Alright, Bachelor nation. Against my better judgement, I am
back. I swore up and down that I would not subject myself to Colton Underwood
two hours a week, but when I saw my own dogs on television, I took it as a sign
from the universe that I couldn’t back out.
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| Kirpa's family dinner |
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| Tell me that isn't Dexter |
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| My babies |
I can’t guarantee this is going to
be anything more than watching paint dry, but let’s hope for the best, right?
First of all, there is absolutely no reason that needed to
be three hours. We didn’t need viewing parties, we didn’t need Crystal and
Goose in the hot tub, and we certainly didn’t need to see Jason and Blake over
there reminding us of what could have been.
We did need Chris Harrison’s mom, though.
You knew we couldn’t
say no, ABC. You knew we were going to sit here and watch it and curse you out
under our breath all the while but never lose eye contact. This was just you
pushing the boundaries just to see how far you could take things, and we are
all puppets in your sick game. Addiction is real, and you took advantage of us,
ABC. Not cool.
MEETING THE LADIES
I thought ABC did a good job showing us the range of crazy
we can expect this season. I was distracted by Katie’s dancing (or whatever
that was) but not too distracted to realize she sounded like she keeps mementos
of past lovers in her closet. I expect big things from this one, and by big
things I mean 3-4 weeks of horrific breakdowns.
Demi is a little firecracker, no question about it. Confetti
cake? I’m going to go with devil’s food cake. I can absolutely see her being involved
in the drama from the gate and loving it.
Then there’s Elyse from Alaska, who is a makeup artist. I’m
not saying people in Alaska don’t wear makeup, I’m just not sure that they do.
Still not sure how Cassie is both a grad student and a speech pathologist, but it’s not
even worth getting into. Except if you are one of her patients.
This group of ladies reminds me a little bit—okay, a lotta
bit—of Nick’s cast of nuts. Here are my initial comparisons:
Hannah B is Raven: Southern, sweet, feisty and a little goofy.
Demi is Alexis: Batshit crazy and down to have a good time.
Caelynn is Danielle L. : Really beautiful, lots of airtime in the beginning, fiery demise.
Catherine is Corrine : I miss Raquel.
Annie is Danielle M. : She'll be in the back for a bit but will be worth the wait.
Onyeka is Jasmine : Remember when Jasmine tried to choke Nick?
LIMO ENTRANCES
Demi is out first and serving us
Von Trapp family realness with that curtain dress. She is the first of a slew
of bad sex references, including cherry-popping Caitlin who came to slay in a
red jumpsuit. I would absolutely be wearing pants and eating all of the charcuterie
boards. Then we get Hannah G who brings him his fave undies (none) and Katie
who takes his V card. You all know I live for glitter, but this is just too
much. Who sponsored this episode, the DEB?
The series preview shows a few different arguments, and I’m looking forward to seeing why everyone hates Tracy and Nicole. We even see Kirpa and Cassie arguing on what appears to be the side of a mountain, so all we can do is pray we get another hiking date like in Arie’s season where we almost lost Jenna.
Catherine stealing him four times was meant to be the emotional
highlight of the evening, but you guys, for me it was the sloth. She climbed
the tree. No one else had that level of commitment. Still, Catherine’s airtime
shows that she is going to be the easy early target. I don’t love her the way I
loved Corrine, but you have to give her credit where credit is due for avoiding
doggie daycare fees and instead enlisting the actual Bachelor and his secret
service to babysit your dog.
So it’s time for some predictions. Here are my top five gals
who seem to have a good chance of making it far:
Hannah G.
Annie
Cassie
Demi
Tayshia
I almost switched Sydney in there for Annie, and I hope it
doesn’t bite me in the ass later for doing it. Then again there’s literally no
prize. Something about Annie that is so stinkin’ cute to me, so I feel good
about my choice. I see Onyeka really getting on my frickin’ nerves, I see
Heather getting her first kiss, and I also see Caelynn being a frontrunner
until she self-implodes and ruins her own chances.
What will next week bring? Will Catherine steal more time?
Will there be more sequins? Will we get to hear Alex B.’s voice? Will Colton
jump clear over a fence like it wasn’t twelve feet tall?
xoxo
