can’t remember a time in recent memory when I’ve loved a contestant so much and felt so incredibly sad for someone I only know through instragram. I’m glad they only showed a few of the necessary clips from last season. They could’ve made that staring-longingly-into-a-fountain sequence way worse, so thank you, ABC, for not ruining my night. 

And thank you, JoJo, for that denim-on-denim ensemble. Anyway, off we go!

JoJo shows up to the mansion to find former bachelorettes Des, Kaitlyn and Ali waiting for her to give some advice. Not that I didn’t enjoy seeing Ali’s baby bump, but she’s no longer with the man she chose from her season and is in fact pregnant by another dude, so I’m not sure exactly why she was invited. Besides to give this excellent tidbit of advice:

Ali: The best advice I can give to you is find out who you like week one and ignore them for a while. Guys love that shit.

No, but really. These three are hilarious examples of what to do on your season. Kaitlyn had her little sexcapade in

Dublin and Des pretty much was about to pick Brooks before he left on his own and married Chris instead. Ali gave up Cape Cod Chris which I am still bitter about six years later. Where is Catherine Lowe?!

We then get a glimpse of a few of our new contestants, including Alex the marine (hey boy), Christian the gym rat slash telecom consultant with a heartfelt story, Ali a.k.a. real-life Aladdin running through town with his tiny tiny Maltese and of course sexy famous-by-association Jordan. As you were watching, if you didn’t think that James the Bachelor superfan was a perfect match for me, you really need to reevaluate our friendship. And yes, the erectile dysfunction specialist did just refer to his job as “hard” and “draining” in the same sentence. THIS IS A FAMILY PROGRAM.

These limo exits weren’t as theatrical as in previous seasons, but that didn’t stop a few of them from having the actual worst pickup lines in history.

“I’m not going to do what Ben did to you last season. I’m not going to fall in love with two women.” Well yeah, dude, there’s only one of her. And yes, by all means, let’s bring up her devastating breakup from exactly ten minutes ago.

“Any time you get nervous tonight, you can squeeze my balls.” Um, you’ve had several weeks to come up with a line and this is what you chose?

And my personal favorite, “I’m not wearing any panties.” First of all, you said panties. And second of all, forward. I like it.

And then there was the guy with the toast who completely threw me off because all I could wonder was how long ago he had access to a toaster oven.

By the time all 25 guys make their way inside, there’s only a few who seem promising to me. There’s a lot of “meh” in this bunch, but that could change as the weeks progress. With nothing else to do, the men immediately start sizing each other up, taking their clothes off, and bullying Santa. What is wrong with you people?! It’s SANTA.  

Daniel the Canadian is the worst thing to come out of that country since Justin Bieber and uses his ten minutes with JoJo to ineffectively explain the “Damn Daniel” viral video that JoJo clearly hasn’t seen because she legit was just on the Bachelor in seclusion for three months. I’m not sure if that was more or less awkward than that forced kiss with Will. Who are we kidding? The most awkward part was the two guys who bust into her interview.

We see Ali play the piano for her because, really, what talents does he have to show right now while his magic carpet is in the shop? JoJo loves it of course. Baby Wells and his quartet are cute and funny and also completely irrelevant because there’s no way in hell you’re making it to hometowns. Derek has a sweet, unsure-of-himself vibe that seems to be going around. “I’m more of a nerd,” he tells JoJo as they’re sitting outside on the mansion stoop. She asks him, “Oh, so you’re like, really smart?” Awwwwwkward. Now he has to tell you that he’s only moderately intelligent and was just more of a shy kid.

Robby and Luke are two that I’m unsure about at the current moment. I can’t tell if either of them are cute. Right now I’m leaning towards no. The riding in on a unicorn was a nice touch, Luke, especially how you trained that horse to turn around and leave on its own. And Robby drank wine out of the bottle so. He’s okay in my book until later this season when his not-so-ex girlfriend probably busts in on a group date.

And then there’s Chad.

JoJo: So tell me about yourself. Why are you here, what are you looking for?

Chad: I’m here because I’m ready. I’m financially responsible. I have a 720 fico score so….

WE ALREADY KNOW

Chad is a jerk.  He’s a villain, a bad boy, whatever you want to call him. We already know from the previews that JoJo is into that kind of possible-serial-killer vibe and Chad sticks around long enough to fight with virtually everyone including a door and gets a talking to by Chris Harrison. If ABC is already showing us so much of that storyline, though, there has to be something else brewing. Time will tell. Oh, and he totally didn’t make that guy bleed. Clever editing. Just wait for it.

We also already know that Alex the Marine is short and will get made fun of for it excessively this season. He also can be seen in the season previews wearing a French beret riding a horse or an elephant with JoJo. I couldn’t really tell because I was too busy swooning over sexy Jordan. They set that whole “I should’ve kissed her” sequence with sexy Jordan up perfectly. And yes, until further notice we will be referring to him exclusively as sexy Jordan. She was feelin’ him and we all knew it. He went in for that kiss and all.of.America.felt.it.too.

Whatta man whatta man whatta man what a mighty good man (yes he is).

Okay, so JoJo makes her cuts and nobody left that we were sad about. So now it’s time to make a completely uninformed final 5 guess. Ready? Okay.

1.       Sexy Jordan – Not claiming him as the winner at the moment, but there’s an obvious connection and he’s in a ton of the previews. He could turn out to be a huge, whiny, pain in the ass. Only time will tell.

2.       Marine Alex is adorable and already screams Bachelor to me. He just has that All-American look that I dig, and so does she.

3.       Luke- He’s from Texas, and I think she’s into that. His facial expressions are confusing, though.

4.       Christian—She’s going to fall for his compassion. And his abs. If ABC is thinking about going in a new direction next season, HE could totally be the first non-white bach.

5.       Ali—I don’t think he’s in the top 3, but he’s the only one that I haven’t mentioned that I think she will connect with.

DARK HORSES

Chase and Nick B. Just getting a vibe.

p.s. Jake Pavelka stopped by.

Until next time….

xoxo,

Amanda