Bachelor Chris; Week 10

Church? Barn? 

Catherine Lowe tweeted that we forgot quickly that the Bachelor found love because we were so enamored with the new decision about the Bachelorette. I couldn’t agree more. I kind of forgot who Whitney and Chris were in a burst of rage around 10:51 Monday night.  Two Bachelorettes? That’s weird. Not to mention that ABC did this once befor

e and it was equally weird. Does anyone remember Byron the bachelor? Didn’t think so.

Before I go absolutely berserk about ABCs latest calamity, I guess I should spend some time dissecting the actual finale. Although I don’t think anybody questioned what the outcome would be, did they? I mean, Chris is nothing if not a basic white girl. Basic white girls are needy. Whitney is all about the giving. Case closed.

Whitney went to Iowa (again) and met his family (again) and cried (again and again). His family loved her, but more than that they loved how direct she was.

“I will move here. I will get married here. We will have weekly dinners. We will have corn-shaped babies.”

Whit is not a speak-when-spoken to kind of gal, and she has no problem coming right in and toasting to herself at dinner. Now that she’s said the “L” word out loud, nobody is safe. She’ll tell his mother, his brother, his sister and his friends. Tell the others, his lovers, better not be present tense. She wants everyone to know that you are hers and no one else’s (shameless Christina Aguilera reference, guilty as charged). But seriously, she is going to tell everyone in Arlington that she’s in love with Chris.

Which should take about ten minutes.

Whitney killed it. Her answered were prepped and ready to go. Aunt Mae had no room for rebuttal, and they probably discussed Thanksgiving plans when the cameras weren’t looking. The sisters couldn’t stump her at all, either, and they probably made friendship bracelets during commercial breaks. His family was ready to call the whole thing off until they remembered somebody else was coming to dinner the next night. 

In the tool shed, the men in the family discuss the thrill of the chase and if Becca is really wife potential or if she is just intriguing. Chris, surprisingly, cannot articulate what it is about Becca he likes, citing her athleticism as one of the three features he mentions. Yikes.

Becca is striking, this much is true. Every time I see her I am reminded of how pretty she is. But she’s kind of a male version of Chris, what with all the incomplete sentences and confusion about feelings. Her date seemed to be going well, though, as she made Aunt Mae Chris’ mom cackle over a few Iowa jokes at the dinner table. Seriously, though, why does ABC never show people eating on this show? Aside from the awkward chocolate-syrup-incident with Carly a few weeks back, everyone is starving. Then the sisters sat Becca down and shit got real.

Sisters: So, like, do you love him?

Becca: I don’t know. It has only been two months.

Sisters: So, like, would you move here?

Becca: Maybe eventually (see also: hell no).  

Remarkably, Chris’ mom sensed the chemistry between them, which is good because nobody else did. She sat Becca down and basically told her that she was in love god damnit and stop telling everybody you don’t know how you feel. Not get out back and plow those fields.

The very next day, Chris visited Becca at her hotel to badger her with questions about why she wasn’t in love with him. She still didn’t know. Could everyone just stop asking her? She literally doesn’t know anything. This encounter was really awkward. It was pretty clear that if Becca would’ve just said, “I love you,” Chris may have just picked her right then and there. It seemed the whole episode that he and his family were pushing her to commit to something she just wasn’t ready to label. But good for you, Glen Coco, for standing up for yourself. In most cases, families don’t want their children to get engaged after 3 months. I guess they do things differently in Iowa.

The next afternoon, Whitney joined Chris and Gary on the farm to play in a tractor. Whitney has been really excited about a lot of irrelevant things this season, and last night way no different.

“WE’RE PICKING CORN?!” JK this machine is picking corn. You’re just going to bump along.

 They have a perfect day and back at the Hotel Julien, Whitney tells Chris she’s sure he is the one because he doesn’t have to say anything and she knows what he’s thinking.

Well at least somebody does.

The day of the big decision is here, and Chris’ barn has never looked better. Even the horses outside

looked pretty happy. Becca arrives in her stunning velvet dress and all I could think was how amazing it would be if she burst into tears and confessed her love to him. Instead, when she got to the top of the stairs, she didn’t say anything and let Chris do all the talking. And there really wasn’t all that much to say. The whole if it took maybe 4 minutes. She was classy, he was thankful, she left, the end.

Whitney on the other hand, was hysterical in the limo. She was so terrified. I felt bad for her! Homegirl could not stop blinking. She made her way to the top of the stairs and immediately started on the speech she had prepared. I was proud that Chris didn’t smile too much to give it away. I was hoping he would go for some dramatic “…but…” in his speech but he did not. Instead, he was pretty straightforward and told Whitney that he wanted her for the rest of his life. They sat in a barn window which was actually really cute and kind of my dream and I’m a little bitter about it and down the road come Gary and Linda. Foreshadowing of Chris and Whitney in years to come? I sure hope so.

After the Finale Rose was pretty much what you’d expect. Becca was gorgeous and Chris had this look of sadness in his eyes when she came on stage. Becca actually thanked Chris for the experience because now she’s ready for actual, normally-paced, not-on-a-farm love. We are too, Becca. Let’s hope we see you on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.

Whitney catapulted on the stage and the two she talked about how she sneaks to Iowa and hangs out with his family. Ma’am, there’s no sneaking to Arlington. You could be driving naked in a convertible and still nobody would notice you out there. Whitney tells Chris Harrison that she doesn’t watch the show, because she’s smart and doesn’t want to freak the freak out on him for all of his Brittscapades this season. Chris Harrison is bored, so he brings out a cow. Or something like that. And they lived happily ever after (until their ABC farm wedding in Summer 2016).

Now., onto what really matters.

This Bachelorette shiz is not okay with me, but I’m sure you all know this by now. When I’m wrong,

I’ll say that I’m wrong and I was wrong about Kaitlyn in the beginning. I didn’t find her fun or enjoyable to watch, but as time went on and her true colors shined through, I think she’s definitely the obvious and only choice for a fresh Bachelorette season. Britt on the other hand was enjoyable to watch until her real colors shined through and now I can never name my child Britney. That’s how serious this has become.

ABC is sending mixed messages with all of this nonsense. Word on the street is that Andi’s season kind of blew in the ratings department and they are trying to generate viewers for the upcoming run. We know that the Bachelorette is mostly watched by women, though, right? You want to pick someone likeable. That is, likeable by women. I think we can all guestimate that with only the first night to get to know them, men are going to be really taken with Britt and her big hair. Unless we have some true fans of the show that saw this barnyard explosion of a season, I shudder to think of Britt as the Bachelorette. Or, in simpler terms, the first season of the show that I will not be watching.

So that’s it, people! Another one for the books. Season 19 is a wrap, and now we’re on to the Bachelorette and my person favorite, Bachelor in Paradise. Let the speculation begin.

Until next time…

xoxo

Bachelor Chris: Week 9

The Women Tell All is arguably the best episode of this series each year. We have come to know and love the catty banter, the uncomfortable plastic stools, and the women who have new hair after watching themselves on TV for three months. I’m looking at you, Carly.

I’ve been in a pattern of thinking that this season has been kind of blasé for a while but I now realize that it’s actually just Chris who is kind of dull. The women on this season have been electric quite honestly, similar to those on Ben Flajnik’s season. Now HE was a dud. But those women? Pure prime-time gold. Don’t get me wrong, Chris’ fart joke during the bloopers was magical, but more often than not he is about as exciting as a bump on a log.

Clearly, his speech coach got paid overtime for this engagement.

Blah blah blah viewing parties.  I always think this is silly. Do you honestly think we believe that these women didn’t know you were coming? There were balloons out front and a corn display! Give it a rest.  But, it was funny that the judge was there.

Chris: "Oh! You're the judge at the court house? Do you remember me from my DUI a few years back?"

Back to the boxing ring Women Tell All. Let’s get ready to rumble.

We start with the Carly/Britt dispute, and I honestly was so happy because I thought we were getting

this out of the way first. Sadly, this whole episode was kind of clouded by Britt and her overactive tear ducts, even when it wasn’t her turn.

Imagine that.

Real talk: I don’t think Britt means to be fake or selfish. I think in her heart she believes everything she did and said was true and very up front. However, from the outside, I can understand how frustrating that would be to watch day in and day out. I find her excruciatingly annoying to watch for two hours a week. I can’t imagine what it is like to live in a house with her.

But Britt lovers (Tammy Palyo) had their moment in the sun as the audience destroyed Carly after ABC ran some B-roll of her bashing Britt all season. As if that wasn’t enough, here comes Jillian, who has clearly been practicing this speech for a few weeks now, to defend her unlikely bestie. Then my girl Trina, who has ditched the side-pony and opted for effortless waves (she must read my blog), jumps in to remind everyone that this isn’t the babysitter’s club and that they should all just shut up about being friends. There are about six people yelling at once and the camera man can’t figure out where he should be looking. Britt.will.not.stop.interrupting. Jillian is having none of it and gets super aggressive while her brunette friend, Nikki, corroborates her story. Don’t remember Nikki? That’s okay; neither did ABC seeing as they called her Samantha.

Not Samantha. 

Referee Chris Harrison cuts it off before Jillian kills someone.  “Let’s move on to the next problem child woman, Kelsey. But before we do, let’s run some footage to remind all of you why you hate her so much.”

Clips ensue of Kelsey’s god-awful cackle, her amazing story, her panic attack and the timeless badlands encounter. If looks could kill. These women are all out for blood. Oh, and if drunk Tara is shaking her head at you it's bad. Realllly bad.

As soon as the footage stops, Kelsey is already setting the scene for her pity party of one. “I feel betrayed.” Nice try, but this STILL isn’t about you. He didn’t even ask you a question yet, diva. “Can I have a tissue?” Um, excuse me? Britt just sat up here for 15 minutes hysterically leaking from the nose. We obviously don’t have any tissues here, ma’am. Use your hand like the rest of us. Chris Harrison generously offers her his silk hanky and little miss silver spoon is happy again. But she’s not better than us, guys.

I’m a firm believer in self-reflection, and it seems like being on this show would offer you an easy way to watch yourself, reflect and make changes. So, let’s say, for example, America hated you for talking about your dead husband incessantly and how you’re smarter than everybody else. If given the chance to come face-to-face with those people again, what talking points might one consider avoiding?  

Sanderson Poe.

Kelsey launches into a speech reminiscent of Laura Fabian’s I Will Love Again and everyone is

confused about why she is still talking about herself before Chris Harrison has even asked a question. In fairness, she did apologize for saying mean things about Ashley I. and took back saying that her story was amazing. But then she went on and on about herself for a while longer until Chris Harrison had had enough and went to commercial.

If it were up to Chris Harrison, Ashley S. would be the next Bachelorette.

Chris’ ass wasn’t even in the seat yet and Britt is already crying. If Britt’s plan was to get Chris to admit that Carly is to blame for her departure, then this was an epic fail. Of course you can come up here and cry some more talk about what happened. But you’re still not going to be the Bachelorette.

Now Kaitlyn, on the other hand, that’s a different story. If there was any question as to Kaitlyn being the next Bachelorette before,  I hope there's none now. Darker hair. Not saying ANYTHING while they're talking. Being super classy. ABC got to her for sure.

I felt Jade’s pain because she seems so genuine. She was obviously embarrassed and confused about Chris’ blog. But in fairness, it was a little awkward that you two sat together and looked at your nudies. And you really should’ve had a prep meeting with your brothers before putting them on TV. They did not help your situation at all.

The preview for the finale looks incredibly confusing to me. Are Becca and Chris really arguing or was that just clever editing? Why is this final rose ceremony taking place in a barn when there is clearly snow on the ground outside? How did Chris’ mom make Becca cry? When Whitney wins all of this, how is she going to feel about being referred to as the “sure thing?”